From this week’s I, Anonymous:

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Many months back, I responded to your ad, a lesbian couple looking for a suitor to help procreate a child for you.

I was really just looking to get laid.

We hooked up and did the deed twice at first, and many weeks later, no baby.

We went at it again a few more times, and I definitely did my best to blast off all my batter for y’all.

It was awesome. Your lady sat in on the final session, and it got super erotic/trippy. It has provided me with enough fodder for life.

Still, no baby.

I got fixed a few years back, but I couldn’t tell you and pass up such an erotic endeavor. It was the best sex ever, and I definitely thank you.

Again. Thanks. I tried.

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David Schmader—former weed columnist and Stranger associate editor—is the author of the solo plays Straight and Letter to Axl, which he’s performed in Seattle and across the US. His latest...