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I'm a 30-year-old lesbian. I live abroad in the European country my girlfriend of two years is from. She is seven years my junior. We met in the states while she was on an exchange program. We fell madly for each other. She was adamant I was "it" for her—sexually and otherwise. I was in contact with my ex at the start which was a huge point of contention. She believed that being in any type of contact with exes was horrible. (FORESHADOWING.) I then ended all of that contact and committed fully to her. The other thing she believed in strongly was "no cheating." Most people feel the same way, but she said the only thing that could break us up was if I cheated. Cheating was something she would "never, ever" do. (FORESHADOWING.) I cheated in a previous relationship. It is the worst feeling and I could never do that again. I told her as much.

Her year in the states ended. She went back home.... where she started to talk to two of her exes wound up cheating on me. The betrayal, pain, and hypocrisy were so acrid. I lost all my confidence sexually after that. I stopped feeling attractive. But I decided to work toward forgiveness. I moved my life to her. Without speaking the language I managed to find a great job and I got my own place. We worked on repairing things. There are a lot of side stories but I think I have digressed enough for one letter. We're still together, we're happy, and she tells me she will never be attracted to anyone else. But the sex has almost fallen completely away.

I have a high libido. I always have. I need to have sex. Once a week at a minimum.

She admitted to being insecure about sex when we first met. Specifically, she was insecure about making her partner come. She is comfortable with her body and has no problem "being pleasured." (I know, I know, sounds like textbook pillow princess, right?) I worked very, very hard back in the states to make her comfortable and our sex life became incredible. She started talking dirty, sending me sexy texts and pictures, and we made a few sex tapes. She initiated then. She was VERBAL about wanting sex and wanting me to come. I loved it. I was clear with her that I like sex, I like having it often, and that I like knowing that my partner wants it, too. And back them it looked like she more than matched my libido level.

After moving abroad—after the cheating—I fought my fears and tried to initiate sex on many occasions to rebuild intimacy and my confidence. I can count on one finger the number of times she has initiated. I came to find—because she told me as much—that she was only having so much sex with me back in the states in order to "keep me."

I don't know what to do. I have tried so hard to put the cheating behind me. Last night, I surprised her at her apartment after knowing how stressed she was with school. I started to make out with her. She took my clothes off. I moved her to the bed and gave her some intense oral and penetration simultaneously, the way that always makes her come. After 25-30 minutes of her seeming to enjoy it, she stopped me. She couldn't come. She was "too stressed." I respect that. Obviously, I don't want to have sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. But this has happened before. She has stopped me because she's "too stressed" so many times that I don't initiate as much as I used to.

I'm upset. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. My girlfriend says she's highly attracted to me, she says she wants to marry me and have children with me, but she's obviously not that into having sex with me. What do I do? How can I rekindle this? It feels like I'm in a relationship with friend that I occasionally kiss and see naked getting out of the shower. I need more. I want sex. On a scale of 1 to Forrest Gump how naĂŻve am I being?

A Broad Abroad

Get rid of the shitty girlfriend, keep the great job, enjoy your time abroad.

DTMFA, ABA, DTMFA.

The woman you took for a lovely and horny little lesbian turned out to be a lying and manipulative little shit, ABA, one with a penchant for projection. ("You can't talk to your exes because then you will cheat on meeeeeee!") Don't beat up on yourself: We've all made mistakes like this—misreading a new romantic partner—and in your case, ABA, you were actively misled.

I don't know if your girlfriend was consciously and maliciously trying to shred your sexual self-confidence, ABA, but at the this stage her conscious intentions are irrelevant. You were clear about who you are and what you need, ABA, and she lied to you about who she is and what she can give you. Not only did she lie to you about her position on cheating—not a deal breaker when she does it!—she admits to only pretending to enjoy sex in order to "keep you."

Or so she says. I suspect your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend enjoys sex, ABA, but she enjoys power more. The sex early in the relationship got her off because it gave her power over you, i.e. the power to make you fall for her; the power to order you to cut off your exes (isolating someone is an abuser's move, btw); and ultimately the power to uproot your ass and move it halfway round the world. And now that she's got you, now that you're over there, she enjoys denying you sex because your disappointment ("I came all this way for this?"), embarrassment ("I'll look like a fool to everyone back at home if we break up now!"), and desperation ("I have to figure out how to rekindle this!") all give her power over you.

Want to conduct an experiment? Tell your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend you want to "take a break" from the relationship without officially breaking up. She'll be "surprising" you at your apartment before a week is up. Let her in and she'll be fucking you senseless again—she'll be initiating and being verbal and sending dirty texts and pictures—and she'll keep that shit up until you take her back. At that point the sex will start to dwindle again, ABA, and in two months tops you'll be right back where you are now: telling an advice columnist you're "happy" in paragraph two of your letter and "upset," "hurt," and "disappointed" in paragraph seven.

My advice: Don't take a break, ABA, just break up.

Then you have a choice to make after you break up: You can choose to view your current predicament as a humiliating indictment of your judgement and you can spend the rest of your time abroad beating yourself up and being miserable, ABA, or you can choose to look on the bright side. And the bright side here is pretty fucking bright: You've got a great job, you have your own place, and you're in Europe. Add "single" and "free to offer intense oral and penetrative stimulation to other women" and "not stuck in the United States durin this hugely depressing national election" to that mix, ABA, and your bright side is so fucking bright it hurts to look at.

There are worse fates than being youngish, single, employed, and abroad. Do some traveling, do some other women, and do count your blessings.