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I'm sometimes sent long letters that read more like drafts of forthcoming and often ill-advised/conceived memoirs. I usually pass on these letters because, you know, the print column has a word count and looooooooooong letters are tedious and boring and, good God, get the point, people, and I don't want to risk using up the Internet on a single question. But I'm making an exception for today's "exceptional" question.

To help you (and myself) get through this NeverEnding Story, I'm going to respond to the letter writer as we go along, as opposed to waiting until the end.

I have a problem and I'm hoping for your advice/input. The problem is MINE, meaning I'm the one who needs to chill and/or move on, but I'm having a hard time doing that. Maybe you can shed some light on why I can't let this go.

I was married for over ten years to a pretty good guy. I didn't get married until I was 37, and honestly never really thought I would get married. I met him at my job and we dated for about 2 years before getting married. It was his second marriage and he had two children from his first marriage who were 16 and 19 when we married.

He accused me of cheating on him the entire time we were married. I wasn't cheating. That is, until the very end of our marriage. My cheating on him didn't make it the end, it was just the end of our marriage for no reason other than we weren't happy together anymore. We both contributed to the demise of our marriage (although like most men, he doesn't admit to his contribution). I moved out and we were separated for about three years. Things seemed to get better between us after we were no longer living together and we formed a very strong friendship that probably wouldn't have happened had we not split up. He was there for me when both my parents passed away and I was there for him when his mom died. We spent holidays together and hung out together regularly. We had fun together. We laughed a lot and I could be myself around him and say whatever sick but funny thing popped into my head. I value his friendship so much now.

It's been about seven years since we officially divorced. We didn't hire lawyers because we had already split up the marital assets and we had no children together. I didn't go after his pension even though I was legally entitled to half for the ten years we were married. I just couldn't take the pension he worked so hard for. I don't regret this decision.

Before getting in any deeper—and we're about to get colonoscope deep—let's just mark where we're at: You're around 54 (depending on how you included those three years of separation), and you've been divorced from your ex-husband for about seven years. You don't have children with him, although you became a step-mother to his older teenagers. And the most important piece of information you've relayed—the crucial tidbit that's going to inevitably come up again—is that your ex-husband thought you were cheating on him the entire decade you were married. You weren't cheating on him, but he continued being suspicious and shitty about it for ten long years. And then, when the wheels were coming off, you cheated on him. On your way out the door. When you were done—with him, with the marriage. The cheating didn't end things, things had ended. So you felt free to fuck someone else.

Noted.

Some might say that his paranoia and jealousy were self-fulfilling prophecies—he was paranoid and jealous and you got fed up and decided to go ahead and commit the crime you'd stood accused of for ten long years. But considering how common cheating is—and considering how often people who aren't paranoid or jealous get cheated on—pinning cheating on those flaws is equal parts selection bias, magical thinking, and victim-blaming. (Bearing in mind, of course, that the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.)

Anyhoo, ex-husband's behavior aside, you believe that your problem—which you haven't explained yet—is YOUR problem, and your's alone. Moving on....

I dated often after we split up, met a man I ended up seeing for about a year and a half, (that's a whole other column) and always stayed close to my ex. I never badmouthed him to any of my dates/boyfriends and still saw him often. We had sex now and then when we were both lonely and horny but not too often. I always felt like having sex with your ex-spouse is usually not a great idea. You are either together or you aren't. By continuing to sleep with your ex-husband/wife the lines get blurred and it's difficult to make it final. But we did it anyway once in a while over the years.

Fucking your ex? probably not a great idea, I agree. But some ex-couples make post-relationship sex work. As with anything and everything: individual results may vary.

He hadn't dated anyone since we split. It's been about seven years! This is a long time to be lonely. I get that. Recently, he made sure that I was aware of the fact that he met someone and is now getting laid regularly. He told me she's married which really bothered me! This bothers me because he has never ever let me forget that I cheated on him during our marriage and how horrible I was to do this to him. Still, to this day, when we would argue, he'd throw it in my face that I cheated on him. I realize that I hurt him deeply by cheating on him and I regret it. I have apologized for it and we moved past it. The fact that he is dating a married woman and it's okay (now that he's not the one being cheated on) baffles me. He's a hypocrite and I can't believe he'd be dating a married woman!

Apparently, the woman's marriage is at its end and her soon-to-be-ex is thrilled she found someone who will get her our of his hair. My ex told me that her husband is glad she's seeing someone, but that doesn't make it right in my opinion. The way I see it: if you're unhappy in your marriage, you should get out of the marriage instead of cheating and throwing it in your spouses face to hurt him. That's what my ex's GF is doing. She even put my ex up to knocking on their door when he went to pick her up at the house she still shares with her husband! My ex actually walked up to the front door and rang the doorbell so she knew he was there. The wife wanted to rub her husband's face in the fact that she has another boyfriend now. I was shocked that my ex would disrespect another man in his own home! I couldn't believe the level in which he was stooping to! I also learned that he had badmouthed me to this woman and I was very hurt and angry. I would never do that to him.

