Advertising has made so many of our thieves into effete, overrefined ferrari-stealers. But now and again, a snatcher comes by who is willing to fight for what his body knows is really important.
According to a Seattle police report, on November 14 at approximately 6:30 p.m., a man and a woman entered a convenience store — likely a 76 Station, according to Google maps — on 14th Avenue S. After the two customers wandered through the store, the store owner reports that he witnessed the man drop a Drumstick ice cream bar into his front jacket pocket. (Epicurus would be proud.) Perturbed by this, the store owner confronted the alleged thief. He reached into the suspect’s jacket pocket and removed the Drumstick, at which point the report states that “the suspect struck [the victim’s] hand forcibly with his own hand.” The store owner marched the couple to the front counter and banished them from the store. The couple drove off Drumstickless.
The next day the alleged would-be thieves returned at high noon, this time with another man in tow. The report states that the “store owner and store employee saw the suspect at the front door when he stepped inside.” The store owner ordered the suspect and his friends to leave. An argument ensued. The alleged almost Drumstick thief “taunted [the store employee] to step outside in order to ‘settle’ the situation.” The employee agreed a “settling” was in order. Once outside, the suspect threw coffee on the victim and the two began to wrastle. This wrastling continued until, climatically, the victim was punched in the head by the suspect. Then the three suspects jumped into the suspect’s vehicle and fled, for the second day, Drumstickless.
Now, replace “ice cream bar” with livestock, water, or oil, and you have the history of humanity in a nutshell. But I can’t help myself from quoting Wallace Stevens here, because, truly: “the only emperor is the emperor of ice cream.”
Obviously, we should all switch to Gelato.
ONE MUDEDE IS ENOUGH
yeah, so is Mudede taking a sabbatical so he can reappear as an unpaid intern, or did he just use someone else’s computer to write this post?
“Wrastle” isn’t a word.
The word is “wrassle” or just “rassle”.
But I’m afraid “Advertising has made so many of our thieves into effete, overrefined ferrari-stealers.” can’t be parsed.
Well, that’s because it should be “Ferrari-stealers”. It’s a name.
Very nice!
@5, wrastle was me. That’s how I spell it, Fnarf. You want to take it outside?
Fair enough, Cienna. Now can you demonstrate how to punch someone in the head climatically? Is that when little clouds and lightning bolts rotate lazily around their head, like in a cartoon?
Am I the only one who thinks of vampires when reading “The Emperor of Ice Cream”?
Were these guys Cuban? I went to Cuba a few years ago, and Ice cream was one of their subsidised “staples” which you could get on every other street corner. I assumed it must have been passed by Castro as one of the things all Cubans were entitled to, along with education and health care, and greasy pizza.
Define: wrastle
Google: “No definitions were found for wrastle.”
Dictionary.com: “Wrestle. (Dialect)”
Urban Dictionary:
(1) “To wrestle naked. Or For two guys to wrestle in a non-gay way, because guys in lycra wrestling gives wrestling a bad name. Or from writer chaucer; Who wrastleth best naked, with oil enoint. – Chaucer.”
(2) “To postiton your thumb next to your pointing finger and stick it in someones ass.”
😛
Don’t they mean wrasslin’?
I for one like Trujillo’s flair.