Welcome to The Stranger's Queer Issue

The Democrats and the mainstream media have pushed me out of the greatest cabinet in Earth’s 4,000-year history, and The Stranger, a publication I have never heard of but was familiar with my excellent track record, asked me to temporarily fill in as its public editor for this “queer” issue. They had read about my husband and wondered if I had reevaluated my views on the LGBTQIA+ (where do I stop?) community. I have not. Since the job of the public editor is to evaluate, and I am skilled at passing judgment on others, I accepted the $12 commission, which has yet to arrive by mail (a waste of taxpayer money, I’ll add). But I may have missed it. Cricket, the family dog, doesn’t bark anymore.

When I read this “newspaper,” a front for Antifa dark money, I was scandalized and confused. Gender ideology. Inappropriateness. Anti-American and anti-business views. And what is it with this obsession with the anus? I am certain it violates some law. And if it isn’t illegal, the President will make it illegal. I would suggest it to him, but he is no longer taking my calls.

To start, I learned that lesbians, like the women who stare at me while I’m on the elliptical at Planet Fitness, enjoy stargazing. I read on the Internet that this accompanies “yearning,” which is not in the President’s vision for this country. A “bisexual” writer, Audrey Vann, interviewed artist Claire Johnson about her paintings. I also learned that when “gay” men are at Planet Fitness, they use a coded sign language involving their genitals. (I have not seen it, I use the correct bathroom.) Mothers: Cruising has nothing to do with American-made automobiles, and it does not support the global economy. Fathers: Note that “furries” is not slang for pelts.

News Editor Vivian McCall’s column on the “safe” performance of anilingus did not make sense to me because I do not have an anus. Undermining the authority of the federal government, Deputy News Editor Nathalie Graham told readers how to “safely” take the dangerous illicit drugs trafficked into our country. I know drug enforcement. When I was Governor of South Dakota, we were on meth!

I was tickled that Stranger contributor Kate Burns wrote about some Christian Nationalists I was familiar with. A few nice young men are consolidating power in your Godless city. You should be thankful.

Clearly, you’re not. Editor-in-Chief Hannah Murphy Winter’s story blames innocent Christians, savaged by homosexuals, for calling on the police for help! Then goes after the police for not knowing that Capitol Hill is a gay neighborhood. Do we have to ask neighborhoods for their pronouns now?

If you have pronouns—I do not—you can find a comprehensive list of “accessible,” “fun” events for your “pride” month.

Thank you for reading. I am looking for work.

This Issue Brought to You By:

Martini Jell-O shots

Spending $35 on a watermelon because you were simply too embarrassed to admit to the checkout clerk that you were incapable of basic by-the-pound math

Gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender people, queers, and those fucking plus signs

Michael Crichton, freakishly tall MD

Spaghetti hitting the wall with a disappointing marinara slap

Dildos hitting the wall with a disappointing marinara slap

All the Kash Patel bourbon we could ever want

Imma bust in the sense I can no longer last

Inviting the snakes back to Ireland to eat the British

Everything in its right place

Praising God with my Gucci on

Praising Gucci with my God on

I swear to Gucci

I can’t even remember