- FAINER SKIMPED
- Kenny Mayne, Kam Chancellor, and my Super Bowl Champion socks.
Exciting announcement! Since all people in Seattle are now winners who care deeply about Seahawks football, I’ll be joining you once a week—after every Seahawks game this year—to trace the Seahawks’ Insufferable Journey to Rewinnining the Super Bowl™.
First, if the Seahawks keep playing like they did last night in their 36-16 week-one win over the Green Bay Packers, we’re all going to get to be very insufferable. But before going out and being insufferable, make sure that you’re actually being insufferable and not just being a dick. Saying, “Man, Percy Harvin really makes this team limitlessly good” is insufferable. Saying, “Oh you’re a Packers fan? YOU GUYS SUCK!” is just being a “Cap Hill Legend”-sized dick. Don’t do that.
- Seahawks baby/Shutterstock
- Look at this insufferable baby.
Now that we’ve got all that squared away, some key takeaways from week one:
• Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers might be the best football player on earth, and he looked okay against an excellent Seahawks defense. Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman also might be the best football player on earth, and he was invisible last night against the excellent Packers offense. The winner of this battle? Sherman in a landslide. When you make Aaron Freakin’ Rodgers throw deep balls across his body rather than challenge you (Rodgers threw at Sherman an astonishing zero times all night), then you get to yell whatever you want whenever you want about whomever you want.
• If you’re looking for a favorite Seahawk, you could do a lot worse than newly resigned defensive end Michael Bennett. Bennett is a beast getting after the passer (he forced the fumble that led to the Packers’ third-quarter safety) and a hilarious and intelligent interview subject. He also gave himself the nickname “Black Santa,” and then wrote “Black Santa” when he signed his name for NBC’s pregame show.
• Despite all we know about the impact of traumatic head injuries to football players, my first two thoughts after Packers’ running back Eddy Lacy was diagnosed with a concussion in the second half of the game were “Yay! This is good for the Seahawks!” and “Oh no! My fantasy team!” Whatever was going on in my brain in that moment holds the key to understanding why America is doing nothing about climate change.
• Smart football thing to say to your friends after week one: “If the Seahawks keep getting elite guard play like they did against the Packers, they’re going to be even better than they were last year.”
• Stupid football thing to say to your friends after week one: “If the guards keep getting elite guard play from J.R. Swayze, they’re going to turn opposing teams into Ghosts. Swayze’s gonna take him down to the Road House. The Points that are Breaking? They’ll be breaking to Swayze and the Seahawks.” (Note: This is only stupid because Seahawks guard J.R. Sweezy’s name is not J.R. Swayze. Otherwise, absolute gold.)
• Somehow we’re this deep into a post about the Seahawks without having mentioned either head coach Pete Carroll or quarterback Russell Wilson. Pete Carroll and Russell Wilson are the two most valuable assets in the NFL. They are both also corny guys, so let me match their corniness: I feel lucky to root for them. This is going to be a very fun season, assuming that me typing this paragraph didn’t jinx everything.
• Finally, a friend of mine tried to get a “Who’s Haus? Chka’s house!” chant going in honor of kicker (and Dan Savage’s Honorary Seahawk Boyfriend) Steven Hauschka. It didn’t quite work the first time. Or the second time. Or any of the other times. Could you guys help diagnose what went wrong? Is the whole endeavor ill-advised, or was it just poorly executed? Is there a better Hauschka-based call-and-response than this that we should be trying? Thanks in advance.
