I am a 24 year old lesbian living in the southeast who has had limited experience with dating. I recently met this girl on Tinder. We messaged for a few days and then met for a quick cup of coffee. (Thank you for the "meet sooner rather than later" advice because it gave me the courage to ask her out pretty quickly!) It went really well and I find her personality and looks very attractive. It's been about 2 weeks and we just had our fourth date. I really like her. The only issue is that I think that she is someone who wants to wait awhile before having sex. I understand this; however, she identifies as bi but has never been in a relationship or had sex with a woman. I'm worried about waiting too long to have sex and then she realizes that perhaps she isn't into women as much as she thought she was and might be more heteroflexible than bi. As time passes I'm finding myself more and more emotionally invested in her.

So, how long do you think I should be willing to wait before trying to talk about having sex or steering the relationship more towards that direction? Really, this situation would apply even if I was dating another lesbian, because you just can't know if you are sexually compatible with someone until you have sex, or at least fool around some. So far we have just hugged and had a quick kiss. I feel like I have been dropping subtle hints that I am open for more, but since she is the one with less experience, I am letting her kind of direct how much contact she wants.

Dan, I really want to at least make out with this girl! But she seems to want to move SO SLOW. I have anxiety issues so I may be overthinking this whole thing, and I know I probably need to just loosen up and "enjoy the ride" but I have a hard time enjoying spending time together when I'm worried the other shoe is going to drop any second. Or that I don't know where I stand. I'm someone who generally likes to just talk about these things in the open because I prefer honest conversations to uncertainty, but I also do not want to scare her off by moving too fast or being too open and honest. Geez, I'm all a mess. Please give this wound up ball of nerves some advice. I'd really appreciate it!

What Am I Thinking

You've waited long enough, WAIT—not for sex (four dates doesn't entitle you to sex), but to ask where you stand, what she's thinking, and how she's feeling.

Four dates? At this point you probably know things about her family and childhood and how she loved Stranger Things but hated The OA. You've probably started to pick up on her weird ticks or noticed how she crinkles her nose when she laughs. Now I haven't been in the room for any of these dates, of course—she might not even have a nose, for all I know. (I've been at this long enough to know never to make assumptions about another person's nasal status.) But you get my point: You're not entitled to sex or a make out session, but you are more than entitled to ask questions and get answers.

You're wound up and anxious not because you're a mess, WAIT, but because you're wary—and you have a right to be wary. You're starting to develop feelings. And feelings are tricky. They're hard to get rid of. As a lesbian, it's not a good idea to let yourself develop feelings for a person who possibly "isn't into women as much as she thought she was." Yes, people need friends and companions, but you got on Tinder looking for dates and (at some point) sex. Sex is a thing you want and it's a thing you were actively seeking when you agreed to meet up with her. Does she feel the same way? Was she looking for the same thing? Is she still? Does she want that thing with you? Getting clarity on those points is crucial, WAIT, because you can't loosen up and "enjoy the ride" until you know what ride you're on.

Ask her if she wants to make out, WAIT, and if she might want to have some of that lesbian sex the lesbians are always having. She might not be ready yet or ready ever—invite her to say so either way—but who knows? She may be ready and she's been waiting for you to make the first move—the move being an ask, WAIT, not a lunge—while you're sitting there waiting for her to either make the first move herself or send you a lesbigram that invites you to make the first move. You're making a lot of assumptions about how she feels ("I think that she is someone who wants to wait awhile before having sex..."), assumptions that may or may not be accurate. No more assumptions. Ask already.

And if her answer is not yet and she can't tell you when she might be ready... well, we all have our nonnegotiables, WAIT, and dating someone who actually wants to fuck us is a nonnegotiable for most people. If she can't commit to the sex and romance parts of being with you and/or being a lesbian, WAIT, then it's better to get out now.