Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: How can he make himself feel less broken? Will he win over the love of his life? Also: last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

In regards to ONE:

The "love of your life" is usually someone from your past, who enjoys the benefit of you wearing an industrial pair of rose-colored glasses. Personally, the woman I could view as my "love of my life" came at a time when I was fairly young and the world was still all sparkly and shiny. She was an exceptional woman, and a fantastic lover, but there were numerous factors that contributed at the time to make our relationship as intense as it was for a short (year & a half) period of time that would have been (and were) unsustainable over the long run. My current relationship isn't as fiery and passionate, but in so many ways this woman is a much better fit for me...a fact I realize due to a lifetime's wealth of experience. Even if I could reconnect with the old girlfriend, it would never be the same. The time and place that made what we had so special has long since moved on. I'm grateful for what I had, but I'm even more grateful for what I have.

More for ONE:

It seems strange for a 49 y.o and an almost 30 y.o. to still be believing in "the love of my life." LW, do consider that maybe you think Nina is the love of your life because she rejected you twice. She was finished with your relationship before you were, so part of you never moved on from her. As for your current love, if you love her, then tell her her she is the one you love now, your past is the past, the other women aren't part of your life anymore (and MAKE SURE THEY'RE NOT). Maybe your current partner is worried about you saying that your ex-wife is family, and that will never change! That's a bit strange, LW, unless you have kids with her?

A reader has some advice for all Savage Love LWs:

Use your words.

That's excellent advice—it's so good, in fact, that I give it all the time.

Some love, support, and perspective for SOLO:

I was you, once, SOLO. Maybe not quite as extreme and it was pre-PreP so I used condoms, but lots of random sex, never a boyfriend. Got into therapy and it did wonders. My mantra became gratification does not equal satisfaction. Good luck. You actually sound like a pretty self-aware and OK guy.

And about my response to MESSY:

I'm really disappointed in your response to MESSY. I've been in a relationship with a woman who suffers from BPD (borderline personality disorder) and this letter is literally dripping with the symptoms of this illness. Instead of asking the writer if she's tried being truly honest with a therapist with BPD and personality disorder experience or explored BPD materials to find similarities to her story, you basically told her to just be herself and stop trying. That's like telling an alcoholic, "Well, it sounds like you're miserable and you drink too much and you can't get better, so just carry on til the bitter end and if you partner loves you and tolerates it, that's the best you can do."

There's hope and help out there Dan for everyone and especially MESSY! Instead of throwing up your hands and taking the writer at face value, you could've read between the lines and acknowledged the desperate cry for help. She doesn't want to keep being miserable or hurting her partner so she reached out to you as best she could and you basically wrote her off as is so common for individuals suffering from BPD and personality disorders.

No one is doomed to suffer alone Dan. The world of BPD and personality disorder sufferers is dark and gloomy enough, a little light and a bit of consideration might serve MESSY well and go a long way toward illuminating the struggles of people who suffer in vain with mental health issues. Please point MESSY (and others) to https://www.bpdcentral.com or to any of the books by Randi Krieger, Debbi Corso, Jerold Kreisman or in particular "Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder" by Rachel Reiland. I hope you read this email and share it with your audience. People who suffer from personality disorders need compassion, understanding and helpful resources, not a sad shrug of the shoulders and to be written off as is so often what occurs.

Thanks for all the wonderful columns over the years and for sending a little hope to all those suffering from BPD and other personality disorders who are too scared or too stuck to reach out for the help they need.

I'll make sure MESSY sees the above response. Another reader on my response to MESSY...

Just wanted to tell you that I loved your response to MESSY— it struck me as beautiful in its compassion for the messiness of life, love, marriage, and all of us, and its insistence that we are still responsible for our own choices.

About my advice to Lovecast to a straight female prof being sexually harassed by a 65-year-old gay male student (I suggested he might be losing it)...

I am a 63-year-old woman who manages a team of 14 art therapists in the NYC jail system. I am in full control of my faculties, and my 95-year-old mother is still functioning on her own. Although I thoroughly enjoy your podcast and listen frequently while driving to and from work, your "not to be ageist..." comment the in Episode 568 was offensive to me.

It was totally ageist.

Statistically, even early-onset Alzheimer’s disease occurring between a person’s 30's to mid-60's represents less than 10 percent of all people with Alzheimer’s. I am not the exception, but the rule. To provide this guy with this possible excuse, even just as a suggestion, seemed to be uninformed and a distraction from the problem, as well as guilt-inducing for the person who has been so rudely treated. I wonder if you would have offered this if he was straight. I don't usually discern any prejudice on your part, or a lack of willingness to hold all people responsible for their behaviors regardless of orientation or identity, but in this case I found your comment to be bizarre. I don't feel I am avoiding the inevitability of aging, but I am certainly not "end-of-life," and am assuming I have another third to go unless I get hit by a truck. Your attitude really turned me off.

Thanks for reading this, if indeed you did...

Indeed I did. I also told the offended prof to have that boorish student booted from her class, so he didn't get a pass from me just because he was gay or getting older. And finally...

Ms. Sedgwick will be hearing from my imaginary lawyers.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com

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