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I've been single now for a little over a year and a half, after getting out of a ten-year marriage. For most of this time I've been low-key FWB with a super hot and reasonably kind and communicative guy friend of mine. Now I've moved to the West Coast and I'm beginning to really date for the first time since I was a teenager. I've slept with a couple of men since I've moved, and both have made me feel weird about what I want in bed. Is a little dirty talk, spanking and mutual masturbation not vanilla? Is it wrong for me to ask for what I want within the first couple of times having sex with a new partner? Are straight men delicate sex flowers? What is vanilla? I'm new to dating and need some guidance. Help me, Guru Dan!

Here's A Light Problem

Guru?

P'shaw.

Gurus talk about meditation and mindfulness and transcendence, HALP, and most people who talk about those things—as opposed to most people who practice or experience them—give me the heebee-jeebees. I'm not knocking gurus (go ahead and listen to Eckhart Tolle cassettes if that's what gets you off), but gurus and guruing aren't for me.

Anyway, HALP, dirty talk, spanking, and mutual masturbation were too risqué for the West Coast guys you've fucked—so far. The problem isn't that straight men are delicate sex flowers, but that you've obviously been fucking the wrong straight guys. And the coast you're on now isn't the issue either. I've been living on the this damn coast for 25 years and dirty talk, spanking, and mutual masturbation are things we do on the way to first base.

Now I’m not saying the guys you've fucked over the last 18 months are boring because they’re vanilla; vanilla sex isn't boring sex and lord knows kinky sex can be tedious. All "vanilla" means is sex that doesn’t incorporate BDSM, kink, or fetish activities or clothing. No, the problem with the guys you’ve been with since landing on the West Coast isn't that they're vanilla sex flowers. It's that their assholes who shamed you for wanting to jerk off next to them, which is itself a totally vanilla sexual activity—the vanillaist sexual activity. Really, HALP, of the three activities you mentioned, only spanking falls outside the world of vanilla sex. I mean, if mutual masturbation is kinky, then pretty much anything that isn’t straight-up PIV is kinky. That would make many/most/all queer people kinky, and that’s just not true.

So, yeah, screw those guys—in the "to hell with them" sense—because they’re clueless and close-minded and couldn't find a kind, supportive way to say, "That's cool, but it's not for me," when you asked for a spanking.

I’m a big proponent of asking for what you want, HALP, and for laying your kink cards on the table early in a relationship— or, if it's a one-off, early in the evening. We don’t always know what we want, of course, but don’t worry: the West Coast is crawling with guys who are game to spank, mutually masturbate, and talk dirty. We have lots of low-key, super hot and reasonably kind and communicative guys out there too, HALP. Keep looking, keep sharing, and keep going until you find one who's into or up for the same things you are.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and—soon—lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!