Headline:

What’s the Deal
with Seashells?

And Other Questions I Have
About Seashells

I mean, seriously, seashells. What’s the deal? Okay, you’re a crab’s house. You’re a mollusk’s skin. You’re a mermaid’s brassiere. You’re walrus currency. But what ARE you really? Are you more like a fingernail or more like a bone? Are you alive? Do you start small and then grow bigger and bigger until you need to be filed down so you don’t rupture your own brain, like a hamster’s tooth can? I know that hippies and date rapists wear you as a necklace—does that ever bother you? (By “that” I mean either the exploitation of your body for bad human fashion or the cultural connotations implicit in necklaces made of you.) Do you get cold? Do you get bored? How do your hinges work? That squishy stuff inside you—is that a part of you, or are you like its landlord? Or are you the apartment, the squishy stuff is the tenant, and Poseidon is the landlord? Do you just fucking hate seagulls? I do. One time I was at the beach and this seagull took a shit (did you know bird poop is also bird pee? You might not know about air things, seeing as you live underwater) and it landed on my face, and my “friend” was all, “Don’t try to wipe it off, just let it dry there and it’ll crumble off on its own.” So I walked around for hours with this bird shit on my eye, just waiting for it to dry. And guess what? It didn’t dry. It just got kind of sticky and then my eyelid was stuck shut with feces-glue—and when I pried it open, some of the feces fell in my bag. Then I got pinkeye and I had to wear an eye patch and everyone at school called me “That Bitch with the Eye Patch” (not totally sure it was related, but I’ll never live it down!). It’s okay—later that winter I got back at my “friend” by telling everyone about her abortion. Ha-ha! Come to think of it, that bird shit was probably made out of some digested mollusk that the seagull dug out of a seashell. Maybe you guys even knew each other! Maybe his name was Mike. Mike the Mollusk. Ha-ha. Rest in peace, Mike. Did I just totally bum you out? Hey, have you ever been to Atlantis? Do they have

Headline:

The Different Kinds of Bears That
There Are

Panda Bears

These dudes are vegan and come from China. There are only like three left. A lot of people think panda bears are the best, but I think panda
bears are boring and they have a bad attitude. Have you ever gone to look at a panda bear in a zoo? First of all, all they do is sit around NOT making baby pandas, even though baby pandas are pretty much the only redeeming export of panda society. Secondly, they don’t even care when their fur gets all yellow around their pee holes. Thirdly, see number two. Gross!

Grizzly Bears

This subspecies of brown bear (Ursus arctos horribilis) inhabits Alaska, western Canada, and parts of the northern continental United States. Grizzly bears are omnivorous, feeding on large mammals, fish such as salmon and trout, carrion, bark, tubers, grubs, blackberries, huckleberries, pic-a-nic baskets, and the sweet flesh of unsuspecting pleasure-seekers. Their conservation status is classified as of “Least Concern” because these bitches can’t STOP getting pregnant.

Polar Bears

Science fact: Polar bears are just grizzly bears that haven’t lost their virginity yet. After their first time, they turn a deep, slutty shade of brown.

Honey Bears

Not really a thing.

Chicago Bears

This elusive nocturnal subspecies of the American black bear (Ursus americanus) roams the streets of Chicago wearing a bowler hat, sunglasses, and a long coat. Its diet consists of deep-dish pizza and bugs.

Gummi Bears

A medieval race of subterranean gelatin-based ursine life forms with a severe congenital drinking problem. Entire culture is based on the manufacture and consumption of “Gummijuice.” Bear code for “watermelon-
flavored industrial solvent.” Extinct.

Bear Stearns

[TK SUBPRIME MORTGAGE JOKE. FIND SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT IS.]

Invisible Bears

In your apartment. Right now.

Headline:

Expose!!

Headline:

Brief Encounters with Famous
People

Fred Durst, Virgin Megastore, Los Angeles, 2002

My first celebrity sighting ever. He was shorter than me. He looked like Fred Durst. He was wearing a hat.

Sharon Stone, Los Angeles, 2003

Eating brunch at some horrible place on the westside. She was wearing clothes too expensive for me to understand.

Joel Schumacher, Heathrow Airport,
London, 2006-ish

He was standing in line to board a flight to Los Angeles. Flush with Bat-nipple cash, he would be flying first class. His lank gray hair caressed his shoulders. Puka-shell necklace, I think.

