Control Tower

By now you’ve probably considered where your presidential candidate
of choice stands on all the important issues, and what he or she would
be like in the Oval Office. But have you considered this important
question: What would they be like in bed? Because I think what
someone is like sexually tells you about their character, I’ve pondered
each of the presidential candidates carefully, and using my extremely
well-honed powers of sexual perception and prediction, I’ve come up
with some speculations about how they’d each get their sexy on.

Hillary Clinton probably gets referred to as a dominatrix about as much as I do, so let’s start with her. Do I think she’s really
a domme? Well, when you’re a woman with a strong personality outside
the bedroom, people give it up to you in bed without your even trying
very hard. Someone has to run the fuck, just like someone has to run
the country, so if you’re elected, you call the shots. And people
usually like it, even if they try to claim otherwise after the
fact.

So Hillary is a domme by default, a mistress of necessity. However,
if the right dominant guy came along—because I don’t think
Hillary is a dyke, she doesn’t read like that to me—Mrs.
Clinton would totally be his sweet little submissive slut, and love it.
But only in bed. God help him if he tried pulling her hair while she
was at the office.

John McCain is a fairly uncomplicated straight man. I have a feeling
he’s well hung, and he’s probably not bad in the sack, although
I suspect he has a limited repertoire. He seems like the kind of guy
who’d follow the exact same sexual routine every time he fucked, and if
you don’t like the way he eats pussy, you should just get dressed and
go home because he’s not a guy who’s going to take direction well. Oh,
and don’t touch his asshole, because that’s for fags.

Mike Huckabee? He’s a Republican Baptist minister, therefore he’s
undoubtedly sucking cock in a public restroom somewhere. And since
he’s Southern, he probably prefers to blow uncut black men. He may even
lust for…

Barack Obama, who is a love machine, baby. Nothing too kinky, but he
likes feathers and flavored body lotions, and he has some brightly
colored satin thongs that he puts on when it’s Business Time. He and
Michelle put Barry White on the CD player, light some candles, smoke
a little weed, and get busy. Occasionally Barack worries that he’s
not black enough, and he drops into this faux-ghetto dirty-talking
style, which Michelle secretly thinks is silly. Other than that, he’s
aces.

Ralph Nader isn’t really a candidate, but then again, I doubt he’s
really much of a sexual partner, either. No, he’s a pushy, whiny
do-me queen. He has only one testicle—the other is
undescended—and he lets this make him insecure and thus a bad
lover. And a bad politician, too.

matisse@thestranger.com