We've arrived at the nut. You believe you've been exemplary as a partner and an ex-partner—you cheated but you didn't throw your cheating in your ex's face (you got caught, like a good person); you've been kind and supportive and there for him since your divorce. Your husband, however—oh, wait, sorry. Your ex-husband, however, has been less considerate. Yes, your ex-husband is a hypocritical shit. He spent ten years accusing you of cheating, and the next seven harping on the one time you did cheat—but your affair that was the final nail in the coffin of your already deceased relationship, so it's okay, while the cheating he's a party to now is, um, the final nail in the coffin of an already deceased relationship but with door knocking and nose rubbing, so it's not okay.

Right up here at the top, letter writer, I'm going to say that your ex-husband's choices don't have anything to do with you. It doesn't fucking matter—it shouldn't matter to you—if he's knocking on some woman's door and she's married and her partner is in the kitchen and he's blah blah fuckin' blah what does this have to do with you again anyway? Why are you in the middle of this? Why is he telling you about his new GF, her husband, their front door, etc.?

This is your ex and you two are exes for reasons. Now it's time to get some boundaries for reasons—reasons like your sanity. And mine. And my readers'.

Anyway, my problem is that I'm having trouble letting go of my ex.

Ya think?

I want to stay friends with him forever, and I believe he wants the same but this woman is driving a wedge between our special friendship. He is ignoring my texts and calls, and then badmouthed me to this bimbo he's known less than two months. After he made sure I was aware that he was seeing someone I found out who she was and I sent her husband a friend request on FB, thinking he would just accept the request (like many people do) and that maybe I could get more info about this woman my ex is seeing. Instead her soon-to-be-ex-husband messaged me asking if we know each other and I told him who I was. We chatted and he told me that she repeated stuff that my ex had told her about me. This angered the hell out of me and made me lash out at my ex for betraying my privacy and I let him know that she repeated everything to her ex who told me. When he asked her about it she lied to him and said she never repeated anything. She's lying because the stuff her husband told me is stuff he'd have no way of knowing unless my ex had told her and she told her ex.

You are acting like a crazy person.

I am having trouble accepting the fact that my ex is seeing someone else.

So your ex is an asshole—he's betrayed your privacy, he's a hypocrite, he badmouths you to people he barely knows—and yet you're angry he isn't making more time for you. Can you see how crazy that sounds? Especially when you aren't showing much respect for the privacy of others? What right did you have to contact and invade the privacy of the current/soon-to-be-ex husband of your ex-husband's girlfriend?

Okay, I need a break. Gotta take a piss, get something to drink, throw myself off the roof.

We're back!

I am baffled by this because I don't want him back. I don't want to live with him again, I don't even want to have sex with him again. I guess I just liked knowing that he would always be there for me and vice versa.

You didn't want to fuck him anymore but you didn't want him fucking anyone else. Got it.

Now he's acting like some cocky stud who has to prove to me that he can still get laid. She has him doing things for her that make him look like a whipped pussy and that's not him at all! He's always been a strong, honest, loyal man who possessed more integrity than most men I've known. Now she puts him up to disrespecting her husband in his own house and I know for a fact that she sees him as her meal ticket out of her horrible marriage. I don't want him to get hurt, and I realize he's a big boy and can handle his business himself, but I hate to see him being made to look like some pussy whipped little slave boy. (No, it's not a role play scenario they are playing on purpose!) He is just so happy to have found someone to fuck him regularly I think he's willing to stoop to her less than noble level and let her walk all over him. It hurts me to see him like this. Not to mention the fact that she's married and before he met her he thought so little of cheaters. Now he is doing that himself.

Three quick things...

1. If it hurts you to see him like this, STOP LOOKING.

2. You know how a "straight" guy who won't shut up about the perverted homos is likely to be a homo? Well, a guy who won't shut up about the awful cheaters is likely to be a cheater himself. Both guys are externalizing an internal conflict, both are boring as hell, and both make lousy husbands.

3. Even if it's all going down exactly as you've described, letter writer, how is it any of your business? If someone you're no longer in a relationship with wants to be the whipped pussy* of someone you've never met and together they want to treat someone you don't know from Adam—but can quickly locate on Facebook—with disrespect, that's not any of your business.

I know that as long as this idiot woman is in his life he will see me less, spend less time with me, etc., because he's got someone else to spend time with and she fucks him! No matter who I dated after my marriage ended I never ignored my ex. I never talked poorly about him. I never betrayed him in any way. I still found time to hang out with him and we spent holidays together since I have no other family here. Now I'm scared I'll be pushed aside by my ex and have no one to spend the holidays with (which are not for another year or so). I know this woman he's seeing has told her soon to be ex everything that my ex has told her, she's shared info with her ex that my ex has shared with her in confidence. This woman isn't a good person and I know she is hoping he helps her financially to get out of her marriage. He has grand kids he could better spend that money on! I have no idea if he would help her financially or not and I know it's none of my business anyway. I just would hate for him to be taken advantage of by some married bimbo he's fucking. I'm sure she likes him as he's a great guy. I know he likes her because she's fucking him. I have no idea if he loves her or vice versa. They've only been dating for 2 months, so it's probably lust if anything.

