What Are You, Greek?

To Greek or not to Greek?

It’s the most important date rape–related decision you can
make. Rushing into the Greek system is a heavy commitment, akin to
leasing rent-to-own furniture, but one that affords worthy pledges a
chance to fully and instantly chuck any shreds of individuality, meet
snotty white bitches, drink oneself into a coma, and experience the
joys of the circle jerk in ways that he or she might not have possibly
done otherwise—barring military service, the scouts, the church,
and the GOP.

Tragically, I failed to pledge during my own college adventure. I
shall regret parts of that decision forever. (The bare-assed group
spankings and “Sorry, man! I didn’t know anybody was using this
underwear!” parts, respectively.) Please, child! Do not make my
mistake!

But before pledging to any “frat” or “soror” or whatever, you must
arm yourself with knowledge! You must do your research! You must learn
a little something about the pledges that, gaylike, want to recruit
you.

But you are busy! You are learning! Learning so much! You do not
have time to research this and that! Rest easy, young person. I have
done your research for you. All you need to know about Seattle’s finest
Greeks is below.

The Brotherhoods

The long and noble history of “fraternity” (used here in its most
collegiate and nounish sense) goes all the way back to my freshman
year, when I accidentally stumbled upon a big white house emblazoned
with big Greek letters whose lawn was crawling with big flawless white
studs, all shirtless, swaggering, and sweating, sweating, sweating in
the golden September sun. (To commemorate the event, my penis blew up.)
Today, there are over 14 billion so-called “active” frats on the UW
campus alone. Most of these are secretly Jewish or gay. The ones that
matter follow.

Sigma Phi Epsilon (SigEp)

4637 21st Ave NE, 388-7915

“SigEp” is the largest fraternity in the nation, and their motto is
“We’ve set the bar low.” SigEp’s history is a proud and long one: It
was founded at Richmond College on November 1, 1901, and you know what
that means—IT’S YOUR LUCKY MONTH, Scorpio! Money, love, and
travel are in the air. But don’t let it go to your head! The pessimist
borrows trouble; the optimist lends encouragement. Lucky numbers are 7
and 13.

Phi Kappa Sigma

4711 17th Ave NE, 527-6260

If Google Images can be trusted, Phi Kappa Sigmas enjoy being
shirtless and flipping off the camera. There is a fundamental notion in
their mission statement about “balance,” but I don’t know what they’re
talking about. Ballet, maybe. Fags. Their house has a heated pool and
sauna. You’ll never. Wear clothes. Again. The same case of ringworm has
been going around and around this frat since 1971.

Phi Gamma Delta (Fijis)

4503 17th Ave NE, 527-8620

The Fijis exist to “promote lifelong friendships, reaffirm high
ethical standards, and foster personal development,” and this is as
good a time to tell you about Jake, I guess. Now, I’m not saying Jake
was a Fiji, but he’d spice up his boring frat days with a popular house
game called “gookie cookie.” A confection item was produced, a cookie
or Twinkie or something, and Jake and all his jolly frat-boy bros would
circle their wagons yank their yangs, and splooge upon the poor
defenseless confection. Whoever splooged last ate it. Jake never did
clarify if the gookie cookie eater was considered the winner or the
loser, but he wasn’t a Fiji anyway, so what difference does it
make?

Tau Kappa Epsilon (Tekes)

4520 21st Ave NE, tkeuw.com

Tau Kappa Epsilon provides its members “with a chance to grow and
take full advantage of their college experience,” by which they mean
they will kill you. The frat has been long suspended on the national
level for allegedly hazing people to death and other drunken criminal
shenanigans, but they thrive unchecked despite the lack of recognition
from the dreaded Interfraternity Council. This frat has the hottest
guys, hands down, definitely, period, please fuck me. But me, I like
the danger. Are you a survivor? Party…Party…PARTY!!!

Alpha Epsilon Pi (aka the Jewish frat)

4626 21st Ave NE, 525-0730

You call this a frat? On weekends, they rent Yentl, hold
each other, and cry. And cheap! Oy! Just like my uncle Irving. You
remember Irving.

The Gay Frat (Delta Lambda Phi)

Top-secret address, 375-0934

What’s Greek got to do with it? If you have to ask, they aren’t
hazing you hard enough. Jesus hates this frat. SO. MUCH.
Guuuuuuurl.

Alpha Kappa Psi

(Mercenaries for Mary)

900 Broadway, students.seattleu.edu/clubs/akpsi

Secret knock: Tap, tap, pause… tap, tap, tap.

Password: Loaves.

This is a professional business fraternity, and the only frat
featured here from Seattle University. This is because Seattle U only
has sad, boring frats like this one. And this is because Seattle U is
all neurotic Catholics, and believe me, those brainwashed bitches just
can’t party. Which is terrific, because they breed like fruit flies.
Bingo!

The Sisterhoods

The word “sisterhood” evokes images of strong, empowered women of
color. This is just fucking wrong. Sisterhoods are just like
brotherhoods, but with cunts. Also, females. Here are some nice ones, I
guess.

Alpha Gamma Delta (AGDs)

I’m not telling you the address, 527-2351

Founded in 1904, Alpha Gamma Delta is an international sorority
“dedicated to academic excellence, leadership, and high ideals.” The
requirements for pledges are strict. You must weigh less than a bowl of
tic tacs and be no darker than a grocery bag. That’s it. It’s all in
the charter. Look it up.

Alpha Kappa Delta Phi (KDs)

uwakdphi.com

This is an all-Asian sorority, which is to say, Secret. Money. Oh,
hell, they’ll tell you they’re broke. Don’t buy it.

Pi Beta Phi (Pi Phis)

4548 17th Ave NE, 523-5415

Nice girls. Good hearts.

Sigma Kappa (Don’t ask)

4510 22nd Ave NE, 527-3125

These ugly bitches have the worst eating disorders. My friend Lisa
told me. They call the UW chapter the “MU” chapter. The “MU” CHAPTER!
Well, THAT just goes to show you.

The ZTAs and AZDs

For contact, follow your nose.

Not a gag reflex among them. Oddly, they’re all lesbians.

Gamma Phi Beta

4529 17th Ave NE, 526-7330

These lovely darlings are all pretty, pretty virgins who will
someday go to heaven on flying white horses. The end.