My husband is a very kinky submissive man. When we were dating, I found out that he had been talking to multiple people online and that he had met up with a professional dom a couple of times. I felt betrayed that he had done this all behind my back, even though I had told him that I would be down with him seeing a dom. (I even offered to buy him a session for his birthday!)
We got through it, and now our sex life is amazing. I tie him up, I lock his dick up, I dress him up. All I ask in return is that he be honest with me about who he’s talking with online. Is that unreasonable? I know he chats with “women” online as a “woman,” and I’m okay with that so long as I’m made aware of it. But today I found pictures on his phone of his cock in the chastity device I keep him in. He tried to lie but he came clean: He was chatting with a woman, it came out that he was a man, and she wanted to see pictures of his cock in his chastity belt.
Why lie? Honest to God, if he would have just told me the day he sent the pictures that he sent someone pictures of his cock, I would be okay with it! I also found another e-mail account he never told me about that he’s using when he chats online as a woman. Again, no big deal! But I was under the impression that he used just this one chat program for chatting! Why hide it? My vanilla friends will be no help in this matter, and I feel pretty heartbroken. So I’m asking you.
He Isn’t Telling Me Everything
Before I can respond to your question, HITME, I’ve gotta sacrifice a goat to the snooping-is-always-wrong Gods, or the snooping-
is-always-wrong jihadists will cut my head off. It’ll just take a sec: Snooping is always wrong! You invaded your husband’s privacy! That was wrong! WRONG!
Moving on…
Your husband hit the jackpot when he met you, HITME. There aren’t a lot of women out there who would embrace—much less marry—a man with his particular collection of kinks. You’ve been GGG and all you’ve asked in return is… total transparency and the immediate, real-time disclosure of all outside flirtations and contacts as they happen. Why can’t the kinky ingrate honor this agreement? Only he knows the answer to that question, HITME, but I suspect one of two issues is at play…
Your husband may be ashamed—he may have been brutally shamed in past relationships—about the extent of his kinks and about just how much of his time and erotic energy his kinks consume. You may be completely sincere when you tell him you’re okay with everything, HITME, so long as there’s immediate and full disclosure. But he may fear that sharing the full extent of his online activities will leave you feeling either squicked out or threatened. So he downplays and minimizes, disclosing some but not all, because he doesn’t want to lose you. If this is the issue, impress upon your husband that hiding shit from you represents a bigger threat to his marriage than full disclosure ever could.
Or…
Having and keeping sexual secrets may turn your husband on, HITME, and having a secret life could be another one of his kinks. Even if this is the issue, HITME, I think you two should be able to come to mutually agreeable terms that accommodate both his desire to have a secret and your need for full disclosure.
Here’s a potential compromise: He doesn’t keep anything from you, HITME, but he doesn’t disclose in real time. So long as he’s not being unsafe or neglectful, so long as his online activities remain online-only, he can carry on flirting and texting and pic swapping. But every few months, you get to depose his submissive ass. You get to sit him down and ask him questions, and he answers all your questions truthfully and opens up about any current secrets that your questions didn’t uncover. This way, he can have all the erotic secrets he wants (he’ll just have to make new ones every few months), and you can have the transparency you need (you just won’t have it immediately). Good luck.
I’m a 29-year-old gay guy who’s not sure where to find what I’m looking for. I’m turned on by the idea of a dominant guy, but most of the guys I attract are pure vanilla. When I look online at the fetish-friendly dating sites, most of the dom guys say shit like “If you have a list of things you will and won’t do, you’re not a sub.” I want to give up control, but I don’t want to be some guy’s “bitch.” Can there be dominance without degradation? Is a boyfriend who’s an equal in life but in charge in the bedroom a unicorn? Where do I look?
