We’re living in a golden age of horror movies that we’re not allowed to call horror movies. Crimson Peak was a “gothic romance.” The Witch was… whatever The Witch was. While the trailers seemed intent to sell those films as horror, neither functioned very well if you went into the theater with conventional genre expectations. And while I usually find that sort of categorical groundskeeping pretty obnoxious (and I’m pretty sure The Witch WAS a horror movie), I’m here to tell you that—no matter how it may first appear—A Cure for Wellness is not a horror movie.
Don’t get me wrong—the synopsis certainly makes it seem like one! Callow young stockbroker Lockhart (Dane DeHaan) is dispatched on an errand by his employers to a mysterious geriatric clinic in an extremely sinister Swiss castle. Said clinic is run by an unsettlingly European doctor (Jason Isaacs), who also may or may not be a Dracula. As one might expect, bad things happen. But as one might not expect, each of A Cure for Wellness’ apparently disparate components—stockbroker, old people, Dracula castle—is given equal attention. So yes, maybe there are hundreds of creepy eels lurking beneath the surface of the clinic’s pond. But there are also a lot of water-aerobics scenes.