I’m a 38-year-old straight
male in a long-term relationship. We have two children. My
spouse and I have been physically disconnected for years. This led to
some rather sleazy adulterate behavior on my part. We recently
discussed the topic (at which time I informed her of my indiscretions);
we have decided to remain together for our children because we work
well together as parents and we are good friends. We have also decided
to “open” our relationship. We both want the same thing: a companion of
the opposite sex, a lover. My spouse has one. It is someone I am
acquainted with, and I know him to be a responsible person. I have been
looking, but no luck. I posted an ad online, but only managed to
attract a Russian scammer. Some direction would be appreciated.

I should mention that I am very
good-looking, in superb physical condition, charismatic, and highly
educated.

All Too Human

Don’t let modesty prevent you from listing
modesty among your many qualities, ATH, as the chicks really dig that
modesty stuff. Okay, so…

You’re looking for a companion of the
opposite sex, a lover, someone who understands you’re committed to
staying in your marriage for the sake of the kids, someone you know to
be trustworthy, someone who gets the whole open-relationship
concept…

How about the wife?

I know, I know: You two physically
disconnected after the births of your children; you engaged in some
sleazy adulterate behavior. But that’s all out in the open now and
you’ve decided to stay together because you’re good parents, partners,
and friends, and you’ve opened the relationship up to seek
friends-with-benefits, as the straight people call ’em, or fuck
buddies, as we gay people like to call ’em.

But why not have sex with each other,
anyway?

Not exclusively, of course. It’s important
that you leave things open, ATH, because openness may help your wife
realize that Person A
can be married to Person B, have sex with
Person C (and perhaps Persons D and E), and still be a loving spouse to
Person B. If she’s at all introspective, ATH, your wife will come to
this realization because that’s what she herself is doing. She’s
having sex with another man, while being a good and loving wife to you
and a good and loving mom to her kids.

Once she has this realization—that
love and commitment, and not sexual exclusivity, is the bond that you
two share—she may be able to forgive you your pre-open-marriage
adulterate behavior. And you may be able to restore your sexual
connection, even if you never become completely sexually exclusive
again.

In the meantime, ATH, there are many more
frustrated married men seeking sex online than there are frustrated
married women. But since your deal with the wife doesn’t exclude mutual
friends and acquaintances—look who she’s with—then there’s
no need for you to troll online. Be open and honest with friends about
your situation and your search. If you really are the superb,
charismatic, and highly educated piece of ass you claim to be, you’ll
soon be fielding offers from single female friends and/or secretly
frustrated married female friends.

For some reason, I have always
found Native Americans to be sexually attractive. But the semidark skin
and traditional breechcloth thing isn’t easy to find in porn or real
life. I was wondering if you had some pointers for someone with a bad
case of Native American Jungle Fever.

Native
Amateur

“The letter writer is correct,” says Sherman
Alexie, a Native American and a National Book Award–winning
author who was willing to demean himself by giving me a quote. “There
is a dearth of Native American porn.”

But Alexie tells me that once, while hunting
for antique board games, he typed “cowboy and Indian action figures”
into Google and found his way to a site that featured U.S. Cavalry
soldiers and loinclothed Indians smoking more than peace pipes. But
that’s all he’s got, pornwise. As for real life…

“There’s just no way your reader is going to
find an Indian willing to put on a loincloth for sexual purposes,” says
Alexie. “Unless that Indian is a seriously damaged, culturally
disconnected, politically unaware, and unsafe-sex-practicing slut.”

I part ways with Alexie here. Not because I
know more about Native Americans or Native American kinks. Goodness,
no. But over the years, I’ve heard from too many healthy, politically
aware, and sexually safe African Americans who dig role-playing slavery
scenarios—and too many good Jews who get off on
concentration-camp scenarios, and too many polite Canadians who adore
clueless-American-tourist scenarios (“Ooh, ask me who our ‘president’
is again!”)—to rule out the possibility that there are smart,
safe Native Americans genuinely interested in role-playing
cowboys-in-injuns out there somewhere. But they’re gonna be rare,
NA.

