It's a metaphor. Credit: 100/Getty Images
Its a metaphor.
It’s a metaphor. 100/Getty Images

Have you heard about this new 99 tunnel? Well, the Washington State Department of Transportation is spending $4.4 million to make sure you do. It’s as if we haven’t been talking about this tunnel for over a decade now with every Seattle-based newspaper, TV station, radio show, blog, podcast, and nervous small talk fixating on the Highway 99 problems! One of the main things they want to get across is that the tunnel won’t have the same exit layout as the viaduct did, so drivers hoping to get downtown may have to backtrack once they’re through the tunnel.

Speaking of traffic woes: Washington is officially the worst state in the lower 48 to be a driver. What makes it even worse is our rival to the south, Oregon, is the best state to be a driver. Well you know what Oregon, you’ll never beat us in one category: number of orca whales. You could end homelessness and cancer but we will still always hold the record for most orcas (well, maybe not always because they seem to keep dying).

Venezuela has two presidents: President Nicolás Maduro has been in power for several years now and has overseen the complete implosion of the country’s economy. But they also have another president, Juan Guaidó, a 35-year-old National Assembly leader who has broad support among the people and the backing of powerful nations. One of those nations is the United States. After the Trump administration recognized Guaidó as Venezuela’s true president, Maduro tried to expel all U.S. diplomats and accused the U.S. of “gringo interventions and coups d’état.” Putin did more or less the same because Maduro is a Russian ally. Go figure.

State of the BOO-nion: First Nancy Pelosi invited Trump to give the State of the Union, then the shutdown dragged on so she told him to postpone until the government was open. Then Trump was all like, “thanks but no thanks, I’ll see you at the speech!” Then The Daily Show’s Trevor Noah tweeted “Trump can’t just show up somewhere he’s not invited. This isn’t the dressing room at Miss Teen USA.” Sick burn. Now Trump has decided to postpone the speech until the shutdown ends and will give it on the House floor. Or maybe Sean Hannity’s show, who knows.

Seattle pays out largest individual personal injury settlement ever: A grand total of $65.75 million was paid to the Taylor family after 38-year-old Brooke Taylor was hit by a Seattle Fire Department ambulance. Taylor, who suffered serious mental and physical impairments from the crash, was a rising star as an intellectual property lawyer but can no longer practice law. After three years in an assisted-care facility, she is transitioning home to be with her husband and three kids.

Did you know that it’s always sunny above the clouds? Keep that in mind the next few days.

Australia is melting: Not actually, but they are experiencing a brutal heatwave with temperatures up to 118 degrees and over 10 areas of the continent breaking their heat records. People are dying and bats are dropping dead out of trees on a “biblical scale” according to grist. Meanwhile, Trump tweeted about the cold snap in the northeast, “Wouldn’t be bad to have a little of that good old fashioned Global Warming right now!” Fuck you. A good old fashioned fuck you. We’re all clear on the fact that climate and weather are different right? If not, check this out.

Chinese government blocks Bing: Microsoft’s search engine is no longer accessible in China, but that’s okay because literally nobody uses Bing anyway. I once got a computer virus that changed my search engine to Bing and it brought my entire life to a screeching halt. Microsoft already censored the results Chinese citizens could see, which is why Bing remained as one of the last Western search engines available. I joke, but this is actually a huge blow to internet freedom in the country that has already banned most everything.

Amanda Knox to receive $20,000 from Italian government: The European Court of Human Rights said Italy must pay Knox for not providing her with a lawyer or interpreter during the more than 50 hours of interrogation she endured. Knox was arrested by Italian police on suspicion of killing her British housemate in 2007 but there was no evidence she had done so. A measly $20,000 won’t do much for the Knox family, but the ruling by a human rights court that the Italian police mistreated her is the vindication she’s been waiting for.

A fact:

Okay people hold onto your britches: Apparently there was an entire year where Mark Zuckerberg ONLY ATE THE MEAT OF ANIMALS HE HAD KILLED HIMSELF. I may be late to the party on this but wait, there’s more. According to Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey, Zuckerberg once killed a goat with a stun gun and a knife right in front of him and then they ate it that night. Well Dorsey didn’t, he just stuck to salad. (The goat was cold.)

Tonight’s best Seattle entertainment options include: A chance to see the workings of a winery at Winning Around with Elsom Cellars, a screening of Seattle literary powerhouse Jekeva Phillips’s new TV series Z Sides, and the first of four shows with LA funk/soul legends War.

Timothy Kenney is a former Slog AM intern. He's written for multiple Seattle outlets, helped CNN cover a mudslide in Sierra Leone, and almost threw up on James Franco once.