Straight guys? I’ve had a few. The first was in high school. The kitchen at his house was stocked with Kudos and Hot Pockets and Tombstones and Lucky Charms, and the TV room had a wall unit with a giant pullout drawer of blankets that I used to fantasize about crawling into with him. When he showered, I stood on the other side of the door wishing I could see through it. We didn’t have Kudos or Hot Pockets or Tombstones or Lucky Charms or cable TV at my house, but we did have my older brother’s porn collection, two Playboys and a Penthouse, and somehow in a blur of shorthand and a feat of acting (I pretended it would be no big thing, just two straight guys getting off), we agreed to beat off next to each other, no touching. We did it a dozen times. He would look at whatever magazine he was holding, and I would pretend to be looking at whatever one I was holding, when, in fact, I was looking at him.
Then his mother got custody of him and he was whisked out of my world. His removal had a romantic sadness that I couldn’t explain to anyone, that obviously he didn’t know about, either. Or maybe he did—maybe he could sense my attraction and was relieved at the excuse to disappear. I was thrown into a torrent of second-guessing: Was he on to me or wasn’t he? Had he wanted me to go further or had he wanted me to stop looking at him? Would he embrace me if he knew the truth or would he kick my ass? Because I grew up in suburban Los Angeles, I basically grew up in a car, and every love song on the radio became somehow about us. Hours and hours of traffic would go by while I thought about what I’d done wrong and what I could do to win him back, while Mom, newly divorced and openly devastated in the driver’s seat, thought about what she’d done wrong with Dad and what she could do to get him back.
In my 20s, after my first long-term relationship fell apart, I started dating another straight guy. It lasted for years, although I think if you asked him, he’d say it lasted two and a half weeks, since that was the length of time we were officially getting naked together. We met through a mutual friend, his college girlfriend, and hit the sheets right away—she encouraged it, she wanted him to explore this side of himself. Two and a half weeks later, he decided to sleep at her house instead of mine, and he’s been dating girls ever since. It would be nice to say that I moved on, but I was hooked on him. We took trips together, we shared music together, we experimented with psychedelics together, we cuddled now and again, and occasionally he would confess to wanting to have sex but then would get very anxious and drunk and pass out first. Sometimes he indicated that his reluctance was religious, sometimes he indicated that his reluctance was circumstantial (he would totally be up for it except for this or that), but mostly he didn’t want to talk about it.
How could I be so stupid? Why would I invert and conceal my own desires like that? I guess I could blame my parents—negating your true desires comes pretty easy when you were raised to do so—but that seems too convenient, especially considering all the shallow thrills involved with being with a straight guy: Straight guys are adorably nervous, you get to be in on a big secret, you get to brag to gay friends that you slept with a straight guy. Abstractly, you feel like you’re conquering that which you were most frightened of in high school (the straight guy), but the truth is, you’re just setting yourself up to be conquered by him in a whole new way, defeated by his inevitable disinterest. Sexuality being a spectrum, almost every guy is a little bit interested in guys, and making too much of that—assuming a little experimentation is more than just a little experimentation—puts you in the path of embarrassment and rejection.
That straight guy eventually embarrassed and rejected me. I made up for it with legitimate boyfriends, most of whom could be described as “straight-acting,” in the popular repressive lexicon. I began to convince myself that “straight-acting” gay guys were the only gay guys I could be attracted to—which led to lots of dates with gay jocks (zzzzzzz). And I continued to mess around with straight guys, some of whom were secretly bisexual. (If this is you, read this.) One of my annoying habits of speech is to say “gaylord” a lot—it was interchangeable with “faggot” when I was growing up—as an ironic appropriation of the language that used to torment me. Like I’ll say, “Don’t be such a gaylord” or “Nice hat, gaylord.” Doing it around straight guys often provoked an eerie response, almost like it turned them on. Or maybe it’s simply that seeing a gay guy not being uptight about his gayness can encourage a straight guy to not be uptight about his straightness.
Telling a straight guy I’m attracted to guys, not gay dudes, sometimes provokes them into saying they’re occasionally attracted to guys, too, just not the stereotypical gay ones, and sometimes they’ll go on to say that they trust me and would mess around with me—and then I’m back on that path to unhappiness again. There was this one musician who loved to lean over and make out at the Cha Cha, so long as his girlfriend wasn’t looking. There was a bi guy who worked as a window washer on downtown skyscrapers and was always trying to convince me to go down on a girl with him sometime. There was a BMX racer who once hinted he wasn’t 100 percent straight, when we were out drinking after he’d broken up with a girlfriend; he invited himself over, invited himself into bed, and said the whole time, “This might be my only gay experience ever, I can’t believe I’m doing this.” Once out of the blue a handsome straight guy I barely knew asked me if I wanted to hear something he’d never told anyone, and then confessed in detail about experimenting with another guy.
