Bartender/Server at Bistro Magnolia
2255 NE 65th St, 525-6200
Do you have any regrets about your job?
I regret sticking a knife through my hand last week. Now half the stitches have ripped through my flesh because I keep flexing it. It looks like a spider crawled into my hand and died.
Any other regrets from this year?
I regret straight men who date hideous women. I mean, you’ve got this ugly chick or a hot gay guy—who should you really be fucking? And I regret my last-year’s resolution to go to a synagogue, find myself a nice rich Jewish boy, and get married. I’m six foot four; there’s no way I can pass as a Jew. I was setting myself up to fail.
What do you think your coworkers regret about working with you?
Out of all the “ethnic” CDs we’ve got at work, I always play Brigitte Bardot on repeat. Bitches don’t like motherfucking Brigitte Bardot.
What are your Plans for the Future?
I’m going back to school to get my masters in library science this year. Then someday I’m going to buy a mansion—one with a library—and become its head librarian. And somewhere along the road, I’ll also be signed on to a major record label.
Are you currently in a band?
Yeah, we’re called ManPlus.
Interview by Cienna Madrid
