It’s difficult for me to admit this, but up until two months ago, I
had never eaten a single thing from Jack in the Box. Since July,
I have been to see Jack at least 10 times. What the hell was I thinking
all these years? I am filled with regret when I think about how, when I
lived just behind the post office on Broadway, I once awoke, horrified
and hungover, to find a half-eaten Dick’s Deluxe in my bed. To think I
could have been spooning with Jack! I’ve always had a strange and
inappropriate crush on Jack, what with the suit and fancy commercials,
and the silhouettes of him holding a megaphone.
I will always vividly recall my first (late-night, drunken, sloppy)
encounter with Jack’s Sirloin Cheese Burger ($2.99, or $5.99 for
combination meal with fries and a soda)—dense, potato-y bun,
seasoned moist ground sirloin, lettuce, tomato, bracing and creamy
peppercorn mayo, pickle fillet, red onion, and cheddar cheese. I really
believe that Jack in the Box offers the highest-quality fast food
around. I’ve heard rumors that this quality turnaround is due to a
horrible E. coli problem Jack had in the 1990s—but I don’t
care about the past. I’m looking forward to a long and happy future
with Jack. 
