Twenty Years Ago His Wife Announced She Wouldn’t Be Blowing Or Kissing Him Anymore…

I found my way to your column from a Google search. I saw your email address at the bottom and was hoping for some insight. My issue is that two years into our twenty-three-year marriage my wife declared that she doesn’t want to kiss me or perform oral on me. Several years ago, she had an affair and confessed that she not only kissed this other person but performed oral on them as well. Why them and not me? Should I just go find someone willing to do what I want? I have a high sex drive but I find that I don’t want to sleep with my wife anymore because there is never any foreplay and a few minutes into it and she’s telling me to hurry up. I don’t feel wanted and honestly I no longer desire her. What do you make of this?

Hurting Unwanted Husband

Before telling you what I make of your email, HUH, here’s what I wish I could make out of your email: a time machine. If I could turn all those pixels and code and whatever else into a working time machine, HUH, I’d drag your ass back to 1996 (and you wouldn’t marry your wife) or 1999 (and you’d leave her after two years of marriage). But since time machines aren’t a thing—at least not yet—we’ll have to talk about the here and now.

Your wife isn’t attracted to you and she either never was or she hasn’t been a for a long, long time. And now the feeling is mutual: you aren’t attracted to her anymore. And if you’re seriously wondering why she kissed and blew that other person—the person with whom she had that affair—when she hasn’t wanted to kiss or blow you for 20+ years (“Why them and not me?”), HUH, the answer is as painful as it is obvious: your wife was attracted to her affair partner (that’s why them) and she’s not attracted to you (that’s why not you).

Now it’s possible your wife was attracted to you a long time ago; I assume she was kissing and blowing you while you were dating and during the first years of your marriage. (She wouldn’t have to announce she was going to stop doing those things if she’d never started.) But at some point early in your relationship, HUH, your wife’s desire to swallow your spit and inhale your dick evaporated. It’s possible her desire to swallow/inhale the spit/dick of her affair partner would’ve evaporated in roughly the same amount of time and she would’ve lost interest in him and his dick and his spit as well. Some people have a hard time sustaining desire over time—and contrary to popular belief, women have a harder time sustaining desire in a committed, romantic relationships than men do.

Of course it’s possible your wife isn’t the problem. You may have said or done something that extinguished your wife’s desire for you—maybe your personal hygiene leaves everything to be desired (I’ve gotten I don’t know how many letters from women whose husbands refuse to brush their fucking teeth and/or can’t be bothered to wipe their asses properly) or maybe you’re emotionally distant or cold or contemptuous or incredibly shitty in bed.

Or maybe it’s not you! I don’t know you, HUH, and other than the very few details you included your very brief letter, I don’t know what’s going on in your marriage.

But I do know this: If you can leave, HUH, you should. But if you decide to stay because you wanna or because leaving is impossible where you live or unthinkable for cultural reasons… well, seeing as she how hasn’t wanted to fuck you for decades and seeing as how you no longer wanna fuck her at all, HUH, I think you should release each other from the monogamous commitment you made. If you can adjust your expectations going forward—if you both agree your marriage is now companionate, i.e. you’re friends and life partners, not romantic or sexual partners—you might come to appreciate your marriage for what it is and be able to let go of the anger and disappointment you feel over what it’s not.

And to be clear: if your marriage is companionate, HUH, you should both be free to seek sex with outside partners.