Needs Include Controlling Empathy
The dominant boyfriend you’re looking for is out there somewhere, NICE, you just need to keep looking. And remember: Sometimes, dominant boyfriends are made, not born. By which I mean: Don’t rule out the vanilla boys you attract. A guy who likes you is gonna want to meet your needs, sexual and otherwise. If you give a vanilla boy a chance, and if you’re honest about what turns you on, you may find that you awaken something in one of those vanilla guys that was there all along—a little dominant streak—but would’ve lain dormant if it weren’t for you.
And you were right to run from those dominant tops who insisted that “true subs” don’t have preferences, limits, or lists, NICE. Not even submissive guys who are into degradation and being someone’s “bitch” should fall for—or submit to—that kind of crap.
Your question last week from the guy who “stumbled over” his brother’s femdom sex blog reminded me of a funny story: My little brother came out to my conservative-but-not-particularly-religious Jewish parents in 1995. It was rough. Our parents refused to help pay for my wedding because I insisted on inviting my brother and his boyfriend. Mom and Dad are now rightly embarrassed by their behavior and they worship his husband. (It helps that my brother married a doctor—some stereotypes are true.)
Last year, my parents found out that my older brother—their straight son—is kinky. A vindictive ex hacked into his e-mail and sent a letter to everyone in his address book. Big bro has a dungeon, his current girlfriend is his slave, he’s made BDSM porn. The e-mail came with pictures no mother would want to see. Mom, completely distraught, called her gay son: “Why can’t Josh have a normal relationship!” she cried. “Like yours!”
So far as Mom is concerned, her gay son is normal and her straight son is a freak. Is that progress, Dan?
Brothers Done Shocking Mom
I don’t know if it’s progress, BDSM, but it’s hilarious. And I trust that you’re sticking up for your kinky straight brother now just like you stuck up for your gay brother back in the day.
Be sure to listen to me interrogate Ira Glass on the Savage Lovecast this week—when he’s allowed to make fart jokes, he’s a whole new man: thestranger.com/savage.
@fakedansavage on Twitter
@ 140, Hunter78: I now know that.
I need to say something right and conciliatory before I turn the floor back over to any of you.
Thank you.
I apologize for being a douchebag to this site.
This is why I flipped out: I correspond in a very peculiar way with someone who frequents in here. I e-mail this person directly, and to my now-a-bit embarrassed awareness, too much so.
I am not e-mailed back: he writes and communicates in here, and it’s a very long (as Hunter78 would say, not very interesting) story, but there’s a strong connection: not always harmonious or easily understood, but a strong connection.
Since I was such an asshole last week, and having shut up, read, absorbed and listened over the weekend, I had to realize that I can’t fight City Hall anymore: if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em? Either that, and resolve to let it go and move on.
I freak out about lies and honesty because -even though I know now that, given how I’ve been, *this* is as comfortable and as far as you’re willing to go to reach out to me. Here, and that other place (sorry, folks: I’ll be done in a second. Thank you).
I’ll be the first to admit when I am wrong, or am acting like a fool.
I have.
I learned a lot and faced a lot over this weekend that I probably haven’t had the guts myself to realize: I have overdone it, I am cramping your style and I now accept that not only do I need to get my shit together upstairs, but also that at least I get to read you here..
We both need space from one another. I will read, learn and get to know you through here in the meantime. Going with the flow for now.
I’m sorry again, everyone. I’m in the wrong and I just wanted to say so, shaddup and go do what needs to be done. Thank you, have a good morning and Peace.
Pigeon: Terminally-Uninteresting;).
It’s difficult to absorb that I’ve been a total idiot, but I will. It just confounded me and kinda hurt me for the longest time that I would approach you privately and directly, but in turn, I would find you here..
It still takes getting used to for me, and that’s my problem I need to contend with. I don’t want to make any more problems for anyone (seriously). I just wanted answers, and I have found a few in here. One day at a time.. I do imagine I will leap over or swim underneath the wave of all thing’s Valentine’s Day. I know how I can be. It’s time for me to back off and give us both space. I need it now just as much as you always have. I just didn’t know it enough, and I’m sorry for that.
