Your column about coming out was insightful,
funny, and very moving. You tackled hard questions and provided some of
the best answers I’ve ever heard to them.
My only qualm is with your reply to
Christian Parents Angrily Chastise, whose Christian parents were making
his life hell after they discovered he was gay: “Your only option right
now, I’m sorry to say, is to lie to them.” It’s not that I don’t think
lying is necessary for some kids in his situation, but CPAC should know
it’s not his only option. My Christian parents also found out early on
(age 12) just how fabulous their son truly was. I got the
works—therapy, extra church sessions, lectures, shunning,
grounding from male friends, the usual stuff. I went back in the closet
initially, but after a while I realized that was, uh, fruitless and
came back out at 16.
My last few years in high school certainly
weren’t a cakewalk, but my parents did a lot of reading, snooping,
arguing, and even some listening, and eventually my relationship with
my parents slowly mended. Shortly after my high-school graduation, my
mom even held me while I cried when the Defense of Marriage Act was
passed. She promised me she would be at my wedding to dance and drink
wine and celebrate my union with my future husband along with the rest
of the family. Ironically, looking back, it was one of the happiest
moments in my life, too.
I know not every kid has parents like mine,
but that doesn’t mean every family like CPAC’s is destined to be torn
apart forever, either. If anything, he has a better chance of changing
his parents’ beliefs while he’s still residing with them and can be a
living, breathing, daily testament to the reality (and permanence) of
his homosexuality.
Thank you for one of your best columns to
date.
Ryan
•••
I do not think that you went far enough with
your advice, Dan, and I’m going to spell it out for all of your readers
who feel trapped by their “peers” in school, all those kids who are
being harassed and abused by their fellow students: There is life
outside of your high school. I don’t just mean that one day you will
graduate and move on, I mean that there are millions of people in this
country alone, and some of them will think you’re made entirely out of
awesome.
Tired And Losing It and CPAC are lucky
because they live in the age of computers and the internet. Reach out
into the world and look for people who share your passions, find the
people who care about the issues that interest you, search for the rest
of your “tribe,” and if they’re trapped and isolated like you are,
offer them your support and affection.
Don’t wait until college to seek out your
true peers. Start looking for them now, and please don’t judge yourself
based upon what those assholes at your high school think of you.
Been There, Survived That
•••
Big fan, Dan. However, your usually reliable
web savvy was notably absent in your responses to gay teens last week.
Positive self-affirmations in the mirror and vilifiers directed at
small minds worked in the old days, when you and I grew up as gay boys
without the internet. Today, GLBT teens have virtual communities at
their fingertips that offer support, tangible resources, and
connections to others. I should know… I work with many of them.
Please promote these invaluable lifelines: www.matthewshepard.org, www.pointfoundation.org, www.gayteens.org, www.advocatesforyouth.org.
GJP
•••
I am a counselor in a large school, and the
brass responded with similar claims of “We’ll need proof to move
forward” when an out student was being harassed. The student got hold
of a pro-bono civil-rights lawyer who had a quick, quiet discussion
with the school CEO. The next month, our school started a series of
awareness workshops and training, sponsored a gay/lesbian/bi/straight
alliance club, and treated any incidence of sexual harassment with the
same vigor that they would a reported pedophile teacher.
A little lawyerly talk can go a long
way.
Been There, Seen That
•••
It is quite obvious that you have a
contemptuous air about you. That’s fine. The bar isn’t all that high,
and your advice is usually helpful, if painfully obvious. Having said
that, I would like to say this to you about your answer to the
16-year-old old gay boy whose parents are evangelical Christians: We
don’t know these people on a personal basis. They probably love their
child but are quite frightened by something they find alien and
incomprehensible. But the true viciousness is in your knee-jerk,
intemperate and DANGEROUS “advice.” I, unlike you, have the privilege
and burden of parenting a teenage boy and I know that one must be very
careful about what ideas you put in their heads. Fantasies of killing
their parents or of their deaths? Now that’s vicious. What if this poor
kid actually did something irrevocable and tragic? Why not address an
open letter to the boy’s parents, gently reminding them of the values
and love they should cultivate in the true spirit of their religion, or
recommend a local counselor that they can see as a family? Much more
useful and, possibly, productive.