So what can you do to up your odds of
finding the action you seek?

“If the letter writer is an attractive blond
female,” says Alexie, “she can head to the next powwow in the region
where she lives, pick out a handsome fancydancer, and hit on him.
She’ll either get laid in the back of a casino-money-financed SUV or
she’ll get assaulted by a roving band of Indian women looking to
protect our most precious and dwindling resource: Native American
men.”

Dan, I need to know. What
bodily function is the opposite of an orgasm? Thanks a
lot.

Could Use More

“Though it’s not exactly a bodily function,
the back spasm is the opposite of an orgasm,” says Sherman Alexie, the
National Book Award–winning author.

“Why did he send that question to Alexie?”
some of my readers are no doubt asking themselves. That is a question
only a thoughtless bigot would ask and I shouldn’t dignify it with a
response. But let’s approach this as a teaching moment: I sent this
question to Alexie because he is the father of two and, we can
reasonably extrapolate, the haver of orgasms, which more than qualifies
him. Back to Alexie:

“While the orgasm is the pleasurable release
of stress, the back spasm is the painful reminder of collected and
unexpelled stress. I am currently typing one-handed because I am
shoving my fist deep into my lower back as some sort of half-assed
pressure-point massage. Of course, since the U.S. has become a
chair-and-computer culture, the number of people who are currently
massaging their wrecked backs is vastly larger than the number who are
massaging their sexual organs.”

And when you pause to consider that all of
the U.S. and most of Canada were basically built on top of a giant
Indian graveyard, I’d say we’re getting off easy with a little
lower-back pain. recommended

mail@savagelove.net

63 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. Depending on where Native Amateur lives, he or she could try to volunteer or get a paid job at an company or non-profit on or serving a reservation. I don’t know if trolling casinos is such a good idea.

  3. Trolling pow-wows is a good idea though. Even if your local tribe is mostly white-looking, there will be plenty of dancers, musicians, and traders at the pow-wow who have the traditional looks, and I’m sure they can’t all be taken. I’m Native American, but my Norwegian ancestry overpowers the Mohegan, leaving me looking pretty white. Otherewise I’d ask for the writer’s gender and location, and maybe get lucky.

  4. You know how sometimes when you are quenching your thirst, and then after you take in a huge mouthfull of liquid and then for some unknown reason you have an uncontrollable urge to cough, and in stead of coughing and expelling the drink from your mouth, you force yourself to swallow the entire mouthfull of liquid first, very painfully, and then cough…..I would say that is the opposite of an orgasm.

  5. I could swear I saw the first letter in a previous column. Not that I’m going to look, or anything. But damn that first letter (and Dan’s response) sounds so familiar.

  7. The first question and answer appeared on Slog, so that explains why it looks so familiar. Of course, there’s one little wrinkle in Savage’s advice: what if the wife isn’t interested?

  11. Thanks for adding Sherman Alexie’s input. I’m a rabid fan of his work, and I found his answer to the racist question the perfect blend of humor and f**k you. If the Native Amateur wants porn, he should adapt what the Hollywood westerns used to do: get a lily white person to dye their hair black, put on a fringed strap-on, and press ‘record.’

  14. You can ask but you can’t ask someone to be what they are not. Especially if they’re pausing the action to ask questions like: “Is this alright?” “Am I doing it right?”

  15. Sorry, Jules, but I had the misfortune to (very briefly) date a Jewish man who liked to imagine I was a big blonde German dominatrix in an SS uniform, for that whole submission thing. Not my cup of bratwurst.

  16. As a connoisseur of Indian girls, I think Mr. Alexie’s advice is pretty accurate. He is like the Native American Dan Savage when it comes to stuff like that. Funny and dead on.

  18. Sorry, but there are more people massaging their sex organs than massaging their sore backs. There are more males, 99% of whom do so, than people who own computers. Or, for that matter, chairs. And yes, you’ll have noticed this doesn’t even include the females.
    Zing! ^_^

  19. Problem is, most of us honkies don’t know how to tell a “healthy, politically aware” Native from an unhealthy, politically unaware one, because we ourselves may not be the sharpest tools in the box when it comes to understanding Indigenous definitions of “health” and “political awareness”. If we’re going to obey the campfire rule and “leave them better than we found them”, I think we need to begin with educating ourselves about the politics and health movements within Indigenous culture, so we can avoid contributing to unhealthy manifestations of Cowboy/Injun fetish. And I agree, Dan, that healthy manifestations of this fetish on BOTH sides will be vastly outnumbered by unhealthy manifestations. However, since a major complaint of Indigenous folks about us white folks is that our stereotypes of Natives are loud enough to drown out any knowledge of Indigenous realities, I would guess that there are more unhealthy white people with the fetish than there are Indigenous, just going by the numbers.

  20. Mr. Alexie– if you replace the chair in front of your computer with an exercise ball, you may be able to sit for a long time without lower back pain. I used to spend 8 hours a day in front of a computer, and that solved the problem for me.

  22. Holy $hit, Dan, this guy’s like a seriously respected writer. I’m impressed! Sheesh, who’s your next guest writer, Salman Rushdie (that’s actually not a bad idea…)

  23. Native Amateur should find herself a nice Mexican boy with dark skin and “native” looks. Plenty of us would be willing to put on a loincloth and dance around a fire for her, right before we spear her with our big shaft. Oh wait, we’ve probably all been deported from her area…doh! I guess you’re all stuck with your own Indians…

  25. As a Jew girl, I don’t exactly find concentration camp scenarios sexy… but tight S.S. uniforms on the other hand, well….
    Go Dan! Not all of us who fantasize about S.S. uniforms are self-hating Jews. I’m sure some of us are but hey, you take what you can.

  26. Damn, Dan! Sherman Alexie! He actually wrote some Native American porn, I recall. Featured a very graphic ass-fucking. He’s a good go-to guy. The opposite of an orgasm for me is a dental abscess that requires a root canal. Any dental experience is a bad one, even with all the nitrous in the world.

  27. Why are people assuming that it’s a girl who has the Native American fetish? Historically, white men intermarried with Native American females, not vice versa. So any advice on how the white guy can score the Native girl? I’d say again, the Mexicanas are your best chance, depending on where you live.

  28. Native American porn? Well, as a technicality, romance novels don’t “self-identify” as porn, but there are half a million or so romance novels (most of them complete with at least two graphic sex scenes) out there, starting with “Savage Love” by Cassie Edwards (http://www.amazon.com/Savage-Love-Leisure-Paperback/dp/0843950374/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1220894515&sr=1-2)

    On the other hand, I really don’t recommend them. To say they are politically incorrect would only be the beginning of a complaint. But still, one shouldn’t judge too harshly on what lights another’s fires.

  29. I’ve got the answer:

    We all know that an orgasm is the temporary muscle spasm(s) of a reproductive organ, creating a pleasurable sensation, often involving discharge or secretions.

    So, what would be the opposite of this? A lengthy, non-pleasurable, dry, sustained calm from an a non-organ that’s focused on non-production.

    In other words: A headache.

    And I believe this is the exact reason used by some partners to turn down sex: “Not tonight, honey: I have a headache!”

  31. Yo, ATH, while cheating on your committed partners is scummy no matter your flavor of monogamy or polyamory, there are plenty of polyamory communities online that won’t try to shame you out of the choice you and your wife made together. Don’t waste your time posting ads. Find a good poly group online and they can be a wealth of wonderful and unbiased information. Dan, I’m disappointed that your answer comes off as a lecture against open relationships and the poly lifestyle. Maybe it could work for them. It’s worked for hundreds, if not thousands, of couples. And who knows… maybe it can eventually improve their own relationship and help them build a better sex life.

