Today I woke up on an airplane as it touched down in Miami. A nice man drove me someplace else in Florida somewhere. My hotel is next to a highway and my room has a view of a parking lot. There are no sidewalks here but I went for a walk anyway and found may to a mostly boarded up shopping mall. It was very depressing. The stores that weren’t boarded up—a couple of laser-hair-removal salons, a big-and-tall store for men, a Pita Pit—were deserted.
Except for the Barnes & Noble—the mall’s bookstore, somehow, was packed. That lifted my spirits.
All of the discounted books on the remainders table were about faith—Christian affirmations for Christian moms, Christian soup for Christian teens’ Christian souls, Christian parables for Christian businessmen—but there was one book on the remainders table about atheism. There are lots of pictures, and it was pro-atheism, and it looked pretty interesting, so I bought a copy for $4.95. (You can get a new copy of the same book at Amazon for $10.22.) Purchasing this book—soupy affirmations for the atheist sex-advice columnist’s non-existent soul—makes me no different than a Christian mom who leaves the bookstore with a book of Christian affirmations for Christian moms but, like, whatever. Did I mention that it has lots of pictures?
Then I walked to a pharmacy to buy some shaving cream because I look like a bum and I have to get ready to give a talk. I had to stare at this for ten minutes while I waited in line with a selection of Floridian clichés—senior citizen in track suit, senior citizen in motorized cart, senior citizen in cardiac arrest—and all I could think was…
…just your life?
“..senior citizen in cariac arrest” I laughed at that part.
Very nice, Dan! You should publish your diary in the “chicken soup for the atheist sex-columnist-reader’s soul” format. It would be a huge hit.
I’m trying to work out what sort of pictures would be in a chicken soup for atheists’ souls (wait, what?) book…
Gawd, I hate Miami.
Yes, very sad and depressing FOR THAT BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL IN YOUR ARMS, but not for you you dumb twit.
Wait, what kind of pictures were in the book?
Florida, Christian discount books, Ryan Reynolds rebounding. Depressing! Where is my chicken soup?
Being in the Miami area, those laser hair removals were for men, too.
They like ’em hairless down there.
I love Miami. But I’ve mostly only hung out in the fun parts.
How great to see a national rag using celebrity to highlight how terrible teen momhood can be – that the grabber cover quote underscores this teen mom’s immaturity, so much the better. I remember during the whole Bristol thing how we regretted her and her mom making teen motherhood sound so peachy keen. Grateful to see the counterpoint’s coming through now.
Break a leg tonight, be it shaven or no…
Having spent a lot of time all over Florida, the only parts I ever found worthwhile were the beaches of Pensacola (now befouled with oil) and Key West. The rest can suck it.
Julian Baggini has written a couple interesting books on philosophy as well as your atheism book.
IIRC, Miami or Florida is basically foreclosure capitol of the nation. So yeah, boarded up malls. Not that I’ve ever really liked commercial strip malls, but boarded up ones are just sad.
There is nothing good about Florida.
The best advice Dan can give to the people living there is to leave that hellhole and never look back.
Did you ever read The Lost Continent by Bill Bryson? He has similar non-walkability issues where he travels.
A true book on Atheism would have pictures of absolutely nothing ‘cuz that’s all there is.
@15, David Byrne reports on his blog about his travails trying to find places to ride his bike in many of those same places.
This is the real America. Partly-boarded-up strip malls, highways, remaindered Jesus books, unwed mothers selling their story to gossip magazines.
@9: As a parent, I can vouch that *motherhood* is far from peachy keen. Nevermind being a single teenager who is in the throes of the realization that the best years of their life are now lost to them.
49 out of 50 states have snow right now. What’s the one state holding us back from perfection? Florida! That state always finds a way to ruin everything. Even Hawaii chipped in. Stop being a dick, Florida.
Being from Palm Beach County, I can tell you your description of South Florida is dead-on. (Orlando is even worse in the walkability department, though.)
*Cardiac – hate to correct people, but I couldn’t help it. If you said pseudohermaphroditism or salpingohystero-oophorectomy, I hope that I would be more lenient. Alas….
Preach Dan, preach!
@22 Wouldn’t most doctors just call that second one a complete hysterectomy (or ovario-hysterectomy), anyway? Maybe somewhat less precise a term, but it’s not like they’d take your uterus and your ovaries and leave the tubes.
….
*hangs head in nerdy, nerdy shame*
Also, I’d like to take a moment to say that if this were the summer of 2008, Dan’s trip to Miami would likely have included spotting the guy whose torso appears in my avatar, who is now my husband (and who, while in Miami, generally spent most of his time no more clothed than you see here). So Dan, you missed out on what was possibly the one redeeming factor of the city.
Adoption. It’s a wonderfull thing.
Hey Dan!
Speaking of shaving cream, have you read this story by Sean Bonner not using soap (except on his hands) or shampoo for over a year? He says it’s great and highly recommends it:
http://www.boingboing.net/2011/01/05/i-h…
I can’t wait til that girl grows up and sees a copy of that mag cover.
@18 the best years of your life were your teenage years? Early 20s? I sorely pity you.
The People magazine to the left has Valerie Bertinelli on the cover, looking scarily like Teen Mom Amber.
http://www.realstylenetwork.com/index.ph…
“I went for a walk anyway and found may to a mostly boarded up shopping mall.”
if you say so.
illiterate asshole.
Atheism……
You know,
THE ARIZONA KILLER IS AN ATHEISTS…..
You’re a grown man, Dan. Not a college kid, not a grounded teenager.
If you knew how to fucking drive a car, you wouldn’t have these kinds of problems.