You found “the one who got away” on Facebook. I trusted you to be sane about it. You started buying her things and spending time with her, helping her with her innumerable crises, leading up to the day you told me, “I love her.”
Why would you throw away 20 years of a happy, strong relationship and a solid life together for a bullshit fantasy? She has not been there for 20 years to take care of you, to listen to you, to understand you, to share VOWS with you, and to accept you AS YOU ARE and not as some savior. She is not real. What you have with her is not real. It is fantasy and it is poison for everyone involved. The smartest thing you could do would be to cut off contact, but you say no—”It hurts too much.”
You won’t even commit to us trying to stay together, just to “figuring out what you want.” I feel like you are only hoping that you come out of this at the other end with permission to be with her, and that I will be okay with that and let you go off to be happy.
I am not going to let you do this to us. I am being as understanding as I can, but I cannot sit by and allow you to tear our lives apart. You need someone to stop being understanding and tell you to stop what you are doing before you ruin the lives of at least three people.
STOP IT.
—Anonymous
I miss when I, Anonymous was about guilty confessions. This is the kind of screed that shouldn’t be delivered anonymously in public, but directly to the subject in private.
You’re not gonna listen, because you’re not ready (I was in the same spot 8 years ago). But try. Be willing to go through some pain to do what you need to do. What I know now:
1)You’re right, it’s a fantasy that won’t last. Doesn’t matter. He’s still gonna go after her now because he’s a self-serving a-hole.
2)He’s a piece of shit and WILL screw you over to get what he wants, which is to feel good. He’s a child. He doesn’t deserve you. The twenty years means nothing. Do you really want 20 more years with someone who would do this to you? There are better men. You’ll find one. Or more.
3) The minute you tell him to get the fuck out and stay the fuck out, you are going to feel so much better. YOU take control. YOU kick HIM out. YOU get your power back. He’s leaving anyway, he just wants “time to figure out what he wants” to take advantage of your desperation (and it gives him time to fuck with your finances, BTW. Get a lawyer, file, and freeze your assets before he closes accounts and gives it to his dad to hold… now). Making him leave NOW will scare the shit out of him, show him you’re not going to take his bullshit anymore, and will ruin the fantasy relationship (and that’s gotta feel good, right?).
4) When you are rid of this asshole, you will have a wonderful life. I am. (BTW, the fantasy lasted 6 weeks. He’s now womanless and pathetic, and I am having great sex with a lovely man-no marriage cuz I’m done with that). But it never woulda happened if I hadn’t mustered the balls to DTMFA.
One more thing… file for divorce and freeze the assets BEFORE you kick him out. He’s expecting you to be too distracted and heartbroken to do anything like that before he does. Don’t be. Do it for the kid.
After ten years of marriage and a beautiful, smart 3-year-old daughter (aren’t they all, though?), my wife ran off with the neighbor who also had a wife and a 3-year-old son…he also served in the same military service.
It sucked horribly.
The “man’s” family promptly left him, so he was free to pursue my wife with all the lust and gusto he had…further interrupting our attempts to patch things up. He ridiculed me…terrorized me…stalked and haunted me. He was determined to take out on me the insecurities he had about his relationship with my soon-to-be ex-wife.
I told him in an email: “Do what you will. But no matter what…my daughter is still mine and she will always remember ME…and with [my wife] you will never, ever defeat the memory of me. So go on and try to make the most of it. You are only temporary.”
I gave my wife an ultimatum about the custody of our daughter. I had put up with enough abuse and humiliation from her live-in lover. I could not accept my daughter growing up with that man/monster that my wife thought was her savior, so I fought my wife for custody. The ultimatum was…give me full custody of our daughter and I will believe that you are serious about making it work and I will do everything possible to make our marriage work.
One day she knocked on the door…and that was the beginning. We worked HARD for four years to push past it. And we finally did…and it is amazing.
Take the advice about protecting yourself…it’s smart. I did, too. When my wife came back, the divorce was not far away. But during the years of our reunion she expressed such regret…and so did I for my own mistakes…that we managed to make it through.
I can’t guarantee it, but it can still happen for you. Obviously the love you have is very strong. Hold on to hope for a little while longer, but still be real about it…still be ready to cut the ties and start living your life again.
