Chinese Village Discovers New Species of Mushroom; Then Discovers It’s a Fleshlight

“Not sure what it is, but it has a nose and eyes.”
—Resident of the Uncanny Valley of Shaanxi

“Touching it, it is very smooth, giving the feeling of a type of meat.”
—Intrepid young lady reporter

Xi’an TV later blamed their perpetuation of the villagers’ mistake on Intrepid Young Lady Reporter’s being “very young and unwise to the ways of the world.” Which is just adding insult to phthalate exposure.