Me? Not a big fan of “the occult.” I recently saw a TV
documentary about modern witchcraft in which chubby British people were
nude-dancing around a pentagram, and I’m pretty sure one of them put a
spell on me. (How else could that vomit mysteriously wind up in my
mouth?) Therefore, let me state for the record that any kind of
“sorcery, magick, or bewitchment” creeps me the fawk out and has no
place in modern society.
So why then is CNN consorting with the devil? Like millions
of nonwitch Americans, I was watching election results last Tuesday on
CNN—nervously eating bags of Cheetos as my underpants became
soaked with jittery perspiration. And up until a certain point, CNN was
completely devoid of hocus-pocus, hoo-doo, or thaumaturgy.
Then suddenly, without warning, correspondent Wolf Blitzer (who was
in New York) conjured up a hologram of superhot political reporter
Jessica Yellin (who was in Chicago), causing me to leap up on my
chair and scream, “What foul wizardry is this?!? Verily this Wolf
Blitzer is a patron of the black arts!” Even more disturbing, Jessica
was not in the slightest bit naked. I mean… C’MON! What is the point
of conjuring holograms if they’re just going to stand there talking
politics in a pantsuit from Ann Taylor Loft?
But it got worse! Apparently jealous of Blitzer’s evil powers,
fellow correspondent/
staff necromancer Anderson Cooper decided to
do a little conjuring of his own… by invoking the ghostly hologram
of rapper will.i.am! Again… not
naked! Sure, one could make the argument that will.i.am was there to give a black person’s
perspective on Obama’s role in modern politics—but why did he
have to be magically summoned? He couldn’t take a cab? He couldn’t use
the phone? Was he afraid a TV camera would steal his soul? NONE OF THE
ABOVE! The only reason will.i.am was
materialized was because Anderson Cooper wanted to show off his “mad
warlocky skilz.”
Look, Anderson. I understand that you worship at the cloven hooves
of your dark lord Mephistopheles. I get that. I also understand that
you (as well as your friend, Wolf) possess weird, unearthly powers that
you employ at your ease. However, all I ask is that you
occasionally—just occasionally—use your powers for “good”
rather than “evil.” Why conjure up Jessica Yellin, when you can
conjure up Jessica Yellin naked? Why summon the holographic image of
will.i.am, when you could just as
easily summon the entire cast of Gossip Girl… naked? In the
exalted name of Lucifer, malevolent angel of darkness, I beseech thee,
Anderson Cooper! Make thy evil spells more entertaining!
(P.S. If it’s all the same to you, I’d like
to stay right here
and fully clothed, thankyouverymuch.) 
What was the point of that hologram if it looked like it was drawn with crayon?
It’s odd, I usually skip right over your column. This week was different, I simply HAD to read “I Love Television” first. After the first paragraph I knew what it was that drew me to your column: my bigot sensor was screaming off the charts. You ignorant fuck. You watched one British “modern witchcraft” film and suddenly you’ve got every Pagan figured out? How dare you perpetuate stereotypes and bigotry! You want to know what “has no place in modern society”: bigots. Shame on you.
oh man i had to read this when i looked on the thing and LMFAO @ 2 ahaha someone needs to lighten up a lottttt