My heart goes out to you….good luck.
He’s already left you. You can take any angle you choose, from Understanding Wife Contemplating Open Marriage to Raving, Vindictive Bitch, but it will only prolong the inevitable. Therapy won’t help, time won’t help, and understanding won’t help. At the end of whatever stretch of time, you’ll have died a little more each time he screws around, you’ll have become an obsessed parody of a bad detective novel, and you’ll still be alone. Leave now while you still have a modicum of pride left. (and before he brings you all those lovely STD’s that are an inevitable part of this kind of betrayal.)
Been there, done that – twice with the same loving asshole.
He’s already left you. You can take any angle you choose, from Understanding Wife Contemplating Open Marriage to Raving, Vindictive Bitch, but it will only prolong the inevitable. Therapy won’t help, time won’t help, and understanding won’t help. At the end of whatever stretch of time, you’ll have died a little more each time he screws around, you’ll have become an obsessed parody of a bad detective novel, and you’ll still be alone. Leave now while you still have a modicum of pride left. (and before he brings you all those lovely STD’s that are an inevitable part of this kind of betrayal.)
Been there, done that – twice with the same loving asshole.
@59
I don’t understand this. Did she give you full custody so she could work it out with him or you?
“The ultimatum was…give me full custody of our daughter and I will believe that you are serious about making it work and I will do everything possible to make our marriage work.
So I take it that a 3-way is out of the question?
Pffffff….. Commitment is like an asshole, everyones got one. Then 20 years later you shit on a plate and serve it to whoever uses ‘DTMFA’ the most times.
BAM!
I quit Facebook because it’s a mirror and it showed me every day what an ugly, terrible person I am. That’s not news I can use.
Nice that this guy can utilize FB to scope out some fine trim and make his move.
Any chance you got fat?
What does DTMFA mean?
@Antropomorphise me: Wow! You posted an ENTIRE Michael McDonald song. I am both impressed and afraid. Very afraid.
@67: http://tinyurl.com/y4sv5ga
Ugh, YOU’RE the one who needs to stop living a fantasy. He’s already shown you he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your caring, acceptance, love or vows. If he did he wouldn’t be throwing it all away for a Facebook fling. You’re being TOO understanding – actually, a goddamn doormat – moping around begging him to stay while he “figures out what he wants” (Bullshit-ese for “strings you both along while he gets exactly what he wants”).
Make the poor baby’s oh-so-hard decision easier by giving him an ultimatum. He cuts off all contact with her, forever, and deletes his Facebook -OR- you’re outta there, forever. And follow through. I feel bad for you, but you sound pathetic whining about commitment while refusing to admit you accidentally married a weak asshole who IS NOW IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. People do worse all the time – they accidentally marry white-collar criminals, pedophiles, closeted dope fiends and serial killers. Admit you’ve been had and cut your losses – it’s the only way to salvage what little dignity you have left.
@64: A+++
It always amazes me how easy it is for others to judge a relationship from the outside. I cannot judge you or him. Everyone who has been in a long term committed relationship and has reached this point knows it is complicated emotionally as well as practically. The only certainty here is that the relationship you thought you had is now forever changed. Whatever happens after this point (he leaves, you leave, he stays, you and he waffle, cringe and wring your hands endlessly, whatever) that old relationship is already dead. What is past is past, both his recent actions and the prior 20 years. You need to decide if you want to commit to an entirely new, future relationship with this man and what you want that relationship to be. I suspect it will likely not be what you want despite what you may be holding onto emotionally, but it’s your call. But you do need to make a call soon (see ‘HRH”, #48 above).
Oh you crazy monogamous kids!
he wants to have his cake and eat it too. whether he does that or not is entirely in YOUR hands.
dont spoil him.
Do not be the architect of your own demise.
#66
Any chance YOU’ll grow a soul?
What the hell kind of comment was that?
(or…are YOU the guy she’s writing about?)
I agree 100% with HRH: protect yourself. I had to DTMFA after 30 years, and I am SO glad I did. You will be too. And the post-divorce sex will be ever so much better, I promise.
He’s a piece of crap who will dump the new one when the fantasy wears off and then pursue you again ten years’ later for being the one he truly loved (he’d say).
DTMFA without doubt.