Patton Oswalt, M Bar, Los Angeles, 2004

Him: “Oh, I love Seattle! What’s the name of that movie theater—the one by the college?” Me: “Ummm, the Neptune?” Him: “No, that’s not the one.” Me: “Oh, that other one, right. I can’t remember what it’s called.” Him: “Me neither! Will you e-mail me the name of it if you remember?” Me: “Sure.”

Zooey Deschanel, Cafe Presse, Seattle, 2010

Very small, she was there with Ben Gibbard (regular sized) and two smallish older people who I believe were her parents. She ordered “olives.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy, O’Hare Airport, Chicago, 2007

He looked like a man who just lost his entire family in some sort of industrial deep-frying accident. He flew coach. It was depressing.

The Guy Who Played Mr. Katimski on My So-Called Life, flight to Los Angeles, the sky, 2004

He sat across the aisle from me. He had been in Seattle performing the lead role in William Saroyan’s The Time of Your Life at the Rep. I knew because my parents had seen it just a few nights before and declared it “good.” He helped an old lady with her bag. I didn’t talk to him.

Duff McKagan, City People’s Mercantile, Seattle, 2002

I was the cashier. He was buying deck stain. I don’t remember the specific shade.

Dabney Coleman, Dabney Coleman’s 100th birthday party, El Cid, Los Angeles, 2005

Thought he was Gerald McRaney the entire time. Almost asked him about The Neverending Story. His wife fell down.

The Guy Who Plays the Guy Who Turns Into a Dog on HBO’s True Blood, 12th and Madison, on the corner right by Pony, Seattle, 2008

He was using his human form. I didn’t talk to him.

Meg Ryan, the Viper Room, Los Angeles, 2003

Her mouth was wider than her face. I didn’t talk to it.

Kato Kaelin, Pinkberry, Koreatown, Los Angeles, 2007

Orange.

Headline:

My Dinner
with Andres

A Thought Experiment

A quiet, upscale New York restaurant at dusk. Andre Agassi sits alone at a small table, staring listlessly into the middle distance. His eyes are open, but they do not comprehend. Agassi is in another place, an internal world. In his hand, a folded newspaper. The door opens with a whirl of snow. Andre 3000 enters, wearing a hat made out of a living eagle.

3000: Cheerio, Andre! Why the long face?

AGASSI: Oh, hey, Andre. I don’t know. I was just sitting here thinking that we’re living in a fantasy world of our own making. You know?

3000: Negative. You using that newspaper?

AGASSI: I guess not. Why?

3000: I’m going to make it into a pair of gentleman’s bloomers for my footman’s livery.

AGASSI: I don’t think that’s an actual garment.

3000: Indeed! They are extremely comfortable and smell of ink and testes!

AGASSI: I like to be comfortable, too, Andre, but I’ve always said that comfort can lull you into a dangerous tranquility.

Suddenly, the restaurant’s door is torn off its hinges. A giant enters.

AGASSI: What the—

3000: Who the—

THE GIANT: Bonjour! Eet eez mee, Andre ze Giant! I am ‘ere to eat—how do you say?—un petit dîner avec mes collègues Andres!

3000: Mr. The Giant! So delighted you could join us.

THE GIANT: [Gesturing to Agassi] What eez wrong with zees guy?

AGASSI: It’s like I’m both guard and prisoner in a prison of my own making—

3000: Hey, Giant, do you like my toga? It’s actually an electric blanket dipped in lard and crushed-up lightbulbs.

AGASSI: IF YOU TWO COCKFUCKERS DON’T STOP FUCKING INTERRUPTING ME, I AM GOING TO HAVE ONE OF MY FUCKING TRADEMARK EXPLOSIVE TANTRUMS RIGHT HERE IN THIS IMAGINARY FUCKING RESTAURANT.

THE GIANT: Monsieur Agassi, I theenk you are confuzeeng your own characteur weeth Monsieur John McEnroe!

AGASSI: What’s the difference?

3000: You’re the one with the mullet who used to bang Brooke Shields; he’s the angry one from the cereal commercials.

AGASSI: Not anymore, I’m bald now!

EAGLE: SKREEEEE! SKREEEEEEEE-EEEEEE!

[All laugh.] recommended

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

49 replies on “Five Rough Drafts”

  1. 5 STUPID ARTICLES THAT DIDN’T WORK CRAMMED INTO ONE DON’T MAKE THEM SUCK ANY LESS. WHAT’S THE MATTER , DO TOO MUCH HEROIN THIS WEEK TO EVEN “PHONE ONE IN”?

