I’m a first-time writer, and have been catching up on your archived letters but haven’t found one that answers my question.

Not much background is needed here. I’m a 20-year-old in a relationship with a slightly older guy (25). This is the first relationship for both of us where we’ve been able to open about our desires and fantasies and so far our sex life is fantastic.

Here’s my question: we’ve recently started pegging, and doing a little ass play when I blow him. He says he enjoys this and it appears that way too. But is his inability to ejaculate from pegging similar to the way some women don’t climax during vaginal intercourse? I’ve only been able to achieve orgasm with him so I know what it’s like to have sex without a grand finale. Is this the same way with pegging or am I doing it wrong? Any tips would be great, I don’t want my guy to be missing out.

GGG

P.S. Love the app!

My response after the jump…

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Um…

Just as most women require additional, direct, and focused clitoral stimulation during vaginal intercourse in order to climax, GGG, most men require additional, direct, and focused penile stimulation when they’re being fucked/pegged in order to climax.

In other words: tell the boyfriend to jerk himself while you peg him, GGG, and your problem will be solved.

Lots of young and inexperienced people go into their first big-time sexual relationships laboring under the misconception that big-time sex means never having to touch yourself during sex. Wrong. Women who know what they’re doing often touch themselves during sex; men who know what they’re doing often touch themselves during sex too. And people who know what they’re doing aren’t threatened when their partners touch themselves during sex.

65 replies on “SL Letter of the Day: Look, Dan, No Hands!”

  1. If you come from PIV you’re coming from clit stim anyhow. Look at an anatomy book sometime. Now if you could only come from anal with no clit stim and were a girl – that I would be impressed by. You could give lessons. People would pay to learn that skill.

  2. @40 – used to. Prob just very sensitive clit. Don’t like/need external clit stim either during PIV. But like it with a guy who is good at it (not during PIV, you are right, way too distracting, and with the cutoff point too, after that not interested at all). And like it on my own, now. But yeah, absolutely until I learned and got better at it, exactly what you describe. Problem is, unless your sex drive is absolutely unendurably out of control and you have no outlet other than yourself, you’re not going to put in the time to learn how to get yourself off right, because it’s an exercise in despair, frustration and pain until you figure it out. I recommend dating a mechanic, sculptor, pianist, anyone really really good with their hands. They’ll figure it out for you if you can’t. Very much worth it. And then you can graduate to vibes. Holy shit.

  4. @52 – P.S. start gentle. Really really gentle. Never direct on clit contact. Try just playing with your mons. You can feel your clit running over it, under the skin. Stay off direct touch on that too. Gentle, indirect. And be very very very much in need of getting off. Slooooowwww warm up, maybe later you can do more, but gentle gentle.

  5. @51 I know, but I don’t know of anyone who comes from that alone, as a girl – do you?

    @ everyone bitchy – it is obvious we’re talking to straight girls right? No bi girl or lesbian would say anything that dumb.

    @47 – Or sleep with a girl. Many times. Problem solved!

  6. @47 – if you don’t like oral, that may be why too. You have to be really warmed up to get to the point where you can stand it. But then it is very very good. Start with hands. Once you learn how to handle that, and get used to it, warmup times will get shorter and shorter. Also assuming you are fucking someone who really knows how to touch/lick you.

  9. @gnot I do know that all orgasms are clitoral, but culturally we talk about the clitoris as the external part of the clitoris. And actually, many anatomy books don’t show anything but the external parts. Sleeping with a girl is out, because I have absolutely zero interest in women, and I’m in a long term monog (not my idea, but he’s wonderful, so I deal) relationship. The other stuff is probably good advice, but it’s too annoying and frustrating to bother with when I have a boyfriend around to take care of it for me 🙂

  10. @59, sorry, wasn’t trying to yell at you, just the troll. And yeah, it’s easy to just go with what works. Someday you’ll have a dry spell, and get around to figuring it out. And it will be great. Especially the oral. Still recommend fucking someone with really good hands at some point though, on general principle. And congrats on the unintentional LTR!

    @58 – for the sake of humanity, we should find one and learn her ways or force her to write an informational pamphlet. And thanks!

  13. I spent the first 10 years of my sex life not being able to get off without touching myself or using a vibe. Getting to a point recently where I can come from just intercourse, or oral, or someone else touching me was – I don’t want to say life-changing, but whatever, life-changing. Sex is so much better now. The guy who was able to a) realize that the barriers were psychological, not physical and b) get past them has my eternal gratitude. I’m sure there’s a variety of experiences when it comes to this. But for me, no longer having to use my fingers or a vibe is so good and I wish I’d gotten there a decade earlier.

  14. @60: I don’t think there’s a secret: it’s just being wired the right way and finding the right angle and the right size penis/object to insert. Oh, and finger penetration for 15 minutes before anything larger, of course.

  15. @61 – that’s exactly what I thought of too! How to you get to adulthood without even having seen that?

    It is funny how culturally you are expected to give a guy a reach around but not so much a girl…

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