"We have discovered that neither of us particularly cares if we, ourselves, reach orgasm," a woman wrote me at "Savage Love" back in April, "but we both care very deeply that the other is satisfied." Their sex life sucked and she wanted to know what she could do about it. My advice:
One of you is going to have to nut/ovum up and get selfish. You're both so giving, so unconcerned with your own pleasure, so invested in pleasing your partner. And all of that sounds so wonderful in theory—who doesn't want a completely selfless sex partner?—but in practice, selfless sex partners make lousy lays. Giving is great, but in every truly great sexual encounter, someone is taking: taking charge, taking over, taking control, giving pleasure to their partner by taking pleasure from their partner.
And if it's not going to be him, SANA, it'll have to be you. Take a look at where your concern for his satisfaction has gotten you, SANA, and repeat after me: "Fuck him and fuck his satisfaction." Then ask yourself these questions: What do I want? What turns me on? What do I want to experience and explore? You're not doomed if you can come up with the answers to those questions, SANA, but if you can't, well, then I'm afraid you are doomed. Doomed to lousy sex in this relationship, for as long as it lasts, and doomed to lousy sex in your next relationship if you wind up with another guy who's as "giving" as you are.
And now the science backs me up:
Study: Selfish Lovers Are Better in Bed
A new study defies the common belief that those who focus on their partners’ needs in bed make the best lovers. The findings were presented at the Association for Psychological Science convention in Boston and conducted by Kwantlen Polytechnic University’s Hayley Leveque and Cory Pederson.
The researchers studied 60 couples, half of whom were between the ages of 18 and 25 and the other half over the age of 30. Participants were asked about their motivations for having sex and their levels of sexual satisfaction with their current partners. Those in the younger age group were more self-focused and their reasons for having sex included being horny and seeking pleasure. Those over the age of 30 were more likely to list showing love and affection for their partner as a reason for engaging in sexual activity.
What was most surprising was the fact that a high level of sexual self-focus was positively correlated with a partner’s level of sexual satisfaction.
"We found that as a partner's sexual self-focus decreased, their partner's satisfaction decreased," says Leveque. "You would think it would be exactly the opposite, with a partner being more attentive to the other partner's needs, but that's not what we found. It was sort of counterintuitive."
Counterintuitive unless, like me, you have good counterintuition.