  4. This is the front and center story for today?

    Just pathetic, c’mon Stranger, you’re better than this.

    Save the narcissistic hackery for the bottom of the page.

  5. Your Andre the Giant should be drunk, and asking the wine steward why they don’t sell vino by the barrel. Dude was THE world champion drinker.

  7. The bears one was kind of funny, but got lame real quick. I was kind of a fan of the andres. maybe you should go watch some movies and then tell us about them…

  13. As I sit here in the waning twilight on the slopes of Mauna Loa, I thank you for the humorous rantings the made it possible for me to spend a moment laughing before return to finishing my latest novel. Bravo!

  19. A few comments I tried to make but ultimately determined were a waste of time:

    Your writing gives me a heada

    Couldn’t you have fucked at least one famous per

    Such a gay site and a discussion of bears fai

    Your “friend” can now tell people about this aborti

  24. So Lindy West thinks she can get away with dissing pandas in the latest issue of The Stranger, does she? “A lot of people think panda bears are the best, but I think panda bears are boring and they have a bad attitude”? Bullshit, dude, bullshit! We, Rosemary’s Baby Pandas, do now hereby declare WAR ON LINDY WEST!

    http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/page…

  26. Look, I agree that it’s kinda cool and funny to do metaarticles about how much you suck at writing articles – but now that half the Stranger staff have used the trope recently (Brendan Kiley on how he couldn’t write a review for that book, Paul Constant about how he couldn’t find a title for that movie review, Dan Savage on how he’s giving bad advice cause he’s on drugs, etc.), maybe it’s time to drop this scene?

    To be fair, this was still better than that one about the popes.

  27. I thought this idea sounded stupid, but gave it a shot anyway, because of how deeply some of Ms. West’s writing has touched me.

    The bear part was funny, but honestly, I expect more from Ms. West.

  28. Frizzelle,

    Log onto Facebook and search for “Rosemary’s Baby Pandas.” Then you shall know the glory of our ruthlessly ironic ursine onslaught!

  32. Awesome except for the celebrity sightings one. But it does raise the question of whether pandas are actually bears or not. I tend to say “no.” Aren’t they more like cats?

  34. “It’s okay—later that winter I got back at my “friend” by telling everyone about her abortion. Ha-ha!”

    Ha-ah, right on. You sure showed her up! That was really mature of you to slander a friend because you are too stupid to wipe bird shit out of your eye, then passively blame her for your getting teased by other people. WTF.

    Your ignorance astounds me.If that other article bashing this one didn’t link to here, I never would had read that tripe. And FYI, after the seashell “story” I quit reading.

  36. THIS ONCE PROUD PAPER THAT I SWEAR I HAVE READ SINCE ITS INCEPTION HAS BECOME A CESSPOOL OF HUMOR, MOCKERY AND INFLAMMATORY REPORTING AND NO LONGER SUITS THE PROUD STANDARD OF “THE STRANGER”

  37. Dear Lindy:

    So many comments are from people who either hate you, or pretend to love you. They may be pretending to hate you as well, but only they are not so sure. But I am sure. They do not understand the REAL Lindy West, the woman who has given so much to Seattle to be the woman she is today. They wish only to tell their friends, “Yes, that is Lindy West passed out on my couch. I know her well. She is MY friend. I am HER friend.” They lie! They lie so that they may bask in the heat of your flame! Hear me Lindy, I will never denounce you to Justice Skarhed! I say to the world, “I am HER friend!”

  38. i dug that article; I thought it was funny and clever, and had a good concept, too. And do you ever notice how some people always comment negatively on stranger articles, but keep on reading anyway??

  39. I thought it was great. Really.

    Just something weird: I have an unnaturally strong crush on Bill Nye. Sorry to hear he (somehow) didn’t look right at an airport.

  42. Pardon my ignorance, but it would seem to me that Lindy West is either:
    a) a foul-mouthed eleven year old girl
    or
    b) mentally retarded
    I’m stumped…

  44. Ah! So THAT’S what you do with your unpublished rough drafts–publish them! I love it.

    Very funny stuff. Favorites were seashells and grizzlies.

  45. I’m glad this nonsense wasn’t printed. Everyone knows that apartment bears aren’t invisible… they’re just very, very stealthy.

  46. @43: That’s not weird. He was one of my Future Husbands in middle school. Rose Last name-name of crush-Nye-Duchovny. My nerdery knew no bounds.

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