Don’t Go There
•••
Just wanted to thank you for your recent
column. I’m in college now, but I remember well how lonely and
isolating the high-school years can be. It’s sort of a strange time
today because I know a number of gay people who came out at 12, their
parents joined PFLAG, they started their schools’ GSAs, etc., and then
there are the rest of us who suffered through something significantly
less friendly. There’s not much advice to give these kids except the
same old mantra: You have worth, keep hanging on, and get yourself into
a better environment as soon as you can. Though the advice is pretty
simple, unfortunately there aren’t enough people out there saying it.
I’m sure you gave a lot of anxious, lonely teens a little hope and
perspective.
J
•••
There’s one important step TALI should take
that you missed. She needs to check her state laws regarding
discrimination against gays and lesbians. It could be that even though
she lives in a small, intolerant town, it could be in a state that has
laws barring such discrimination. If so, she should contact a lawyer,
who could then threaten the school district with a budget-busting
lawsuit unless they actively do something to end the harassment.
Usually, the threat of such a lawsuit is enough to get some action.
Pissed Off At Bigots
•••
You should add information about resources
to your answers to TALI and CPAC. They should contact PFLAG (Parents,
Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). If there isn’t a chapter in
the towns where they live, they could still contact nearby chapters for
support. LGBT people often attend PFLAG meetings in order to have
contact with parents and other adults who welcome and accept them.
National PFLAG website is www.pflag.org
SKR
•••
I hope that you will refer CPAC to a recent
excellent documentary about five Christian families who found that they
had a gay child and how they handled it [For the Bible Tells Me
So]. One woman featured in the film listened to [James] Dobson
[from Focus on the Family] and wrote a disapproving letter, her
daughter hanged herself in a closet, she studied what the Bible really
said, and now she spends her life offering the acceptance and
encouragement to gay children that it is too late to give her own
daughter.
To me and so many other people, the God of
the Bible, through Jesus Christ, is essential for a life worth living.
The Bible does not condemn gay people unless you decide to interpret it
that way; more and more churches are making room for gay people as
valuable members.
JAB
•••
I’m a junior-high-school teacher (and former
teenager), and I want to give a copy of that column to every kid I care
about who’s getting shit for being different—in whatever way
they’re different. Those three paragraphs are going to help more people
than anything else I’ve read in a long, long time. They’ll help people
get through tough times, probably even help some who otherwise wouldn’t
get through them alive. Thank you.
PR
•••
Here’s a question you should have asked
CPAC: When exactly is his 18th birthday? My birthday falls in
January, which meant that I was able to leave the house and high school
soon after the big 1-8. For three years, I plotted to earn enough
credits to graduate from high school early. I graduated after the first
semester in my senior year—which happened to be 10 days
after my birthday—and I was able to sign myself out of
school, legally being an adult. My parents screamed and gave the school
a headache, but I was legally in the right and there was nothing they
could do about it. (Even though I did have to threaten to sic the ACLU
on the school.) That semester after graduation, I worked 12-hour days
as a diner waitress to earn some cash; enough to truly tell them to
suck it.
Why was finishing school early a good thing?
Because I was able to work that whole semester and save money for
college. This is why CPAC needs to plan ahead. CPAC, if you’re reading
this, get a job right now. Work your ass off and lie your ass
off about how much money you are making and hide it better than you
hide your porn. Save! You can only really tell your parents to suck it
when you’re 18 if you don’t need them to write checks for you. Apply
for a bunch of colleges (let your parents write the checks for the
applications) and ask the ones where you’re accepted what sort of
financial aid they offer if your parents won’t support you because you
are gay. Some colleges won’t understand and those places aren’t for you
anyway. But some will. Then tell your parents to suck it and know
you’ve earned the right to say it loud and proud. They may decide to
come around and if they do, tell them to bring their checkbook, because
they’ll owe you.
