Thanks for not calling me on my
birthday. I know your absurdly
high-maintenance wife probably wouldn’t let you call since it
might cost money that might one day be hers—after she slowly
bleeds you dry and decimates your manhood with her manipulations,
stressing you out to the point where you will eventually collapse of a
heart attack even though you were in perfect health when you met her.
I’m so glad that you’ve allowed her criminal son to live in your
stupid, overpriced colonial, steal from you, drink your rare wine
collection, use your credit cards, and otherwise stomp all over that
thing you used to call a spine—all because you’re afraid to lose
his mother. She is a disgusting piece of shit, and you are all the more
so for having let her create this vacuous fault between us. I have no
interest in being your daughter any more. I used to think you were my
best friend. I wanted to name my first child after you. But now I know
I will never have children, in the fear that I will one day become the
phony piece of crap parent you have become. Enjoy your trip to Spain.

I hope you and the trophy wife choke on paella and fucking
croak.

46 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  4. Anonymous – Nothing you mention warrants, in my opinion, the extreme degree of anger you express. My advice is get help for your own problems and then judge your father for his.

  5. My dad didn’t call on my last birthday either. We used to be super close, but now he has a new ‘replacement family’. We’re not so close anymore. My dad and I are very similar, I’m afraid to get married/have kids too cause I’m worried I’ll end up like him. Good luck, he sounds awful

  6. It’s too bad your dad didn’t call you on your birthday. But you’re (presumably) an adult now; grow up and get over it! At least you have a dad. Maybe your spoiled, piss-and-moan-it’s-all-about-me attitude is why he didn’t call. Or maybe it’s (gasp!) not about you at all. Your dad has a life too, and you are no longer the center of it.

  7. shane got it right. Print, sign, mail. It sounds like dad cut his daughter out of his life when he found the trophy wife. The fact that dad didn’t call on her birthday is symbolic of a trend.

  8. Sounds almost like we could be siblings. My dad started ignoring the remains of his broken marriage for his new, fixed, family when I was about 12 and my brother was about 7. Braces? No, Missy needs sailing lessons. Help with college? No, new mommy needs to go on a cruise. Oh well, now I know how not to raise my children.

  9. ignore the people who say you are whining. All of that merits the anger. I definitely favor the put your full name on it and send it option. Seriously.

  10. I agree with Nicole. Ignore the people who are telling you to grow up and get over it. People don’t know how you feel and parents can sometimes suck…period. However, if I may suggest something, perhaps you should share your feelings with him for your sake but without being attached to the outcome. He probably wouldn’t respond in the way that you would hope, which is difficult to accept, but better to get it out of you so you can move forward with your life. I’m sorry that your dad sucks! Mine did too. Try, though, to work it out so you don’t make the same mistakes your watching him make. We, as human beings, have a tendency to perpetuate the ways that we grew up with unless we consciously work them out. Good luck and good work on expressing yourself!

  12. Definitely cut him out of your life. I had the same issues with my dad, almost identical, in fact. I never had the courage to cut him out completely and suffered for it. It was only after he died that I finally started to move on.

  16. It seems to miss the point of this forum to accuse those writing here of whining. “I, Anonymous” could be a column about how perfect each author’s life is. Would you read it? No, me either. It’s a venting outlet. There’s no such thing as whining here.

  18. It always hurts regardless, whether parents or siblings. Say how you feel and move on breaking the cycle is important. My experience is two parents who wanted new families and left me behind. The catch is I forgave them let them try and redeem themselves and when that failed I moved on. Good luck enjoy the good people around you sometimes the trade-up is beautiful.

  19. I don’t believe that any of the actions you mentioned deserve that degree of retaliation. As someone who recently dealt with the premature death of her father at the age of 25, I think you should talk to him and try to put aside your differences. Someday, he might not be around anymore and you might regret not working things out.

  21. Sometimes people don’t know when they are being jerks and need a subtle reminder. He may have simply forgotten your birthday and if you bring it to his attention he would apologize. And maybe he doesn’t know his wine is slowly disappearing. I agree with the other posters…. send him a letter. You might be surprised at the response. If not, you know you tried and can move on with a clear mind. Good luck.

  22. Biodork: “Someday, he might not be around anymore and you might regret not working things out.” It sounds like he’s already not around.

    Some people feel like once a kid is grown up, their responsibility ends. These people are called shitty parents. Your dad should not ignore his relationship with you in favor of one with his wife. Send this letter to him, then move on. It sucks, but you can’t waste your life resenting him. Create your own family, and do a better job.

  23. Your situation sounds like mine, except my parents are still married.

    Your dad might be the sort of guy who has to be surrounded by helpless, needy people in order to feel really manly. That would explain his support of wifey and the mooch son-in-law. It would also explain why an independent, self-sufficient child isn’t interesting to him.

