There’s no point to radio anymore. It’s a cultural institution,
sure, and we tolerate it, keep it around for posterity.
But radio
offers nothing to the music world that can’t be found elsewhere at pretty much the same price. I recently spent 12 full
hours absorbing everything it has to offer, starting from the bottom
and working my way to the End (yeah I know, they thought of it first).
The only conclusion I came up with is that the act
itself—actually turning a dial—is sweetly
nostalgic, but it gets you nowhere.
I’m sure there are some die-hard Seattle radio listeners (to the
people who call in and actually win things—who are you?), but the
rest of us have gone digital. We troll blogs instead of frequencies,
and “new music” on air has been leaked on OiNK (R.I.P.) for months.
Video killed the radio star and Last.fm spit on its grave. America has moved on to
playlists, podcasts,
online streaming, and
satellite radio.
Which is why the first thing I had to do was buy an AM/FM Walkman at
Value Village (price: $2.99). For my first two hours, I took a good,
long dose of KEXP 90.3. I caught the tail end of an in-studio by a good
band, followed by a steady stream of newer, obviously indier tracks:
songs that reflect the DJ’s personal taste and knowledge of music as
opposed to a rigid rotation schedule. I’d probably still listen to
radio if KEXP didn’t nix Tacoma’s 91.7 simulcast in 2005.
After commercial-free KEXP, I was stuck in commercial-full hell.
Every Clear Channel or otherwise corporate station played its ads at
the exact same time, with “Hey There Delilah” by the Plain White T’s
chasing me around the dial. (Another example of radio’s cultural lag:
That song was already overrated in 2005, when some kid at my high
school actually ventured to sing it a cappella at an assembly. Suddenly
it’s “new music”?) The only actual music I could find was religious,
and that was selling Jesus. I tried to listen to the worship pop
without judging (WWJD?), but it was impossible. And they, too, broke
for commercials.
I hovered between Movin 92.5 (station motto: “It makes you feel
good!”) and the Old Skool Lunch on KUBE (station standby: “I Got Five
On It,” every time, foolproof) for a while because the fly jams of
yesteryear are still fly. Then KUBE’s new-music rotation kicked in with
a steady stream of mid-’07 hits. It’s way too obvious to me that
Rhianna will never be Brandy, and T-Pain’s “Buy U a Drank” can’t touch
Next’s “Too Close.” Those “Rhythmic Contemporary Hits”—as
Wikipedia describes KUBE’s direction—have plateaued, though
Kanye’s “Stronger” kills me every time.
Billie Holiday came in over a mysterious low-frequency jazz station
(KPLU?), and I found a grainy recording of “Folsom Prison Blues”
somewhere in the mid-90s. This was after enduring an hour of
girl-stole-my-truck-my-dog-and-my-heart “modern country” (aka “the
worst shit ever”) on KMPS.
The End, 107.7, was disappointing. From the station I used to use to
make mixtapes, I got nothing but irritating DJs playing a potpourri of
non sequitur “alternative” songs that felt disjointed and out of place.
The station’s glory days have passed. It still has a local music show,
but the End just isn’t as Seattle-centric as it once was. Of course,
they still play a Nirvana song almost every hour. Some things will
never change.
Star 101.5 and Warm 106.9 are pure dentist office. KZOK is still
perfect for multiple Tom Petty hits in a row. KISS will always be the
music of fifth-graders or the thirtysomething singles crowd (read: Club
KISS at Trinity). And 103.7 The Mountain will always be the final
resting place of UW frat bros rolling deep on their annual pilgrimage
to see Dave Matthews at the Gorge.
So here’s the catch-22 of radio: There’s no real strategy for
listening. You can lurk in one spot for hours or sift through the muck
looking for gold, but neither guarantees hearing something you like.
It’s free, but the commercials are maddening. Why wouldn’t you just
dial in online to find exactly the music stream you’re looking for?
After a marathon 12 hours, I was Top 40’d out and was looking to save
15 percent or more on car insurance for the car I don’t have. I also
seriously wanted to take T-Pain up on his offer. 