America’s Next Top Model holds up a mirror to our times (or, at least, the latest trends in chokers), and, just like our country, the show kept us spinning this week. Since ANTM is moving to a new night (Wednesdays @ 7pm PST), we get TWO episodes this week, giving us more impractical outfits, more lazy entrances from Rita Ora, and **Spoiler Not Spoiler** MORE ALL THE GIRLS. It's the show's comeback episode, y'all. (Giah's back from the country and a stylist dresses her up like a Wookiee pimp. It's lovely.)

But, fellow America's Next Top Modelites, we have plenty of plot and drama to get through, so I'm gonna shuffle us along. (I ain't trying to pull a Westworld and make you wait a whole season for something thrilling.)

EPISODE 8: THE GLAMOROUS LIFE

This episode, the girls explore class struggles while Philipp Plein (the angry German who told the girls "it's top model, not flop model") reinforces problematic capitalist ideals. Also, Jason Derulo's a guest and he's FOINE.

Overheard: “I feel like something from Pretty Woman. But without the hooker part, okay?”- Marissa, on getting a Philipp Plein shopping spree

Beyond Derulo's sex factor, the girls go to Philipp Plein's house (a house Drew Elliot says is an "amazing, thick house"), wear $10,000 dresses, and pose on expensive things while trying to look more expensive. Michael Musto shows up. It's glitzy. Then they all go to New Jersey and model in a plane that costs so much that it can't fly.

Takeaway #1: Maybe the secret recipe to zeitgeisty eyebrows is 24/7 complaining.

It's a tough episode for Courtney, who surprises no one by making excuses the whole time. I've made some very lyrical and very strong haikus to articulate her journey.

I.
Courtney's hella sad
Cuz Cory Anne's rich AF.
But they hug. So cute.

II.
On set, Courtney whines
She needs Benadryl! ASAP!
No one cares. Tehe.

III.
Ora can't even
With this Courtney anymore.
But those brows? She stays.

Takeaway #2: Kyle left Marissa some famous lesbian fiction that's named after female genitalia.

Kyle, who took her appropriate exit in the previous episode, leaves Marissa a few gifts—a letter, a picture of herself, a book. It's not revealed which book was left, but, on further inspection... the book is Rubyfruit Jungle, one of our earliest literary lesbian novels! It was written by Rita Mae Brown, a woman who bears a remarkable resemblance to both Tony Danza and Tony Bennett.

Overheard: “We came up with this cool little idea of us being, like, a lesbian couple.” — Paige, attempting to not to be outshined

Way back in my first recap, I sent out a call for fanfic erotica about the love affair between Kyle + Starr, but no one sent me anything. (I'm still waiting.) However, Kyle's choice of Rubyfruit Jungle gives inspiration for potential Kyle + Marissa fanfic, and it also has some pretty spooky similarities to their relationship:

—The novel is based on a girl who's relatively unaware of her lesbianism and had a rough childhood. Just like Marissa.

—The main character wants to believe in the wonders of the rubyfruit jungle (AKA vagina stuff), but she ultimately discovers that the rubyfruit jungle is not as delicious as she'd once thought. Just like Marissa not really crushing on Kyle.

(FYI, I asked my friend if she'd ever call her vagina a rubyfruit jungle, and she said, "Nuh uh. My vagina's not sour. It's sweet.")

End Results:
TATIANA wins! Our consistently B+ student finally rises to the top of her class.

Binta goes home! This is a major bummer for me, as I was a huge fan of Binta from the beginning. Unfortunately, she lost some confidence in the recent episodes, but she's demonstrated she's a hard worker and fierce model. See ya around, Seattle queen!

Overheard: “Courtney has a goddamn pole in her back and she’s doing fucking better than me. That’s whack.” —Marissa

EPISODE 9: THE COMEBACK

All the girls return for revenge! The premise is familiar: one of the current girls gets kicked off and a previously evicted girl takes her place. There's more dancing and another music video challenge. As Kyle points out, this is the exact same thing that happened in Episode 7, but now with all the girls. Boring! Fortunately, the models bring back old drama (Kyle + Marissa = making out, duh), and they bring new drama (the twins apparently hate each other now).

Takeaway #1: Marissa's definitely a fire sign.

Marissa has to be a fire sign. I'll consult my witch friends and Google, but it's gotta be true, right? She's so feisty and ready to throw away her homework to go snog her old lady. All that considered, the other 18-year-old in the cast can't even be trusted to drink enough water to stay alive. So, I think Marissa's doing just fine. I hope TV fame doesn't mess her up too much.

Takeaway #2: Giah's an all-star and her prayers saved sweet baby Justine.

Giah's back and she's perfect. As she says: "I may be knocked down but I will never be knocked out." However, her BFF Justine gets knocked down and out, but Giah saves her through the power of prayer. Yes, this happens.

Overheard: "Everyone thought I was dead." —Justine

Takeaway #3: Whoever said Cherish is Beyoncé needs to come forward and fess up.

Big Red's back. After her makeover meltdown and elimination tirade, Cherish returns with her Trumpian confidence.

Overheard: “Cherish moves like she’s had a couple of cocktails.” —Courtney

Cherish slithers her way around the episode, lacking friends and clarity, only to reveal that someone on the crew or cast said she performed like Beyoncé. I demand to know who this crew member is right now, and for him or her to release an official statement.

Overheard: “I think I heard a Beyoncé thrown out there. Something like, ‘Watch out. She’s Beyoncé.'" —Cherish

How do I call the Beyhive? Send the bees! Cherish can't be allowed to make this comparison! (That being said, I did make the unsanctimonious collage below.)

End Results:

INDIA wins! India, our other Seattle queen, has quickly taken a lead on the competition. Her newfound confidence is a joy to watch, and she's been consistently delivering sickening shots.

And our rebel Marissa goes home. Unfocused and mouthy, it's definitely her time to go. I will miss her problematic quotes and devilish charm.

But wait! Who takes her place? None other than the lost twin, Tash. Sister drama returns, and it's gonna get bloody. Chat soon!