    My own father speaks to me three or four times a year, and we see each other once or twice. It’s not that I neglect him: I sent him and my mom on a one-week Caribbean cruise for their 40th. Every week I call the house and talk to whoever’s there who wants to talk to me. I treat both my parents with great respect and always remember their birthdays.

    Fact is, all Dad’s time, care, money, and attention is lavished on my kid brother, who’s an alcoholic screw-up who doesn’t remember their birthdays, never gives them anything, treats them very poorly and never calls unless he wants something. My parents never liked my brother’s girlfriend or mine, but when my brother split up with his girlfriend my parents opened their home, their hearts, and their wallets. When I split up with mine, they said “Oh,” and changed the subject.

    It took me years to realize that my dad in particular is getting an emotional payoff by supporting my bro. Since I’m self-sufficient and don’t “need” a daddy figure, I’m not interesting to him. I could change that very, very easily: all I’d need to do is become a complete screw-up of a mooch. Luckily parental approval and love aren’t important enough to me to justify that kind of effort.

  24. Anon & Annabell: don’t give up on having kids (I adopted). This could have been my dad (except that instead of forgetting my birthday he never visited me in the hospital while I was undergoing intensive chemotherapy for four weeks). He did, in fact, have a heart attack and drop dead due to the insatiable demands of his replacement family (I still have the letter explaining why he couldn’t buy my little sister a computer for college because he was strapped making the payments on his stepdaughter’s BMW when her husband wouldn’t get a job). Your best revenge (and mine): make a better life for you and your kids. My kids cried at my dad’s funeral, although they barely knew him. You can be an awesome parent, and you can make up for his shittiness by having awesome kids. It’s the best way of saying goodbye to the old man, getting over the hurt, and moving on. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, yes, he left every dime to her, even the hundreds of thousands he inherited from my grandparents who intended to leave it to their grandkids.

  25. Shit. Why so angry at your father? If it was a woman being treated like that would you be so dismissive or right it off to lack of a spine? Your Dad is in an abusive relationship and can’t get out. How about some compassion and help rather than your ignorant misandrist (aka man hating) bigotry?

  26. Sometimes parents make crappy decisions. Sometimes their children resent them for those same crappy decisions. That said, unlike some other commenters, I fail to see why you are not entitled to your feelings. I also fail to see why your father chose his new family over you, or why such a choice should ever have to be made in the first place.

  28. Be careful what you wish for. My dad passed away suddenly while I was not talking with him because his life was off track. Never a day goes by that I don’t regret not being on good terms with him. He wasn’t always the best dad but he was always there and it has caused me to be vigilant in my protection of my relationship with my son.

    You only get one dad. Be patient and he’ll pull his head out of his ass one of these days and realize what he’s done to your relationship.

    Or maybe not.

  30. Might I offer a blessing?

    May only the trophy wife choke and croak on the paella,and after the mountains of paperwork and the inquests have been waded through and the body returned to the States for burial, please let your dad discover that the criminal stepson has sold everything of value and drunkenly burned the house down right to the foundations…traumatizing himself so thoroughly during the process that he’s become incontinent and will require 24-hour-a-day care for the rest of his life.

    And may your dad learn how to have a dab hand with Depends.

  31. I totally know how you feel. My dad is the same way. Cut it off. Because as hard as bad as this may sound, I think he’s cut you off too. Life is too short to have daddy issues.

    Plus, don’t let your dad’s mistakes make you worry about your own parenting skills. Stupidity is not inherited. You now know exactly what NOT to do and how your mistakes can really hurt your children. Oddly enough, statistic-wise, children of divorce are more likely to go on and have successful, healthy relationships, rather than fail at them.

  32. I wish you could have a nice caring dad who has confidence in himself and to do things for you to show that he cares about you and to care about others(he probably has a low opinion of himself). Mom’s are usually the ones who take care of their children’s birthdays. If you do get a call or a card – it will be his wife’s idea not your dads – it will be crappy and you won’t like any of their gifts to you (usually it will be bargain sale gifts). Guys never write thank you notes either. Stop being jealous and realize you are not getting anything from them. They will treat you like a guest and hope you don’t visit too long. One of these days – you will feel the same way about them. In the end it all doesn’t matter. Life goes by fast – don’t waste your life worrying and feeling bad about what your dad does, what your brother does or what your dad’s wife does. It doesn’t matter.

  33. Though he is obviously distracted, your dad is now, has always been, and will always be. . . your dad. I hope he chokes on paella too, but I hope he survives. Eventually he will discover the truth about his trophy-partner, and it will dawn on him that you are far more precious to him than anything in his new life. Don’t cut him off just yet. The day may come when you will be prepared to reconcile with him, perhaps even forgive him. Try as you might, you can’t burn the infrastructure of the bridge to your dad. You obviously love him, you would not feel so hurt and betrayed if you didn’t.

