That’s how Joe Jervis describes the campaign kickoff event of former brain surgeon and current antigay hater Ben Carson. It took place earlier today in Detroit. Here’s the video:

I’m gonna take Joe’s word for the color guard, the gospel choir, the Christian quintet, and Mrs. Ben Carson playing the national anthem on her violin before Mr. Ben Carson took the stage because this fucking thing is an hour and 40 minutes long. Life’s too short to spend nearly two hours trapped inside a Ben Carson patriotic fever/wet dream. But I did see a clip of Carson asking the audience to quiet down because “we have limited time.” Seems to me that time wouldn’t have been so tight if Ben had gone with either the gospel choir or the quintet but not, you know, the choir and the quintet.

Ben Carson goes on to say—fuck me, I’m watching the damn thing—that he’s “not a politician and doesn’t want to be a politician.” Carson doesn’t need to worry about that: He’s not going to be the GOP nominee and he’s not going to be president. He also dislikes Saul Alinsky and opposes socialism because it destroys the middle class—unlike, you know, that trickle-down/corporations-are-people/tax-breaks-for-rich shit we’ve been doing here for the last 40 years.

Carson’s utility to the GOP (and Carly Fiorina’s) summed up in a single tweet: