Today I am in a veritable state of ecstasy, because this week the
new 90210 debuts (CW, Tues Sept 2, 8 pm)!
YAY! The “teen drama gods” have obviously heard our cries,
and—after finally realizing that Gossip Girl just isn’t as
good as everyone claims—have bestowed upon us a brand-new show
spotlighting teens and their nudist hormonal tendencies. OKAY,
FINE. Obviously 90210 isn’t exactly “new” since it’s a thinly
disguised remake of the holiest of all teen dramas, Beverly Hills
90210. HOWEVER! It does have the three attributes that all
successful teen dramas must have: (1) teen hunks, (2) teen whores, and
(3) morally impotent parents.
Plus, the basic structure is still intact: Siblings move from the
red Midwest to the decidedly blue West Hollywood, where they must
quickly adapt to a high-school environment that doesn’t look kindly
upon hillbillies. Soon enough, however, they quickly make friends,
enemies, and “frenemies,” with the school rebel, jock, and
aforementioned hot teen whore.
BUT HERE’S MY MAJOR MALFUNCTION. “Teen dramas” should be what their
name implies, with the emphasis on “TEEN.” So when you throw too many
adults into the mix, it not only screws up the balance of the
teen-drama universe, it seriously cuts into time when the teens can be
engaging in drugs, booze, steroid abuse, homosexuality, fistfights,
unwanted pregnancies, and most importantly, poolside nudity.
Now I had no problem with the original 90210‘s
adult-to-nude-teen ratio: There were the Walshes, that horny perv who
ran the Peach Pit—and that was IT. However, in the newest
incarnation, you’ve not only got the mom, dad, and the Peach Pit perv,
there are also a couple of teachers played by decrepit original 90210 cast members! Remember Kelly Taylor (Jennie
Garth)? THE TEEN WHORE? Now she’s the new guidance counselor at West
Hollywood High! Hopefully she’s not giving birth-control advice,
because—take it from me—a shaken bottle of 7-Up does
not work.
Also returning to the fold is Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty) who is
best remembered for having a weird droopy left eye, and making
everyone’s life on the set a living hell. Well, for reasons unknown,
Shannen has been invited back to play the high-school drama teacher
(with a probable emphasis on DRAMA) and freak everybody out with her
droopy left eye.
Who’s missing? Well, Tori Spelling was supposed to return as the
faux virgin Donna Martin, until she reportedly learned that Shannen and
Jennie were making more money and so told the studio to kiss her
surgically restored ass. Luke Perry and Ian Ziering (aka Dylan McKay
and Steve Sanders) have also refused to come back because of sadly
misplaced superiority complexes, and as for Gabrielle Carteris
(Andrea Zuckerman)? I’m pretty sure she died in an old folks home in
1998 at the ripe old age of 127. So I guess she’s out.
BUT HERE’S MY POINT: The fewer adults on this show, the better! I
say send these 90210 alum-nuts to the garbage heap where they
belong, and focus on the next generation. Let’s celebrate the
hot teen whores of tomorrow! 
Thursday, August 28
8:00 FOX The Moment of Truth
This lie-detector game show returns with a special two-hour
marriage-destroying episode.
10:30 COM Reality Bites Back
The comedians compete in The Amazing Disgrace—which probably
won’t do much for their self-esteem.
Friday, August 29
9:00 ANI Grizzly Man Diaries
Debut! A man documents his time studying grizzly bears, while
avoiding having his ass removed.
11:00 HBO Real Time with Bill Maher
The caustic comedian returns with more politically inspired
snark.
Saturday, August 30
9:00 BBCA Primeval
An ancient evil arises from the deep just so it can take a big crap
all over London.
Sunday, August 31
9:00 BBCA Skins
For reasons unknown, Chris suffers at school after taking a crazy
amount of drugs.
10:00 AMC Mad Men
Don’s new secretary experiences trouble on the job. (Too bad “sexual
harassment” hasn’t been invented yet.)
Monday, September 1
8:00 CW Gossip Girl
Season premiere! A brand-new season of the show that isn’t nearly as
good as everyone wishes it were.
10:00 ABC/NBC Republican National Convention
Hilarity ensues when Republicans try to drum up interest in a
candidate they can’t stand.
Tuesday, September 2
8:00 ABC Wipeout
Tragedy strikes the Wipeout set when a contestant successfully
completes the course without a single wipeout.
10:00 FX The Sheild
Season premiere! Bald-headed badass Vic Mackey is back with the
newest (and final) slam-bang season!
Wednesday, September 3
8:00 CW America’s Next Top Model
Season premiere! They should really rename this show. Has Tyra EVER
actually found a “top model”?
10:00 FX Sons of Anarchy
Debut! Outlaw bikers are featured in this new reality show, which I
will not make fun of because they will kill me.