Suck It, Dad
•••
Maybe you should confine your advice to
adults, if the only advice you have for kids coming out is to grin and
bear it until you’re out of high school, hide, and lie to your parents
and others. Maybe you should have invited some experts to weigh in,
like people who are experienced helping teens.
Your advice is dangerous. Don’t you know
that hiding and lying can lead to not only thoughts of suicide, but to
suicide itself?
Would you recommend that your son or
daughter or niece or nephew lead a marginalized lifestyle, living in
fear and shame until he or she is able to graduate and get out of town?
Would you want your son or daughter to be subject to name-calling,
threats, and destruction of property?
Realistically there is no easy answer, but
you dropped the ball and you suck, you aren’t helping at all. In fact,
you’re hurting. I’ve read your column for a long time, but now it’s
time to stop.
A Former Reader
•••
Just wanted to shoot you a line and let you
know you were spot-on with the advice you gave the 16-year-old gay boy:
Tell your parents what they want to hear, even if you have to lie. I
know, because it’s exactly what I had to do. I was raised on a farm in
a conservative Southern Baptist family in rural Missouri. I knew from
the time I was 13 or 14 that I was gay, but I wasn’t going to let them
know. I could only imagine the horrors that existed for that, and this
was preinternet so I didn’t even know parent-sanctioned torture
organizations like Exodus existed.
The only advice I’d add for this kid is when
it’s time for college, go with a state or secular private school. He
needs to be firm in not letting his parents push him into one of those
god-awful Christian schools that provide degrees like “biblical
history.” If money is a concern, go to a state school. That’s what I
did and now I’m 31, pulling in six figures, I own my home, and have a
partner of several years.
Life Does Get Better
•••
I’ve been reading your column for a few
months now and it’s always educational and entertaining. Your last
column about gay kids really, at the risk of sounding corny, inspired
me. I’m 17, gay, and out. While I go to a very liberal high school in a
generally liberal city, high school still sucks, especially when you’re
gay. “Right now they’re making you feel like an outcast, TALI, and the
malice stings,” you wrote. “But what exactly are they casting you out
of? Your high school? Their asshole cliques? That shit town? You
haven’t been cast out, TALI; you’ve been liberated. Freed. Sprung.”
Right fuckin’ on, Dan. Thanks. I needed to hear that.
Liberated, Freed, Sprung In
D.C.
•••
A friend of mine in high school was going
through pretty much the exact same thing as CPAC and his parents
decided to send him to a therapist to “fix” him. What his parents
didn’t realize, of course, is that homosexuality isn’t in the DSM
IV anymore, and his therapist spent an hour every week helping him
come to terms with his sexuality and deal with his parents’ hatred. At
the end, he was very well-adjusted and happy, and his parents were
pissed that the therapy didn’t “work.” I recommend that CPAC ask his
parents for therapy and get comfy being a homo on their fundamentalist
dime.
Been There, Counseled That
•••
I just read this week’s column and I’m
applauding your advice to CPAC—the gay teenage boy with abusive
evangelical parents—except for one aspect. You suggested that he
get himself a “fag hag,” which could backfire on him in two major
ways.
First of all, this means getting a second
innocent kid tangled up with his demented parents, who will not only be
pestering him about their relationship, but will likely also
demand to know every little detail of her life. The other
issue is that if he does decide to go down the fake-girlfriend path,
he’s going to have to find a best female friend who can be trusted not
only to keep his secret, but also to understand that no, his
homosexuality is not just a phase and that there is no chance
of a real romantic relationship between them. If he isn’t careful and
totally honest with this girl in the beginning, there’s a big risk of
her developing serious feelings for him and getting her heart
broken.