  32. Dan, you did not come off very well today on the show. Your attacking of the children lowers your image.
    If nothing else have a heart for Palin’s kids. Be something better than you’ve shown, not a caddy, crude gay guy that needs to attack minors on national television, talk about sex in such an explicit degrading way, you pretty much suck.

  33. In addition to my last comment, I didn’t mean to say you suck, because that lowers me beneath what I’m trying to convey to you.
    I just want you to realize that Hollywood, Politics is not real life.
    Love and decency towards people, grace and maturity is where it’s at.
    Try and get some of those qualities.
    good luck

  35. Anathema: I have to agree with your analysis of Dan’s (apparent) attitude towards poly relationships. For shame Dan, for shame.
    Another suggestion for ATH would be to check out the pickup community. It’s a little more difficult than meeting people through your social circle, but gaining the skills to meet and seduce women in a relatively short amount of time is definitely worth it.

  38. Hey Savage I found your long lost Twin Brother.

    Its João Barone probably Brazil most famous Rock Drummer. You guys are like twins (he is 2 years older though). He is an amazing drummer plays in a band called Paralamas which have sold millions of records since 1983.

    see photo:
    http://geraldofreire.uol.com.br/paralamas_do_sucesso.jpg

    http://www.praticanet.com/clientes/bigbang/fotos/86Barone.jpg

    http://www.ebatumare.blogger.com.br/foto014.jpg

    On Youtube
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gz7MSM3dWY8

  39. I fucking love how you owned Bill Maher’s show friday night. You’re brilliant. I agreed with you 100%. You so goddamn get it. THANK YOU.

  41. Palin is Good News and Bad News. Mostly Bad.
    The idea of citizen legistlators–moms, auto mechanics, hydraulic engineers…anyone but lawyers–is a refreshing idea. But Palin’s beliefs are chilling. As everyone’s probably heard by now, Palin tried to get some books banned from the Wasilla library. When the librarian wouldn’t budge, Palin tried to have her fired. Only civic protest got Her Honor to back off. Sarah Palin truly believes that Alaska’s much ballyhoed 30 billion dollar gas pipeline is part of God’s plan, as is the Iraq War. (You can access a video of Palin’s speech to her former Church in Wasilla via the Huffington Post). Believe it or not, Palin still isn’t convinced that Global Warming is a result of industry and she believes that creationism should be taught in school. Of course, she is against abortion. She is very charismatic and a great performer, but she’s the devil in disguise. Not quite as bad as Cheney, but closing in.

  42. I was highly disappointed NOT to find the referenced Cowboy and Indian “peace pipe” pics when I googled the same term. However, there are action figures, if your author friend is still looking.

  43. You should get Sherman Alexie hooked on writing sex advice. I bet he’d be great at it.

    (Maybe not in your league, but hey you’ve had a lot of practice. Using Alexie for the third question was astoundingly brilliant.)

  44. I almost could have written the first letter myself (except the modesty part!). That was me a couple years ago, except that it was my wife’s “adulterate” behaviors that launched things. Step One is agreeing on an open marraige structure. As the writer points out, step two is actually putting it into practice which is a lot easier for the woman than the man. Especially if you want to stay ethical (not leading on a single person that you might be or become “available, or seducing a coupled person with no prior desire to stray). But with perseverence, time, and an open-mind regarding methods (online ads, swinger clubs, risking a sexual harassment charge at work to guage interest), it has worked out nicely for us. Wife and I both have a nice array of occasional partners to draw upon (so to speak). We even try to set up concurrent dates so we can leave the house together and maintain illusions for our kids.

  45. With all due respect to Mr. Alexie, I don’t see how an Indian in a breehclout is more “seriously damaged, culturally disconnected, [and] politically unaware” than an Indian wearing cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, and jeans – which, btw, is the traditional garb of the genocidal white men who forced his people onto reservations and tried to destroy their language and culture.

    Although I suppose one could argue that submission to the dominant culture (as expressed by clothes) is, in fact, a sign of being politically aware and culturally connected.