Remember how I said this isn't your problem? Remember how you said that at the start of your letter? ("The problem is MINE...") Let's pause to reemphasize that point again. Your ex-husband and this "bimbo he's known less than two months" are adult humans making their own adult human choices and adult human mistakes. If you would've disengaged when you should've—which, really, was seven years ago—you might've avoided making the mistake of sending the soon-to-be-ex-husband of your ex-husband's girlfriend a friend request on Facebook to get more information about her. This stalkerish move was a major invasion of your ex's privacy, his girlfriend's privacy, and his girlfriend's husband's privacy. And yet you lashed out at your ex for invading... your privacy?

And your ex-husband's girlfriend may not even be cheating on her husband. You seem to know a lot about their relationship, but you're also overlooking the fact that all of this is happening right out in the open. Their divorce papers may not be finalized, but your ex-husband's girlfriend's soon-to-be-ex-husband doesn't seem too upset about this "cheating." But again, what your ex-husband does with his dick isn't any of your business. You are not involved. Mind your own business. Back off. Block their numbers, unfollow them on social media, go find someone to fuck yourself or buy a vibrator get a lap dance or some boundaries or a hobby or something.

Dan, I'm hurt and very angry at the horrible way my ex has been treating me since he met this married woman. I am having trouble with the fact that I don't get to see him as often and it's driving me nuts.

"My ex is horrible—and I hardly get to see him anymore!" is the relationship equivalent of "The food here is terrible—and the portions are so small!"

I am dating someone but it's not serious and I don't even know if it will last much longer. I would never alienate my ex over some guy I just met two months ago like he is doing to me. I am sad, angry and hurt and there's nothing I can do about it!

You're a better person than your ex. Not much better—I mean, he's being an asshole, but you're the one doing stalkerish shit. But if it makes you feel better, and if it'll get you to stop, I'll come down on your side and rule that you're less awful than he is. Now cut him out of your life.

I realize now how deeply I hurt him during and even after our marriage, although he never was able to express his true feelings to me while we were married. When I announced that I was moving out, his response was, "Fine, get the fuck out." He wasn't emotionally open enough to say, "Hey, don't leave me, I love you, let's work this out." Had he done that, I seriously may have worked harder on my marriage.

So... your marriage wasn't dead when you cheated on him? The cheating was a cry for attention? Hm. That backfired, didn't it?

He was never open with his feelings and when I hurt him he would withdraw inside himself even more. I know now that he was hurting but refused to show it or express it. I wish he had. It's too late for that now though. I can't help but wonder if he's getting back at me and purposely trying to hurt me like I hurt him? I wouldn't really put it past him. He's feeling all cocky and sure of himself now that he's seeing someone and this would be the perfect opportunity for him to get back at me for the hurt I caused him. Do you think that's what he's doing? He has plenty of free time to include me in his life when he's not with his married GF, so that's the only reason I can think of as to why he's been treating me so poorly by ignoring me, talking about me behind my back, and not spending any time with me. I'm very sad and very hurt.

"My ex is horrible—and I hardly get to see him anymore!"

I have to admit that I liked the fact that he wasn't seeing anyone regularly and that we spent time together (maybe 1 or 2 nights a week we'd go out). I used to have no doubt that he still loves me like family but you don't treat someone you love so poorly, so now I'm beginning to doubt he still loves me.

How can I get over the fact that he's seeing someone who is threatening our friendship and he's allowing it to happen? He's my only family here and I love him like family. I always will love him (not in a romantic way) and I can't stand the thought of losing him, especially to a low rent bimbo who has brought him down to her level? I hate feeling this way and although I know I'll get over it eventually I want to get over it NOW. Any advice or input?

Exceptional X

Your ex's current relationship will most likely fail, fall apart, collapse, come to tears, turn to shit, etc., in the very near future. Most new relationships do. But again, and for a final time, your ex's current relationship isn't your problem. The problem you have to confront—the one you're endlessly circling around—is your continued emotional and social dependance on your ex-husband. You ask why can't you let this go. Because he's the only family you have and because, even though you divorced him, you never really left him. You never ended it with him. You've been exes for years, EX, but you were more than friends—emotionally wrapped up in each other's lives, frequently in each others' beds, there for each other during major life crises.

On some level, EX, you were and are still hoping your ex would someday be "emotionally open" enough to say, "Hey, don't leave me, I love you, let's work this out." Repeat after me: That's never going to happen. And given what a shit your ex is or has turned into, you shouldn't want it to happen.

It's time to end it, EX. If he's the only family you have where you are, move closer to other family members. If you can't move, make some new friends and create a new family for yourself. The fact that your ex is already ignoring your texts and calls is going to be a big help. Now it's time for you to take the (long overdue) step of deleting his numbers and unfollowing him on social media. Stop sending him texts, stop leaving him messages.

Find a good therapist, stop obsessing about your ex's shit, start working on your own.


* I'm repeating this expression, not endorsing it.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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