It’s unusual, and I think I need to either accept it and work with what is, or decide to call it a day. Right now, a sensible break in the action sounds healthy right about now.
I apologize for not having more adventurous tales under my arm, but I have cared and have had feelings for a very long time about … him.
I’m learning to accept what is with you as well as my myself, for real. It *felt* like a lie to me to approach you directly, and then have you respond in a totally different place.. It’s not about wanting to know everything you do. I don’t: no more than you ever wanted to know every little mundane thing I do (I get it, B.).
I blitzkrieged you with what I did as an angry response to you never writing me back like I write you.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, as someone in here with a name like that could say.
It is different now, a growth period. I will back off considerably and take it from there.
What I share with this person is complex, and sometimes it’s just very difficult to succesfully-navigate through..
I also do believe you’re bi. You did marry your chosen domme, you know;) .
I never though I would ever be one to say this, but even I need space from me.
Thank you, sorry for the melodrama, + peace.
Bore ‘Em At The Forum, Pigeon;).
It still takes getting used to for me, and that’s my problem.
I know I’m not ready to be poly, or go there. But then, that’s me right now… Lots to think about and lots of time needed to get there.. Peace.
No More Pigeon Park: It’s Going To Be Bulldozed & Paved Over. Finito. And the room collectively breathes a sigh and says good riddance.
@ 161 Good. No one gives a shit to read to watch you go psycho on us. A kindness it is for us all.
There’s another possibility… When Mr KH and I were polyfuckus, I just wanted to know who he was screwing. This was merely to avoid awkward social situations. Likewise, I let him know who I was screwing for similar reasons. However…. I hid it like a furious thief whenever the deed went down. I had an extremely sort of visceral reaction to the idea of Mr KH getting off on anything about me and my other person. That was private between me and the side dish see and none of his business. It felt like having him in the bedroom as a tag along for a threesome and it felt gross. Mr Cock Cage may be feeling something similar. I also hated the idea of him “knowing” about it because that to me felt like “permission” and at that point in my life I wanted no one’s opinion on who I shared my pussy with besides my own (yeah this was around when I was starting to feel really uncomfortable in my long term role as a sub too…and working out in my own head how I felt about being submissive and the concept of BDSM in general… take that as one may…).
Goodbye… (A long, slow goodbye.)
@ 164: Please stop. Go and write yourself that shit. There’s no place for it here. Thank you very much. Have a good day. 🙂
Heck – I’d be in heaven with a gal like HITME!
Are there any more out there?
Why is he telling HITME how unlikely his husband
is to find a kinky partner, while telling NICE
that he’s bound to find a dominant partner.
She’s certainly GGG, but not one in a million. There are plenty of kinky women. Check the Lust Lab.
@166 my advice is to fall in love with a woman who is kinky and open-minded. Treat her well, build trust together, and be just as GGG (ie, eager to fulfill her kinks) as she is for you, or even a little extra for good luck and so it doesn’t feel like you’re keeping track.
@167 there are lots of kinky women, but more prefer to be submissive. Not that many are out there thinking “if only I could find a submissive, gender-bending man.” I do think there are more men than women who like to take charge in bed. So the odds for NICE are better than for HITME’s spouse looking to replace her. Also, note that Dan did tell NICE to look for someone open-minded rather than someone who already loves to dominate people.
Make your own by finding someone open-minded and being a great, giving partner — that’s the best way to get someone well disposed to your own kinks.
Ira Glass was faboo! Bring him back. Podcast crossover is a beautiful thing. Maybe bring in Terry Gross for a threeway?
@163, that’s actually a good suggestion, a definite possibility; but isn’t it covered by the idea that he likes the secrecy? The suggestion above was that he might have a kink for secrecy — being aroused either by keeping things secret, or by the thrill of being discovered. You’re suggesting he might want to keep some of his sex life exclusively for himself, the way you did; a different reason for the same desire for secrecy.