I used to be proud of all these experiences, used to think I was special or something, that the normal rules didn’t apply to me, but rules always have their way in the end: Straight guys want to be with girls. Bisexual guys who seem straight usually want to continue to seem straight. I’ve always fought the accusation that being into “straight-acting” guys means I’m self-hating, means I’m slightly homophobic, but desiring something you will never have (and in many ways, desiring something you will never have is easier than desiring what’s possible) is definitely self-hating. It’s not worth it. Resist the urge to self-mythologize, to decide in advance that you have a “type.” I recently met a gay guy who’s smaller than me, more effeminate than me, really into fashion and shopping—the very picture of the sort of guy I always thought I wouldn’t go for—and now we live together. I’ve never been happier. 
I thought I was tired of this topic, but the writing on this is superb. A high quality memoir that happens to make a good point. Thanks!
Thank you for this. I feel like one of those bi guys who wants to experiment and it’s nice to hear the other side, from someone who represents the person I would want to experiment with. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I just hate feeling like I missed something, and being with a girl, I can’t know what that thing is unless I try. I’ll definitely consider other’s feelings more, now, and be really upfront with whoever I meet.
Thanks for layin’ the guts out on the table. In my experience, the cult of the str8 (let’s not forget the 8) acting is the agent of a second wave of (internal) gay repression. It led to many attempts on my part to repress my feminine side. Lately I’ve been so bored by str8 looking relationships, including str8 looking gay relationships, that it’s incomprehensible to me why anyone would consciously choose such a banal, Betty Crocker, rigidly gender driven life. Isn’t the point of the sexual revolution (ancient history that it now is) to open up the question of gender? It sucks that in most of our cases magazines beat us to the punch and made up what we thought was sexy for us, but that’s how the industry works. Thanks for confirming that we might not always be haunted by what we think we want.
I think “straight guys” who fool around or sleep with gay guys aren’t actually straight, but either closeted gay guys or closeted bi guys.
UH, why the M’s cap. I think M’s fans come in all varieties. Really? That’s the Starnger’s symbol of “straight?” An M’s cap. Lame.
Bill, what simple illustration would you suggest to represent a straight guy? I’m curious.
I gots no idea, but why a Mariners cap?
“it’s incomprehensible to me why anyone would consciously choose such a banal, Betty Crocker, rigidly gender driven life”
It’s always refreshing to see that gay people can be assholes, too.
I’m glad to see that someone from the cult of straight guys/straight acting guys not only find happiness but with a gay-acting guy no less. I’d like to shove this article in the face of zillions of fellow gays I’ve had to defend myself against as a gay guy who likes gay-acting guys.
Even though I have no attraction to women (believe me, I tried so hard to as a teenager) I’ve had gay guys tell me I mustn’t really be gay because I prefer softer, more androgynous, and more feminine acting guys to the ever-adored big butch football jock. And so many gay guys act like there is something wrong with you in general if you like guys who act more like the typical or stereotypical guy of the gay community rather than the typical or stereotypical straight guy. So, I’m a weirdo for being a gay guy who actually likes other guys like us rather than ones I can never have? How self hating of a reaction is that?
I started my life as a knowingly gay person in a stereotypically hateful and closeted midwestern middle and high school in the 80s and 90s. I started out my life only being attracted to straight acting people too… I think that was all I knew and when I got around gay-acting gays it was just too different at first to be attracted to. But it really grew on me.
And it makes sense for my personality. Why shoudl I worship at the alter of hunters, jocks, military personnel, SUV drivers, or whatever else the gay guy cult-of-the-straight-acting worships? I’m not interested in any of those things but am more interested in music, art, fashion, cuddly animals, and lots of other things that attract gay-acting and feminine people, so why change to become more attracted to superbutch straight acting people the way self-hating gay conformists and more-normal-than-thou gays demand?
@5 I think that’s because it has an “S” on it. As in, “S” for “Straight”. It probably could have been thought out a little better.
…um, You’re Doing It Wrong!
“Sexuality being a spectrum…” “hinted he wasn’t 100 percent straight” “closeted gay guys or closeted bi guys”…??? really?
Just have fun and be safe. Happy pride.
http://tinyurl.com/fivepmcruise
oh yeah, Go Mariners
it’s an M’s Logo cap, I believe, and the S stands for Seattle. I’m just wondering if this is a Stranger editorial comment about the lesbian kissing incident at the safe….
Bill, I asked because one of the most common thought of straight traits is liking sports. A baseball cap is something a straight (or a straight actin gay) sport lovin guy would wear all the time. Yes, fem gays might love baseball and the Ms but in the case of the article it works. It’s a good visual for comparing straight acting guys to fem acting guys (who like fashion, shopping.) The team doesn’t matter, we just live in Seattle. Does that make sense, unless I’m completely missing why you are butt hurt over the cartoon? Especially since you cant come up with a better symbol.
“you get to brag to gay friends that you slept with a straight guy.”
Brag? I can’t even bring myself to start on the nature of the “friendships” in question.
