Come to Mama. (Shes on VH1.)
She done already done had herses! Viacom Media Networks. Collage by author.

Eight years ago, RuPaul Charles birthed her child, RuPaul's Drag Race, with the help of a daddy named Logo TV. There were low expectations for this child. (Gay Bob the Builder Rick & Steve: The Happiest Gay Couple in the World was also on Logo during this era.) But here we are, almost a decade later, and RPDR has brought her momma some trophies and helped shape a whole new generation of rising queer kids. The show has also, for better or worse, found a new daddy. RuPaul Charles has packed up her baby and not only moved in with richer, straighter VH1, but also moved to a new night: Friday primetime, at 8pm EST.

But first, a pressing question: Why's it taken so long for Lady Gaga to get on the show? While we can imagine a million reasons why Gaga would love RPDR, it's taken the star nine seasons to sashay, shantay, panther on the runway. Well, little monsters, it all started with a tweet from 2013:


Gaga, who "started out in these club," had been begging to be on the show, but wasn't able to fit it into her schedule until the ninth season, which filmed this past summer. But don't worry, Mama Ru makes it up to Mother Monster by dedicating the entirety of this season's premiere, "Oh My Gaga," to miss Joanne herself. (Back off, Gaga stans, I know she's not actually Joanne. Fan Fact: Joanne is the name of Gaga's late aunt.)

In an homage to Gaga and drag pageants (a small surprise, seeing as the show is typically condescending towards pageant culture), the queens compete by showing off their best Lady Gaga-inspired looks in a Lady Gaga Pageant. For many fans, this is a dream challenge that will inspire mee-mawing at TV screens and random, wreckless death drops of appreciation. And by Gaga-inspired, I mean: Get-That-Motherfuckin'-Look-on-Point-Because-Gaga's-Shamelessly-Name-Droppin'-and-Lookin'-for-Perfection. As is expected, some queens are wonderful, and some remind us that one week notice isn't enough time to prepare a sufficient amount of looks for the show.

I have underwear older than her. - Hides, on Moan
"I've never vacuumed before." —Farrah Moan Vico Valez Photography. Collage by author.

Of course, there's the initial entrances of the queens. Aja, Alexis Michelle, Charlie Hides, Eureka, Farrah Moan, Jaymes Mansfield, Kimora Blac, Nina Bo’Nina Brown, Peppermint, Sasha Velour, Shea Couleé, Trinity Taylor, and Valentina enter the workroom and beat their first impressions into us. Eureka and Trinity Taylor have pageant beef. Kimora Blac's done drag for 10 years and Valentina's done it for 10 months. Jaymes Mansfield is an eternal weirdo. Charlie Hides (who will probably talk about her age for the rest of her time on this season) says she has underwear older than Farrah Moan, and Farrah Moan says she's never vacuumed in her life. (My ex-boyfriend, also from Las Vegas, was terrible at vacuuming. Is this a Vegas thing?)

“Touch it. It’s arctic fox with saffron.”
“Touch it. It’s arctic fox with saffron.” —Aja

Lady Gaga surprises all the queens by entering the workroom last, and it's a clever trick that results in an immediate emotional breakdown from Eureka (who sincerely says Gaga saved her life). We're reminded, within the first 10 minutes, that this is one of the smartest, craftiest shows on TV. RuPaul then makes her entrance and announces that... there will be no queens going home this episode?

Lame! Gimme a blood bath!

But the episode continues with the queens scrambling to put together looks inspired by Gaga and also their hometowns. In all the busyness, Trinity Taylor lets everyone know her hips aren't pads, they're silicone. ("I love plastic surgery. I went from a pancake to a Kardashian.”) She gives off an arrogant, gonna-go-home-on-the-4th-episode vibe (but this performance from the season 9 premiere party shows Taylor is a queen to watch out for). Other strong competitors? Sasha Velour, who describes herself as "all weird," but the real weird ones are obvi Valentina and Jaymes Mansfield. Aja's also a queen with a following (watch this vid). In addition to having a following, she's a scrappy namedropper who goes around showing off her fur coat made out of arctic fox and saffron (while struggling to pronounce arctic).

In the competition, the girls all generally produce solid looks, with Nina Bo’Nina Brown coming THRUUUU with her curvacious Gaga interpretation and scary AF peach head in honor of her home state of Georgia. Seriously, y'all. The judges were gagging but this shit is too much. I'm gonna be haunted by this peach head for the rest of the season. Put it away. Burn it with fire. Let it mold. No. No. No.

And then the Ru-veal: to make up for the boring choice of eliminating NO ONE (and spoiling this decision at the top of the episode), RuPaul closes the final moments of the show with a shocking trope she's used before...

A QUEEN FROM ANOTHER SEASON IS COMING BACK!

But who is it? In the final minute, a plucky, sparkly queen moves out of the darkness and onto the stage. Some queens gag. Aja's jaw drops so low it does its own death drop. Shea Couleé makes lots of faces. And then the episode closes. Sneaky.

There are a few things we know:
—She appears to have dark skin
—She wears sparkly, pageant outfits
—Her posture is PERKY

TBH, I was stumped on this one. So I enlisted local queen and internet sleuth, Betty Wetter, to do some digging. After putting all the potential queens through a highly complicated algorithm, she sent me back this...

17505977_10102854515016071_1997079762_n.jpg

And I have to tell ya, kids. Wetter's right. The proof is in the pose. It's totally Cynthia Lee Fontaine.

Next Week: Is Wetter Right? (Rarely. But In This Case? Yes.)

P.S. Drag speak got you down, straightie? Confused how you gag on fishy eleganza? Browse this Buzzfeed listicle for some clarification, hunty. Even better: Paris is Burning is back on Netflix. Watch up.