I wonder what Mr HITME would say.
@157(Mr Ven), I’d find it fascinating to see your final casting. You’re so attentive to detail, I’m sure you’ll make interesting choices.
Henry himself strucks me as more of a paleo-Gingrichian character than a precursor of Mr Savage — I don’t think there was much GGG in him, even less honesty, and the need to create a new church just to give himself a divorce sounds like the kind of thing Mr Gingrich could argue in congress (perhaps successfully) as a matter of national security.
I meant ‘strikes me’, not ‘strucks me’. No more posting before I get my morning cup of herbal tea.
As far as I remember, Henry VIII didn’t want a divorce, he sought an annulment, on the ground that his wife of 23 years had been his deceased brother’s wife for 6 months prior to their marriage (and was now to old to produce the male heir he desperately wanted) – the argument being that Leviticus somewhere didn’t agree of a brother marrying his brother’s widow, although to be fair I think Leviticus asks somewhere else for a brother to marry his deceased brother’s widow, in order to give the deceased a progeny.
He just wanted a male heir, because in those days and age, his only surviving child being female (Mary Tudor), he felt that the crown might escape her (in the end it didn’t). And the Catholic Church wasn’t in too much of a hurry to please him with this annulment, since the Pope was being held prisonner by his wife’s nephew.
It seems it was not as much an issue of sexual freedom, as an issue of siring a legitimate son.
I’ve read that Ann Boleyn made him wait for years and became his mistress only shortly before they were married ; if it’s true, she’s the one who forced him into creating a new Church by being un-GGG… and that Church did annul his 1st marriage as he wished.
I wonder if Ann Boleyn ever went bowling and used her own noggin as a bowling ball 😉 . Eh, I bet she played soccer, or football; the U.K. version.. Bet she can regenerate new heads to grow likethat! That’s why she can go bowling with her own head under her arm. Although, those frilly dresses and things she wears: it must get in the way of being limber enough to nail three spares and a strike in quick succession! 🙂
Henry VIII: he’s always the one you see waving a massive turkey leg in the air, isn’t he? Big Man chowin’ down on a turkey leg. Like those ham-like turkey legs you find at every turn when you are inside ‘Disneyworld’ in Florida.
🙂
Henry rocks. He got it done. Can’t knock his hustle!
Annulments: Because you guys were speaking of them in here, I decided to read up more on them. What amazes me about them is how any children born into a marriage that was subsequently annulled are still considered legally-legitimate children. That’s pretty amazing..
Henry VIII’s separation of The Church Of England and The Roman Catholic Church is nothing short of amazing, considering the time he accomplished this.
So what he had a hundred wives? Being The King 🙂 has its perks! Why not enjoy them?
Anne Boleyn sounds like she was The One lol. Up until getting her poor noggin lopped off on charges of treason and incest. Such progressives even back then in the 1500’s.
I wanna start The Anne Boleyn Bowling Foundation.
We can even market commemorative bowling balls with her image re-created on them. I think the statute of limitations for appropriating a 1500’s royal monarch should have expired by now, wouldn’t you say? 🙂
I’d go bowling with a bowling ball decked out to look like Anne Boleyn. I probably would stop the buck at illustrating bloody entrails and microfilaments of tissue…
The Anne Boleyn Bowling Tourney!
Blonde as I would like to be 🙂 .
Is it true that Wallis Simpson was something of a hermaphrodite? She must’ve had it going on if she got King Edward to adbicate the throne. She must have really put out for him to have done that! Poor Madonna, getting shat on for directing that movie about them (‘W.E.’).
Madonna tries, she works hard and I thought she rather kicked ass for the half-time show. Not bad for a fifty-three-year-old broad! That, and I guess she pulled a hamstring during rehearsals..
Henry VIII was pretty radical and forward-thinking for a guy in the 1500’s. That’s awesome.
