I just came from a vacation in the Midwest. My mom used to have a neighbor who talked JUST like this (it takes about 4,578,234 cigarettes). AUDIO NSFW. Also do not watch if words and phrases like “bitch” “honey bun” “fucking lezzie” and/or “Pinocchio nose” personally offend you.

Read the whole brilliant transcript on NYMag.com!

Kelly O—formerly a Stranger staff photographer, music writer, Drunk of the Week columnist, and more!—finished art school and a soul-crushing internship at a corporate advertising agency in Detroit,...