I have a question. My boyfriend, he’s a very aggressive, tall, attractive man. He says he loves me with all his heart. He’s really attracted to me. But I have some concerns. He likes to wear thongs, he’s watched gay porn and gets off on it and he likes anal on himself. He grew up masturbating by putting things up there. I’ve never experienced this kind of man before. I just want to love him the best way I can. Is he in denial or can he really love me and want to be with me? I’m just I’m unsure who to ask about this, I don’t want to embarrass him. These are private things that he confided in telling me.

Up His Butt

Does he eat your pussy? — Dan

Yes he loves doing that. It’s one of his favorites. — UHB

He's not gay. Or most likely not gay. Before Tumblr comes for me: Some gay or bi men have pussies and the gay/bi men who eat their pussies are totally gay/bi and not at all straight. But if you're cis and your boyfriend is eating your pussy, the chances that he's gay are very, very slim. — Dan

Would you say he’s bisexual? Can you expand on him being not gay? You don’t think he might be overcompensating? — UHB

He might be bi, UHB, that’s certainly a possibility—even if he didn't like butt stuff and gay porn, bi would be a possibility. But considering what he’s already told you, why not tell you that too? Hm. Maybe because a lot of bi people—particularly bi guys—have a hard time coming out, because the news is rarely received well, UHB, by same- and/or opposite-sex partners. So, yeah, he could be bi. Or he could be a straight guy who’s really, really, REALLY into ass play and it's not so much the gay thing that turns him on about gay porn as it is the focus on butt play. Just as there are lesbians who enjoy gay porn and gay men who enjoy straight porn, UHB, there are straight men out there who enjoy gay porn. Those straight guys are much less likely to casually share that info with friends or lovers, however, since everyone is going to think they're gay. (No one thinks a gay guy who likes straight porn is secretly straight. Weird.)

Now the chances that any given guy who enjoys gay porn—even a straight one—is gay or bi himself are higher, even if he isn't gay- or bi-identified. Because duh. But if you're wondering whether straight/heteroflexible guys who enjoy gay porn exist, UHB, you can rest assured they do.

As for the denial issue: It doesn't sound like he's in denial. A closeted guy deep in denial would tell his girlfriend that wasn't his gay porn (must've gotten a computer virus) and those weren't his ass toys and lube (a buddy must've left them under his bed as a prank). A guy who tells his girlfriend he loves ass play, gay porn, and eatin' pussy isn't in denial. He may be evolving—he may not always identify as straight—but in denial he's not.

So if he were bi—even if he never got with a guy, even if he was strictly monogamous—would that be a problem for you? — Dan

Well he told me he had one experience with a man. He’s unsure how he feels about it. He had a difficult time explaining how he felt. He generally has difficulty verbalizing his emotions. And I’m not sure how I feel about it either. All I know is that I’m jealous that I don’t have a penis to put in his anus and I wish I was more comfortable with butt things. Our relationship is fairly new. About six months in and everything is coming out. I’m just trying to process all of this. Seeking help so I can understand more.

I guess I fear that he’s gay and I’m not what he’s looking for. I rather help him figure that out sooner than later and get heart broken but in any relationship heartbreak is a possibility. — UHB

Some straight guys into gay porn have a same-sex experience and then find that experience confusing because they're not actually gay or bi. They figured, hey, the porn turns me on, what about the reality? And when the reality of MM sex does nothing for them, they wind up feeling unsure about themselves and what it all means—because most people haven't heard of straight guys who like gay porn and butt stuff, so those guys have no ability to conceive of themselves as such.

I'm working really hard to convince you he's straight, UHB, which he may not be. But he could be straight. Or bi.

And, hey, no need to be jealous about penises, UHB: you can, if you decide to keep seeing him, acquire as many penises as you like. And you know what? I was pretty uncomfortable with butt stuff when I first became sexually active. (It's true!) Doing butt stuff with someone I loved and trusted helped de-hangup me and it could do the same for you. As for the gay fears, those are legit—the gay porn, the butt thing. But, again, he eats your pussy. It's not a foolproof way to tell if a guy isn't gay, of course, because there are definitely some gay guys out there who enjoyed eating pussy before they came out and some gay guys out there who enjoy going down on their gay trans boyfriends and gay guys who'll eat a little pussy during a MMF threesome. But it's safe to say that a majority of gay—perhaps a supermajority—aren't into eating pussy at all; even gay men who had straight sex under duress before coming out (like I did) avoided oral sex.

If your boyfriend isn't straight, UHB, he's much likelier to be bi than gay. A bisexual boyfriend can be a blast—think of the threeways you could have (but aren't obligated to have and not all bisexuals want to have threeways and bisexuals are just as capable of being monogamous as monosexuals and spare me Tumbr)—so I would encourage you to keep seeing this guy. Even if you wind up parting in a few months, even if this isn't the relationship you're going to be in for the rest of your life, it could still be a worthwhile relationship—a good, loving, and successful short-term relationship. And that's the worst case scenario—you could wind up with this guy forever.

Or some non-butt issue—deadbeatism, differences about kids or marriage or religion, a MAGA hat tucked away in a drawer somewhere—could lead to the end of this relationship. — Dan