Ye Olde Boorian Librarye
Ye Olde Boorian Librarye
  • Ye Olde Boorian Librarye

A few weeks ago, during a drive to Tacoma, my friend began ruminating on the city of Burien.

“Burien,” he said. “What kind of a word is that?”

I replied that I did not know. It was indeed a strange word.

As we live in this age of smartphones and Wikipedia, and no piece of information is out of reach at any time in any place in the universe ever, we soon found what we sought. AND OOPS! IT WAS CUTER THAN A BASKET OF CREAM-CHEESE-FROSTED KITTENS IN A BOUNCY CASTLE ON A PANDA-FART-SHAPED CLOUD.

It starts like this. Quoth Wikipedia:

European settlement in the Burien area dates to 1870, when Mike Kelly walked up a hill from the Seattle area. When he emerged from the trees he said, “This is truly a sunny dale.” Today, a few long-time residents still refer to the Burien area as Sunnydale.

If I ever meet a wrinkly Burien old-timer who says, “Welcome to Sunnydale!” I will punch him right in the tooth. Seriously. Because that is TOO FUCKING CUTE.

Not to be outdone by me assaulting a fictional smiling geriatric gentleman, Wikipedia goes on!

Ten years later, Gottlieb Von Boorian, a German immigrant, arrived in Sunnydale, which was only a community of trails and small houses without roads or commercial buildings. Von Boorian built a cabin on the southeast corner of Lake Burien and reportedly formed the community into a town bearing his name (misspelled over the years).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! SEHR GUT!!!!!

But what’s that? There’s more? Hold on to your buttholes!

In 1915, the Lake Burien Railway was completed. It ran on what is today Ambaum Boulevard from Burien to White Center to Seattle. A small passenger train ran the tracks and was affectionately named by the residents The Toonerville Trolley. However in the summer, squished caterpillars made the track slippery, and in the winter, the tracks iced over. Soon the Toonerville Trolley was removed.

Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery. Squished caterpillars made the track slippery.

The Toonerville Trolley was removed.

I’m Lindy West and I’m dead now*. From the cuteness. Thanks a lot, Burien.

UPDATE: I completely forgot that half the reason I wrote this post was because I wanted to make a joke that it was like something out of Beatrix Potter, and then put a fake Wikipedia quote saying:

The current mayor of Burien is the Right Honorable Ms. Jemima Puddle-Duck.

LATERZ!

*If, for some freakish reason, I DO up and die immediately after writing this post, I don’t want you guys reading it and feeling all awkward like I had a premonish or something. Or like I’m speaking to you from beyond the grave. Also, please don’t arrest the city of Burien for my murder. People can’t really die of cuteness—it’s just a silly conceit I used to frame this post. Now go get drunk at my funeral.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

20 replies on “A Brief History of Burien: Get Ready to Die”

  1. Those tent caterpillars can be dangerous.

    And very wiggly. Their green blood turns people into man-eating cute bunnies.

    Well, if you drink about a liter of it.

  2. The coroner is calling it the first documented death of cuteness. Miss West’s lungs were filled with kittens, and a massive caterpillar buildup was found to be squishing her brain, making it slippery. She will be buried in Boorian.

  5. Burien: reminding you that one of Seattle’s “worst” neighborhoods is prettier, safer, and cheaper than 90% of America’s best neighborhoods since 1870

    seriously give me a fucking break. cultural relativity for the lose.

  7. Burien? That’s where Sloggers go to die when they get older, have kids and realize they can’t afford Seattle with their shitty, low paying jobs. Kent is where the homoshekuals go for the same reasons.

  9. I’m confused. That’s not the Burien library; it’s the OLD Burien library. The new one is a giant, gleaming two-headed monster that’s half library, half city hall. Burien is an awesome little town; decent brewpub, Aussie pies, a million places to get great Mexican food, the likes of which most of Seattle (outside of South Park) has no clue about. The lower part of the main shopping drag is a little too twee for me, but the upper sixties part is perfectly charming. And it’s got about ten thousand midcentury modern houses.

  10. Lindy, this post is the best poem you’ve ever written (that I’ve seen, I mean, of course)!

    I especially liked where you got all Gertrude Stein-y w/the squished caterpillars!! w00t!

  13. Hey, I grew up in Burien. Don’t think I’d ever move back, but still not a bad little town, all things considered.

    I can’t tell if this post is complimentary or not.

  15. I believe a butthole is technically a negative space surrounded by butt, and, just as you cant put your arms around a memory, it is quite difficult to hold onto the nothingness of a butthole.
    Even in the Disney movie, they failed to actually hold onto it, although Maxmillian Schell certainly tried.

    However, if anyone can do it, Lindy could.

  19. Vader was named after a German immigrant, too. When the citizenry named the town after him, he got pissed off and moved to Florida.

    /lewiscountyhistory

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