Dan converses with a former rent boy, and you get to listen in.
Should a man with a jealousy problem date his neighbor who happens to be a stripper? 
Gather round, listeners, and hear the spooky tale of the lover who still carries a torch for his dead mother.
And other oddities.
206-201-2720
 
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18 replies on “Savage Love Episode 267”

  1. Another common condom-use-failure is not leaving space (or enough space) at the tip for semen, and some people use more than one condom, which causes breaking. Also, sufficient lubrication minimizes the chance of breaking , and condom-incompatible lubricants can cause breaking. This stuff probably seems obvious if you already know it, but keep in mind that many people get abstinence-only sex ed in school, and no sex ed or inaccurate sex ed outside of school (from friends, family, TV, etc.), so they don’t even know that these are potential issues.

  3. Not in front of the kids I get, but not in front of the dog? Why not? It’s a dog; it would have no compunction about having sex in front of *you* if opportunity presented. Not like it’s going to go barking it all over the neighborhood or need dog therapy for having caught its master having sex. (My husband and I once had sex on the floor in full view of my grandmother’s Shi Tzus.)

  4. Tsk Tsk, Dan. Even in a committed relationship, consent is not implied – it still needs to be give. My husband has no right to my body just because we are married. If I am not awake and aware enough to give consent, he shouldn’t be touching me sexually if it isn’t something I’ve previously okayed. Same goes for him. It is one of those things that should come up in the boundaries-setting discussions that all sexual partners should have.

    Marital rape is illegal. The presence of a long-term relationship does not give someone the right to take advantage of their sleeping partner UNLESS it has been discussed and okayed previously.

  5. Regarding the guy admonishing your recommendation to use emergency contraception (for those who are extra paranoid about pregnancy). I’m a female who has used the morning after pill without the disastrous results he outlined. Just because one person had a bed experience doesn’t mean everyone does!

  6. @4: I get your impulse here; really I do. But perhaps the problem is the term “implied consent.” That, to some ears, may sound like “implied consent for sex whenever the other person wants it.” But Dan’s example is clearly more along the lines of “implied consent to make a move.” And that is perfectly reasonable in an LTR, it seems to me. If a long-term boyfriend of mine grabs my ass, it’s fine even if he doesn’t ask first. If I tell him to knock it off, he should, of course. Same goes with sex. Each person has a right to make a move (again, these people are in a relationship) to initiate sex, even physically. If the other person says no, the initiator should stop, but the move itself is not assault or anything like it.

    As for making a move when the GF is sleeping, well, presumably she wakes up pretty quickly, right? At that point, she can go with it or say no. I can’t imagine this guy is having sex with her and she never wakes up. And if she doesn’t want him to wake her up for sex, talk to him later in the day and tell him that.

  7. I think Marc Maron has a bit about jerking off in front of his cats or not. Something about shooing them off the bed, then the horrible moment of “OK, guys. Back on the bed. Daddy’s done.” I can’t remember whether he shooed and hated himself for saying that, or didn’t shoo because he couldn’t stand the thought of saying it.

    And the lesbian at the Philadelphia suburban college? If you’re not getting pussy, it’s because you’re not trying. At all.
    Shit. It’s been a while, but all the STRAIGHT women I knew in the Philly suburbs who lived within a 10-mile radius of “a predominantly female college” were up to their eyeballs in pussy. And they weren’t trying. So make some slight effort. Anything.
    Or maybe try socializing at colleges that start with letters near the beginning of the alphabet, and have names that are more, oh, I don’t know, Welsh.

  8. Can anyone help?

    What was the name of the youtube clip of the woman (comedian?) explaining how she screwed up her “sex talk” with her daughter. I watched it and loved it but neglected to bookmark it.

    short of listening to all the old podcasts, I can’t seem to find it.

  14. @6 — very well put. “Implied consent” means consent for an initiating move, which doesn’t have to be verbal. It’s OK to grab a partner’s ass even without asking first, as long as the relationship is such that it is mutually understood between partners (in the sense: both of them would freely verbalize that yes, indeed this is so in our relationship, if need be) that this is a legitimate move.

    People have the right to define for themselves was is and is not OK between them. A relationship is not defined by laws from the outside, but by what those in the relationship feel is OK to do. I’m not supposed to behave in my relationship in the way that someone else — say, @4 above — thinks I should; I should behave in my relationship in the way that I and my partner feel is OK to behave.

    I think what @4 is afraid of is manipulation or “covert coertion” (‘you owe me sex, give it to me!’). This is indeed a problem, but the way to deal with it is not to conform to some external code of behavior: it is to keep communication channels open, and to take everybody’s desires and opinions seriously. If you don’t like me suddenly grabbing your ass, tell me so honestly and frankly (‘that’s not a good move to initiate sex with me!’), and I’ll stop. And if I don’t like the way you like to initiate sex with me, then I’ll tell you that — and I’ll expect you to stop, too.

    External codes of behavior are always sketchy and hypothetical; real-world situations are often too granular and specific to follow them strictly. They are good starting points; but if the relationship is worthwhile it will evolve its own dynamics that goes beyond, and to some extent will simply ignore, said external codes of behavior.

  15. @14: Precisely. And I would be willing to bet that @4’s heart is in the right place, but that s/he does not actually behave this way in a relationship (ie, asking permission for every touch before it’s initiated). It seems a bit willfully obtuse to me.

  16. Creepy story: Over 20 years ago I was an undergrad. I went to the dining hall and sat with a woman I sort of knew, D. She gave me an incredibly sultry look and said, “I want to have great sex this weekend and then kill myself.” I was at a loss as to how to respond to this statement. Eventually, I asked how she planned to kill herself. Barbiturates. The update is that a google/facebook search shows that she never actually killed herself. (And no, I did not have sex with her!)

  18. So just for the record, I’ve got to chime in about Lucy. Lucy haters? Haters?! I think you’re already spectacular solo, Dan, and the show works great as mostly monologue with dialogue from callers and the occasional guest. But I AM IN LOVE WITH LUCY! Smart, compassionate, funny, insightful, a great attitude about things sexual – and I think her voice is gorgeous. I’m in a monogamish relationship on the other side of the world right now, but Lucy makes me miss the USA. God Bless you, Dan Savage (and Lucy), you’ve made me a patriot! Yup, I think I have a podcrush (I think – hope – I just invented that word, because it’s so ridiculous it doesn’t belong in common usage). Anyway…maybe I’ll move back to New York and run into Lucy on the street someday….oh…wait a minute…sounding creepy now…I just mean, I think Lucy is great, haters be damned, and I know you can’t put callers in touch with other callers….but what about guests and commenters? Oh well – good luck to Lucy on her next project, and Dan, thanks as always for a consistently awesome show.

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