@ nuh_uh re: “asshole”ness : I’m sorry if u felt in some way judged, was just honestly expressing my reaction to something I don’t understand.
Actually never mind, I AM an asshole. fuck it. (pardon the pun, or don’t)
“I’ve always fought the accusation that being into “straight-acting” guys means I’m self-hating, means I’m slightly homophobic, but desiring something you will never have (and in many ways, desiring something you will never have is easier than desiring what’s possible) is definitely self-hating.”
Substitute “masculine” for “straight-acting” and you pretty much have the definition of what the ultimate gay guy is: a man who’s attracted to other men. There’s nothing self-hating about that unless you make it so.
You need to read Aristophanes’ speech on love in the Symposium.
“But they who are a section of the male follow the male, and while they are young, being slices of the original man, they have affection for men and embrace them, and these are the best of boys and youths, because they have the most manly nature.”
“[T]hey are valiant and manly, and have a manly countenance, and they embrace that which is like them. And these when they grow up become our statesmen, and these only, which is a great proof of the truth of what I am saying.”
The whole effeminate gay man thing is a cultural artifact. It says absolutely nothing whatsoever about sexual orientation. To Aristophanes, we were the most masculine, the most virile men out there, which only goes to show how different ancient Athenian culture was from our own.
“I think “straight guys” who fool around or sleep with gay guys aren’t actually straight, but either closeted gay guys or closeted bi guys. “
Maybe this article is parody? Otherwise the author is deeply deluded…
Eh, this was a share you should have kept to yourself. You’re not a good writer, and aren’t particularly bright. Not a “hater,” just honest.
Uh… @16
In general, I’d be wary of quoting Aristophanes as support for anything, because Aristophanes is pretty much always Smarter Than You. I went and read the speech, and I cannot for the life of me tell how much he was joking. The fact that they never executed him really demonstrates the level of culture that Athens reached.
Which is not to say that your point about effeminacy is wrong.
Straight guys don’t fuck men, except in prison, etc. I think it is called situational homosexuality. My sexuality is pegged to the straight end of this “spectrum” I keep hearing about. The idea of fucking a guy is about as ludicrous to me as the idea of fucking a car or a couch or something. In other words, there is zero interest. So to the author, all those “straight” guys you were fucking/cuddling, they simply weren’t straight.
Isn’t the point of the sexual revolution (ancient history that it now is) to open up the question of gender?
—————
Nope, it isn’t. The point was to allow people to have sex with who they want to, when they want to, and how they want to.
Great comment @21
something that stands out for me is you saying you were with this guy for years and he would say that it was just the two weeks you were banging.
He probably didn’t think he was with you even for those two weeks.
Why can’t straight guys have that one man who does it for them?
How many girls in college get drunk and have sex with each other, then go on to lead completely heterosexual lives? No one says that they’re closeted lesbians or bisexuals, they just call it “experimentation”.
A guy wants to have sex with a guy just to see what it’s like, and suddenly he’s not straight anymore. I don’t get it.
Here’s why you’ve been failing up till now:
-When you first meet a straight hottie, you immediately start trying to work out how to get him into bed.
-Instead of taking the time to build trust, and put him at ease with you, you barge right in like a dog in heat, and scare him off. Remember, the biggest barrier here is not you, it’s HIS mind.
-You fail to respect that he’s a person, and not just a piece of meat. Even if you have to fake it, respect is everything.
-Instead of aiming to find new friends, you go out looking for an easy lay. When you make sex a secondary consideration, you can get the lust, and that helps you to build relationships. Once you’ve done that, you will find that your attentions are welcomed, rather than greeted with suspicion.
So much brilliantly sincere, intelligent, and caring commentary. You’re making me miss Seattle a little bit more. Good job, Dan.
I had an interesting response as a straight woman when reading your editorial and that was basically “yeah, I have had this happen to me, too.” My point is that alot of men are difficult to connect with and when you are physically and mentally attracted to men, you find often find that their limits get in the way long before yours do. I don’t think it is self-hating to be attracted to straight men, I think it is challenging because straight men have alot of sexual power at their disposal and it is often difficult for them to manage it in a way that is anything but hurtful to others. If you are sexually attracted to a certain type of person, it is difficult to deal with the fact that they may not be in a huge supply for you. I think that is the real essence of the problem.
This article is stupid. Actual straight/hetero guys don’t have sex with other men, and don’t seek out male sexual partners to beat off with or have other types of sex with. We’re not talking about prison here or forced illegal sex either.
I agree with the other commentators that any guy who claims that he’s ‘straight’ yet wants to have or has sex with men is either bisexual or gay but in denial or even closeted about his sexuality.
It’s rather tiresome hearing about how gay men practically worship straight men and some of my gay male friends have told me how their number 1 sex fantasy is to actually have sex with a real staight/hetero guy.
The only queers who actually do have sex with straight people are bisexual men who have sex with straight women, or bisexual women who have sex with straight men.