Fags And Hags Need Love
•••
I don’t mean to interfere in your job too
much, but could you issue a bit of clarification in your advice to
CPAC, and by extension, to other young men who are forced into the
closet? You said, “get yourself a fag hag.” Could you please add,
“…who knows she’s a fag hag”? When I was in high school, two friends
of mine, male and female, were going out. She was constantly miserable.
She wanted what people want out of their significant others: physical
signs of affection. He told her she was a slut for asking for it. Then
he started telling her that he’d want her more if only she weren’t so
ugly, or loud, or aggressive, or whatever excuse he could come up with
that week. I, far from straight myself, suggested to her that he might
be gay. He swore up and down that it wasn’t so, even as she swore she’d
be supportive, and told her I was just jealous.
She thought the world of him, and would
never have outed him or betrayed him to his parents. Instead, she
turned herself into a silent, meek little doll in the vain hope that
he’d like her more if she were more “feminine.” Feminine was the last
thing he wanted. He came out as soon as he went to college and never
spoke to her again.
Fucking some poor, insecure straight girl
over isn’t fair, even if you’re gay and your parents are assholes.
Latter-Day Dyke
•••
Regarding CPAC’s parents finding his
gay-porn web-browsing history: I wanted to let you know that anyone can
view online porn with impunity, using Firefox and an add-on called
Distrust. You simply start a Distrust session, view all the porn your
heart (or any other organ) desires, then when you exit the browser or
turn Distrust back off, your history, cache, etc. return to the state
they were in before the session. It’s like you were never there and it
is MUCH better than leaving behind a telltale, completely blank
history. Only a savvy user would realize the add-on was installed, and
even then they wouldn’t know it had been used or what tracks it had
erased.
Loves Internet Porn, Privacy
•••
I thought CPAC might like to know about an
awesome little program called HeatSeek. It’s made for surfing and
storing porn on your computer all hidden away and safely encrypted. It
covers your surfing tracks and has a ton of neat features like mystery
program icon, multiple “kill switches,” has password protection, and
even an “I’m busted” password that opens up a completely different
program, plus a bunch of other neat features (and that’s just the free
version).
I’m not a spokesperson for the company or
anything like that, I’m just a satisfied user. (I’ve got a long-term
girlfriend who’s really awesome but not big on what she considers “too
much” porn surfing, i.e., more than once a month.)
HeatSeek Up Suckers, Hide Ur
Porno
•••
I noticed in his letter that CPAC said he
forgot to delete his browser history. I, too, have forgotten to delete
porn in the past and paid the price. But there’s a great, small program
out there called Browzar (www.browzar.com). It’s a very small copy
of Internet Explorer that leaves no history on your computer of what
you surfed. No caches, no “sites last visited,” no nothing. It’s small
enough that you could delete it every time you’re done jerking off and
reload it before you get your next chubby, but I’m guessing CPAC’s
parents wouldn’t notice an extra program on the desktop, anyway. It’s a
great way to look at porn or anything else on the internet, for that
matter, without any repercussions. I figured this is something all your
readers, but especially CPAC, would appreciate.
Geek Is So Sexy
•••
To the 16-year-old boy whose ultrareligious
parents are savagely repressing any hint of his homosexuality: You
don’t have to wait two years. This is abuse and grounds for
emancipation. You can become emancipated at the age of 16. The downside
is that you’ll have to get a job, and it will be tougher for you to
finish high school. But it can be done. Perhaps there’s a gay youth
support group that can help you. Good luck!
Paying Rent Since 17
•••
A suggestion for CPAC: When you’re 18, come
out LOUDLY while IN YOUR PARENTS’ CHURCH! Have a bodyguard and be by
the door. Not only will this be great payback for the hell they put you
through, CPAC, but you may actually save some younger kids sitting in
the pews who are in the same situation you are.