  34. I honestly feel your pain. My relationship with my father was much the same, although it was his doing not that of a second wife or family (of which he had both). I hated him in every possible way and was never hesitant to voice that hatred. I was told repeatedly that some time, maybe after he was gone, I would be sorry for my negative feelings toward him. Well, he’s now been gone nearly 10 years and not once have I regreted anything I said or felt about him – I do however wish I have found a way to better deal with my anger as I allowed it too much control over the other factors and elements of my life. Remember, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family – but just because you didn’t pick them doesn’t mean you have to like them, respect them or even tolerate them. Move forward positively with your own life and don’t look back.

  35. These sentiments confirm what I’ve thought for several years now. Namely, in America, money is a form of love. Sad or not, it’s pretty damn true.

  36. I wouldn’t avoid having kids because you have a bad parent… my dad was pretty standoffish, isolated, provided ok but didn’t do the Dad Thing… I learned from his example and compensated when I had kids, every day told them I loved them, SHOWED them I loved them, they’re all grown now but they’re the reason I’m glad I lived… and I stay out of their hair…

  37. Sorry, I agree with EVERYONE!:

    a) Print, Sign, Send.

    b) THEN, go to therapy and see if the problem is completely Dad or not.

    c) If it is or if it isn’t, get on with your life. You can not move foreward with your life if you are staring in the rearview mirror. “Seriously.” For instance, re-read your letter and ask, “Would I want to date/live with/marry/fuck the person who wrote this?!?” (Hint, if you say “yes”, it’s not just Dad.)

    PS: I stopped thinking my birthday was special when I turned 18. If forgetting it is enough of a mortal sin to make you hate your father, well, see the hint above. DISCLAIMER: If you are not yet 18 or still somewhere around 18, then I apologize, and you can hate him, but only a little and only a little longer. You WILL have to go on with your life sooner or later, and all that hate will make you pretty unfun to be around.

  38. Anger is a healthy emotion. Sign it, seal it, send it. If she has her talons into him this deep, your letter is the only thing that’ll come close to shaking him loose.

  39. No woman is worth being with if she does nothing to stop her son or backs you up to stop her son from stealing from you. She has no respect for you. Have her precious little darling offspring thrown in jail.

  41. My dad sucked big time, too, and after years of emotional and sexual abuse I cut him off and didn’t see him for a really long time. I can’t remember how it happened that we got back in touch but we did- and one of the first things he did was apologize, sincerely and tearfully, for his past behavior. It seems that being divorced and losing not only his wonderful wife but two great daughters was enough to get him thinking and, gasp, he Got It.

    By the end of his life we were very good friends, he loved my dear husband better than a son, supported us in our musical careers and humbly asked for my help when his health spiraled down and he couldn’t take care of himself any more. I ended up being a loving, grateful and devoted daughter to a wonderful, though deeply flawed, man who finally died at relative peace with the world.

    My sister and mother never got over their anger and hatred of him and it scars them to this day.

    I got tons of counseling which helped but, beyond his apology and many expressions of love and gratitude, what really turned the tide of my emotional problems about my dad was learning EFT:

    http://www.emofree.com

    Free how-to videos:

    http://www.tapping.com/

    It’s free, it works and it’s amazing.

    You don’t need to “grow up and get over it,” you need to process it and get past it. Then it makes you stronger, better, able to marry and/or have children if you choose to and NOT repeat your past experiences.

    I wish you well.

  42. So you think your not Daddy’s little girl anymore. It hurts, doesn’t it. But note your Dad is happy, he’s in love – be happy for him. And don’t worry, when all the dust settles after a couple years and the veneer goes off the new love, you’ll still be number uno. In the meantime, be understanding. (Unless Daddy’s in process of turning all his assets over to the new SM and her son – in that case get your ass to a lawyer.)

  43. Dude, I hope you sent this to your Dad. He’s obviously in a trance and needs a major reality check that only YOU can provide. DO IT!!!

  45. Wow! I had this *same Dad*!

    My stepmother was insanely jealous of any time (forget Money!) he spent with us. If we dropped by, she’d monopolize every conversation, often with nasty putdowns. When Dad developed Alzheimer’s, she was there telling the staff at the home that we were “no good”, and lying to other relatives about whether we visited him (we did; she claimed we didn’t).

    And the day Dad died, my two sisters and I were all there with Stepmom, each holding a hand or foot. As my Dad died, one of my sisters yelled, “We love you, Daddy! We love you!”, and my stepmother leaned over, and said in Dad’s ear, “Oh … we know better, don’t we, Poppa? We know they really *DON’T LOVE YOU*!”

    Unbelievable. But all three of us kids heard her say it.

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