It might as well be time for a revival of biker exploitation films,
right? Quentin Tarantino, who executive-produced Hell Ride,
obviously thinks so, and the cast of this film seems like just the
leathery crew to do it. Larry Bishop (Angels Unchained) wrote
the screenplay, headlines the cast, and directs, and he brings Dennis
Hopper along for the ride. They’re joined by old hands like David
Carradine (basically reprising his Kill Bill role, only with 90
percent less charisma) and slightly younger tough guys like Michael
Madsen (as a tuxedo-wearing killer named The Gent) and Vinnie
Jones.
The problem is that Bishop and Hopper look pathetic—Hopper,
especially, resembles rickety old Stan Lee in his Marvel Comics movie
cameos. But Bishop, as motorcycle gang leader Pistolero, is clearly
supposed to be awe-inspiring. His main squeeze, played by Leonor
Varela, humps flat surfaces the minute she sees him: “Let’s fuck right
here,” she begs him, “We’ve never fucked here before. Let’s fuck right
now.” “I was built for hell,” Bishop spits in a sad approximation of a
tough guy growl. “I’m your very own personal hellcat,” Varela pouts,
spreading her gorgeous legs and alluding to her “hellhole.”
Which brings us to Bishop’s script. As Pistolero fights the
villainous 666 motorcycle gang in an incomprehensible plot that
involves—oh, God, no—a peyote trip, he and his gang
drop wince-inducing puns and rhymes and alliteration with all the
self-importance of a drunken poetry slam. It’s painful to watch the
vanity and brain-dead “artistic” flourishes. Still, Jones, as a
cunnilingus-loving monster, and Madsen, doing his best Michael Madsen
impersonation, have some memorable moments. One day a Mystery
Science Theater 3000–style mockery of this film will tap its
genius; until that time, Hell Ride should probably be avoided.