  46. “Native Amateur”, though its not clear what your gender is, something about your note gives me the impression that you’re female. Regardless, given your fantasy, you should probably try tracking down the 80’s movie “Wild, Wild West” with Hyapatia Lee. There have been a few porn stars over the years who have claimed at least partial native ancestry, but very few full-blooded.
    For whatever reason, most have been Cherokee, including Hyaptia Lee, who is arguably the most famous, and who brings alot of enthusiasm and sensuality to her films. Your note made me immediately remember one I saw years ago (sorry, can’t recall the title) in which she and a relatively “native-looking” man dressed in appropriate deerskins made very sexy love inside a tee-pee.
    It was HOT HOT HOT!!!

  48. Well the native americans thing certainly isn’t that rare, i mean lord look at the plethora of romance novels on the subject. You might also try finding a nice hispanic boy, my boyfriend is Peurto-Rican, Jewish, and Asian… a lot of people say he looks native american.

    Though, I swear my un-PC kink is weirder… I get off on Jews in Nazi uniform, playing Nazi to my prisoner… I’m caucasian. Weird I suppose, and undeniably un-pc, though i do feel weirdly gratified knowing the very idea would piss hitler off if he were still alive

  50. Alexie’s answer to what is the opposite of an orgasim is pretty darned close. His assessement of holding stress in the low back is accurate, to a point. The pain could also be associated with disc problems: herniation or rupture or narrowing of the spinal canal. Most people hold their stress in their neck and shoulders, though. As a massage therapist, I hope he’s gotten the continued pain checked out by a medical professional.

  51. OMG Dan! Discussing a native american fantasy in the context of slavery roles or concentration camp fantasies? Ick. These are demeaning roles that should elicit horror and tap into some of the darkest chapters of human history. In contrast, a simple native American fantasy could be no different than a cowboy fantasy (an über icon, ja?). What gay man hasn’t seen depictions of scantily clad natives (be they American or south pacific) and thought “dang!”?

  52. In defense of my own post about Hyapatia Lee, the scene I was referencing was in no way demeaning,
    and the clothing and setting were at least relatively accurate historically. It was intended to portray a wedding night ritual that I have heard of from other sources, though I suppose that doesn’t mean its not legend…the idea that both spouses would take their new lover on a sort of “guided tour” of their body, placing their hand over the spouses hand and showing them where they liked to be touched and with how much pressure. The video was a “couples movie” intended to appeal to both genders and have more emotional depth. I found it one of the most romantic and erotic sex-scenes I’ve ever seen. Maybe it was the lighting, the fur bedding, maybe time has changed my memmory of it. And admittedly, I’ve always liked long, lustrous black hair.

  54. I love Sherman Alexie. He’s absolutely right about the back spasm. In the 8 months since I’ve had an orgasm (and my daughter is 8 months old. coincidence?), I’ve had a back spasm every other day.

  56. hypatia lee and there are other NA porn actresses….as far as dudes…i dunno but Native guys are easy…buy them a frybread and beverage, laugh at his jokes….and there you go…

  57. Theang: monogamy totally exists. For those that want it & have a partner who wants it too. BUT, many times folks will get into a relationship & be too scared to ask for what they really want for fear of their partner being grossed out or turned off..how’d Dan put it..the “what?” moment. But you read Dan’s column so you know that…:)

  58. I love Sherman Alexie’s writing style and his stories. I am thrilled that he is part of this column. It’s unexpectedly awesome.

  61. Cowboys-in-Injuns

    If this was about a black person, you may as well have used the “N” word. As with so much of the Native American past, it’s been forgotten, including and especially the use of derogatory terms. The last time I was referred to as an “Injun”, I tore into the bastard. He may as well have called me a stupid ‘Savage’. Ignorance is absolutely no excuse. Blacks are Blacks, Whites are Whites, Native Americans are Native Americans, and so on. PLEASE STOP using “alternate” terms when “labeling” a people.

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