I honestly don’t know who I’m more pissed at, you or your friend.
When you met me, I had just come out of a shitty, borderline abusive relationship, and I thought you were a godsend. You gave me self-esteem for the first time in five years, and I am grateful for that, really. You even gave me the confidence to come to your “get-togethers.” And that’s when I met your friend.
The first time she flirted with me, I was kind of flattered. I told her straight off the bat that I wasn’t interested—I wasn’t really feeling up to dating anyone and I was straight anyway. She winked and said she could change that, which really should have been my first hint. Then you two teamed up against me, because “hooking up would do you good.” My wishes, my opinions, my mental well-being, my sexual orientation—who cares about those?
I thought you were still my friend, if slightly misguided, until last week. If my ex, or any other man, had enlisted a friend to get me drunk so I’d be willing to sleep with him, you’d have been the first to punch him in the face. But because it was a woman, you were not only okay with it, you were that friend tripling my drinks. It’s okay, though, because “lesbian sex will open my eyes to the fact that real sex doesn’t need a penis.” Apparently “real rape” does.
—Anonymous
This article has been updated since its original publication.
@22 & @51 are spot on!
LOL at @51; obvious troll is obvious. Nice work though. People took you seriously.
@53, are you retarded? Seriously, are you?
To those saying there’s “no proof” she was passed out or that you “don’t feel like she was raped” —
True, there’s no proof, and it’s a fine line between tipsy and shitfaced, but not only should a person not get involved with someone who might be too drunk to consent, these “friends” actively conspired to get her drunk enough to have sex with. They knew she wouldn’t have sex with a woman sober, so they knew they would have to obliterate her consciousness to the point where she couldn’t tell what was going on or coherently articulate her lack of consent.
How is that not rape?
@55: Are you twelve and pissed that it’s still another four years before you get to drive a car? Seriously, are you?
@55: How is agreeing with someone mean that I’m forever seeking approval?
Go back to your cave, Snorky. You’ve obviously learned your lack of sense from doofus! and his constipation.
@56 It’s not physically or ethically possible for a woman to rape anyone. That’s the glorious purview of men only. Try again.
@59 It’s not physically possible or ethical for me to respect you. That’s the glorious purview of avoiding cavemen like you.
Don’t try again.
I’m with 44! Worst anonymous ever!
I think people are overlooking the fact that her “friend” was mixing her drinks, and obviously mixing them a lot stronger than she would otherwise have expected. When someone says “no thank you, not interested”, and you purposefully get them wasted with the intention of letting your friend take advantage of them while they’re drunk, it’s something like date rape. Okay? There may not be a specific word invented to describe this sort of scenario, but it was premeditated and the essence of the act was violating. If there isn’t a case for this with police, there should be. And yeah, way to “open her eyes” and make a case for switching teams.
#62, if that’s the case, then I spent much of my early 20s being date raped as have many of my friends. And I’ve also date raped some dudes.
There’s no mention of force, there’s no mention of her having told her friends that she was not comfortable or wanted to stop. And while #56 feels anon’s consciousness was obliterated, the fact that anon states she “willingly” slept with the person indicates she was able to make a decision at the time. The definition of rape (date rape or otherwise) is non-consensual sex, and this person clearly states she consented.
I think it’s sad that I anon feels she can’t say this to her former friend’s face, (and to her former friend’s predatory sidekick).
She has every right to give them a piece of her mind. Whether we call it rape or not (seems to be somewhere on the border to me), it was not ok.
I really think I anon might want to be writing a couple of ‘fuck you’ letters.
Therapy too.
(I’m sorry this happened to you I anon. Really fucked. People who don’t listen and don’t respect boundaries are shit).
@17 – Actually, no, rape isn’t about ‘maintaning patriarchy and power’. It’s about someone – anyone, regardless of their sex – seizing power from another person by any means necessary in order to do to that person things that they would not otherwise consent to. And power can be as simple as having the capability and awareness to consent to whatever is presented to you.
Go back to reading your Dworkin, already.
“Am I the only one who read #17’s comment as obvious sarcasm, making fun of the common lesbian notion that all evils (particularly sexual ones) are perpetrated by the patriarchy and non-egalitarian power dynamics, which in turn would imply that lesbians are immune to committing wrongful acts? I took the meaning to be pointing out how glaringly wrong that idea is, not seriously suggesting that lesbians can’t rape people.”
Depends on what kind of ‘lesbians’ you’re referring to – lesbian aka separatist feminists are very well known for their ‘man-hater’ viewpoint (which usually ties in with the ‘all sex is rape’/’all penetrative sex is rape’ thing), but they also very commonly reject *everything* male or masculine, to the point of perpetrating ridiculousness like ‘womyn’, because they can’t stand the ‘man’ part of woman.
Myself, I’m a lesbian (as in: I do women not as in ‘I reject all things male’ – because as per the separatists, you *can* technically be a lesbian and not have what’s considered to be lesbian sex ;p – confused, yet?) but I’m also a sex-positive feminist, so you won’t see me pointing fingers at that invisible spectre of patriarchy. Do I think there’s inequality? Absolutely. Do I think EVERYTHING is the fault of that boogeyman patriarchy and ‘rape culture’? No.
Just thought I’d point that stuff out, so people can see there *is* a difference in the type of lesbian you’re dealing with. [The More You Know theme plays]
I’m a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. A few years ago, I got blind drunk when a new-to-my-group friend was mixing drinks at a party and pretty much doubled the alcohol content to the recipe – she was unaware that I had a very low tolerance for alcohol, but also didn’t tell me she tended to have a heavy hand with it when making cocktails. The drinks were very sweet and I had no idea how much alcohol I had consumed in just one drink. I was pretty trashed after just one – after 2 I couldn’t coherently tell you my name or address. Ya know what happened? My buddies (of both genders) laughed their asses off and tucked me in for a nap on the couch. That’s what’s supposed to happen when you get more than a little sloppy with your friends in the room. No one was thinking it would be a good time to fuck me because it would be “good for me” or conspiring with each other to get me to do something I wouldn’t normally do.
Was the IA writer raped? I don’t know what her physical state was, so I can’t answer to it in a legal sense. But there was a violation of any normal standard of friendship at the bare minimum.
@67 et al
My impression is not that the writer/victim was shitface drunk; but rather, drunk enough to make choices that she wouldn’t while sober. That’s run-of-the-mill drunk, and the drinker should be as responsible for their choices/decisions as they would be if they were, say, getting behind the wheel of a car (“the bartender poured heavy drinks” does not a successful DUI defense make).
Unless the victim was somehow restrained from saying no; or physically forced/intimidated by the use of force; then she has no one to blame but herself. If these friends are assholes, well, they’re just assholes; but not criminals.
@63, would you define a forceful action as being one where the victim was restrained by being bound and gagged into submission then raped? Using a drug to make an unwilling person comply (alcohol in this instance) is legally defined as a chemical restraint. Forcing sex on an unwilling victim while she’s chemically restrained makes this action a rape.
Were the friends also shatfaced drunk? perhaps they have a rape claim against IA as well.