Thirty years ago, a choirmaster at my church
loudly told off a priest during mass. It was a turning point in my life
(and the lives of several friends). The choirmaster was in his 40s, a
big guy, wore glasses. And one Sunday during mass ,up in the organ
loft, he began repeating part of the sermon that had just been
delivered. It was on the “sins of deviants.” At first we thought he was
repeating part of the sermon because he agreed with it—like he
was going to call for “amens!” or something from the congregation,
which would be a strange thing to do in a white, Catholic church. But
then he just went off! He started shouting about all he did for this
blankety-blank church, and how he and his partner had to cower in the
shadows, and he kept going from there! Every time the priest tried to
rebuke him, he’d point out some crazy-ass shit the church had done: the
Inquisition, drowning witches, the ban on birth control. Parents were
covering their childrens’ ears, lots of people were yelling, some
people were cheering.
He was fired on the spot and heckled out as
he slowly walked out of the church. BUT! The local Catholic school run
by nuns, the school I attended, refused to fire him, made him a full
music teacher, and he was there under their protection until he passed
away.
That one angry choirmaster opened a lot of
hearts and minds that day. You can, too.
A Grateful Member Of The Choir
•••
I want TALI and CPAC to know that my heart
goes out to them. I wasn’t treated nearly as horribly as they were, but
I did get a lot of teasing for the rest of high school. I wish I’d had
the courage to come out in high school, but I was raised Mormon. I had
very little fun in high school and I was glad to get away. In the 10
years that followed, I came out, started dating guys openly, and made a
life for myself—a life I’m quite proud of. When the letter for my
10-year class reunion came around, I just tossed it in the trash. There
was no way I was going to let those people treat me that way again. A
week before the reunion, however, I felt an uncontrollable urge to go.
I couldn’t explain it. I just decided that I was going to show up,
snickers and jeers be damned. But I was wrong. The outpouring of love
and friendship was almost too much to take. Every time I turned around,
I ran into someone else who had heard I’d come out and wanted to
express how happy they were for me. The whole weekend was incredibly
cathartic. The memories hadn’t changed, but the people had.
Will it be the same for you? I certainly
hope so.
Happy Mormon Cocksucker
•••
I’m a big fan of your column and have been
reading it for years. I usually agree with your advice, but I have to
take issue with your statement that TALI would have to go to a big
university or secular private institution in order to find a welcoming
community. As someone who went to a private, Lutheran liberal-arts
college, I would have to say that this is definitely not the case. The
school I went to, though not free from homophobes, was welcoming of gay
and lesbian students. The campus congregation was a member of
Reconciling in Christ (www.lcna.org/ric.shtm), an
organization for congregations and synods that openly welcome gay and
lesbian members into full communion (and do NOT try to “convert” them
to heterosexuality or judge them for being who they are).
Christianity (Lutheranism, for me) is
supposed to be welcoming and loving, not judgmental. Granted, the ELCA
(my particular flavor of Lutheran) has a long way to go in its
treatment of gay and lesbian members, especially when it comes to
ordination and marriage, but we are having these discussions, and many
congregations are becoming more open even though the umbrella
organization has yet to follow.
Liberal Lutheran
•••
Twelve years ago, I was TALI; lost in a
small town, alone, the only out lesbian for miles, and worse, there was
no such thing as the internet. At least, not where I lived. I came out,
like TALI, hoping it would inspire other people to do the same. Also
like TALI, my efforts backfired on me instead. I was constantly
harassed, had things thrown at me, nearly got raped by a do-gooder
classmate at a party who blearily insisted he could turn me straight…
the list goes on.
I left that small town and eventually wound
up in New York City. I now run my own business, work comfortably from
home, and spend my nights curled around the girl of my dreams. The
asshats responsible for making my high-school experience a living hell
are back in that shitty hometown, working shit jobs, and raising
stupid, ugly children with their stupid, ugly wives. The highlight of
their week is Friday night pizza and beer in front of the
television.
So I wanted to write to confirm what you’ve
already said to TALI: “The shits conspiring to make you miserable,
TALI, are unlikely to have lives anywhere near as interesting as the
one on which you’re about to embark.” TALI, please know that there are
about a million or more women out here who are so proud of you for
coming out and we’re all rooting for your inevitable success.
Can’t Think Of Anything Clever