Guess what? I just ate an entire pork log! But here’s the funny
thing: I didn’t even know it was a pork log when I bought it!
See, I was at this Vietnamese grocery store purchasing one of those
crazy delicious banh mi sandwiches (you should try one), and the pork
logs were sitting right next to them. But I had no idea what it
was! They’re brown like a sandwich, and they’re cylindrical like a
sandwich. So I asked the Vietnamese counter lady, “Hey… is this a
sandwich?” And she said something like, “Puk lug.” I said, “Excuse
me?”
“PUK… LUG.”
Somewhere in the back of my head I was thinking, “Did she just say
‘pork log’?” Then I thought, “Noooo. Couldn’t be. It’s right there with
the sandwiches.” So I pointed at it again, and asked the lady a little
too loudly, “IS THERE PORK INSIDE OF THIS?” She looked at me
like I was probably insane, and said, “Uhhh… yeah.” That’s all
I needed to hear. I BOUGHT IT!
Anyway, the pork log is about the size of a hoagie, yet mysteriously
weighed at least eight pounds. I carried it away, cradled in my arms,
stroking it like a cat. Even when I was unwrapping it I was still 94
percent sure it was a sandwich. Then I bit into it.
“WAITASECOND… THAT’S NO SANDWICH,” I yelled. “THAT’S A PORK
LOG!” Unfortunately, it was kind of delicious. I say
“unfortunately” because I ate all eight pounds in roughly 37
minutes.
What do pork logs have to do with TV? Just this: Your television is
like a pork log. Now, you can be an idiot (like me) and eat your entire
pork log in well under an hour, or you can bite off three delicious
hunks and be satisfied for days as the hunks slowly decompose in your
stomach. May I suggest these three hunks of pork?
• Rock the Cradle (MTV, Thurs April 3, 10 pm). It’s
humiliating enough to be the son or daughter of a famous rock
star—so why not pit them against each other in an American
Idol–style singing competition? Get ready to groan in
horrified satisfaction as Jesse Money (daughter of Eddie), Crosby
Loggins (son of Kenny), Lil Al B. Sure (son of “big” Al B. Sure), and
many more compete to see who can be the least disappointing to their
parents!
• Battlestar Galactica (SCIFI, Fri April 4, 10 pm).
WHOOPEE! It’s the fourth-season premiere of BSG, and no, that’s
not a pork log in my pants! Though Apollo swears he saw her
viper explode, Starbuck mysteriously returns to the Galactica to
reunite with her Cylon hubby (who secretly wants to slip her his
mechanical log of pork).
• Secret Talents of the Stars (CBS, Tues April 8, 10
pm). D-list celebs battle to see who’s the most “secretly talented.”
Will it be Star Trek‘s George Takei, who’s also a C&W
singer? Or wrestler Ric Flair, trying to salsa dance? Or will it be
world-famous TV columnist Wm.™ Steven Humphrey eating an
eight-pound pork log? Like the pork log’s list of ingredients—the
possibilities are endless!