Yes, the necessity of the Male Heir rather obscures the issue. But, had it not been for that – had Mary been male or had a full brother, Henry and Catharine might well have remained the picture of one-sided monogamy that they were for most of their marriage.
But, moving on – Anne Boleyn received arguably the worst treatment from Henry of the whole lot, took greater exception to his deception than any of the other wives, and was evangelical, which at the time was definitely on the liberal end of the scale. While we have several feminists whom I could easily envision in a contemporary equivalent of having vernacular Bibles smuggled into England hidden in consignments of French underclothing, the marital details we know pushes AB in the direction of Ms Erica, who, I hope, will not be too offended if I speculate that she would be at least in theory as open as anybody here to the possibility of incest, one of the major false accusations against Anne.
Jane Seymour is much easier. Providing the male heir made her quite a saint, and I’m sure we would not need a series of caucuses and primaries to nominate Ms Kim for that position. Thankfully, the state of medicine in our time is rather superiour to what it was then.
Anne of Cleves received a rather unfair quantity of blame for the unsatisfactory state of the marital relations, but, by way of compensation, seemed to have rather the happiest time of the group. Without making an explicit statement about the desirability of divorce, I wish the appropriate happy ending on our unfairly-cut-off Mr J.
Catherine Howard probably seems far more sympathetic at such a historical divide, and one might reasonably say that most of the criticism directed towards her would be considered quite unfair and misogynistic – had she not undertaken a role of which the primary requirement was sexual fidelity. Similarly, it would be reasonable to complain about her being unfairly shamed for her pre-marital history – had she not colluded in misrepresentation on a material point. With her conduct as Queen factored in, we have here someone who took on an outside partner in clear violation of understood rules, and was foolishly deceptive in a way sure to be found out – in short, however little he may have been such a way in the past, Mr Erica.
My apologies to anyone who feels unfairly excluded. Please feel free to make a case.
@ 177, vennominon: To quote you, if I may..
“My apologies to anyone who feels unfairly excluded. Please feel free to make a case.”
I sure don’t feel that, and I hope you don’t either :). That goes for everyone else in here, too.
That’s wild: the irony is is that my paternal grandparents’ names were Henry and Catherine.
Cool. 😉
Mr. Ven,
But who are you?
Surely not Cardinal Woolsey or Cromwell.
Now I feel like watching that old BBC “The Six Wives of Henry VIII,” or “The Tudors.”
Sometimes I feel like Mary Tudor, and sometimes like Thomas Moore (I teach “Utopia,” after all)
I don’t want to be AB, a cock tease if there ever was one and hideously cruel to Catherine and little Mary.
I’ll be Cromwell, if Mr. Ven doesn’t want the job, as I stick my nose in everywhere and have a high opinion of my own advice 🙂 Also, happy to support king Dan’s right to jettison traditional understandings of marriage.
Ol’ Annie must’ve been a real piece of work if they went ahead and beheaded her! Eesh! Talk about knarly karma coming back to get you!
@ 180, EricaP: Your advice serves us all well. Your props to yourself are most applauded by the masses. Take your bows, luv 🙂 .
Thanks for a good day in here 🙂 . Peace Y’all.
@177 Mr V
I’ve lost my interest in “happy endings” although I’m truly touched by your words.
That was quite an interesting read, Mr Ven. You have quite a knack for historical parallels. (Despite the anachronism, I might perhaps nominate Seattleblues et caterva for the role of Witchfinder General. He strikes me as someone Mr Hopkins might have simpathized with.)
@182, thank you for the kind words. Your recent appearance after pigeon left yesterday suggests that the two of you (or more?) inhabit the same physical body. I’m happy to see you in a good mood today, but I urge you to find someone in real life you can talk to. (And, yes, mydriasis, I’m aware of the irony in me recommending that other people get some help with their obsessive Slog posting…)