I’m sorry that I silently farted in front of you at the bookstore. I
didn’t hear you walk up behind me—if I had known someone was
there, I would have held it. It was obvious you walked right into it
from the way you immediately ran off. Again, apologies. I blame the
tofu. recommended

33 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  7. I was riding an elevator with Rodney down from the 7th floor to the 2nd floor. On the second floor a little oriental lady gets on at the 4th. Just after the door closes Rodney lets out a butt rattling fart. Uncomfortable moment for sure. We get down to the second floor and the door opens and we walk out just as others are boarding. Rodney turns back and says… “Go ahead lady. Tell ‘em I did it”.

  8. Last summer my brother in-law laid down a nasty fart in the elevator of the Sir Francis Drake in SF. He and my pregnant wife were going down to the lobby from our room and he got off on his floor, leaving her holding the bag when a group of people got on a couple floors down. She was so pissed.

  9. I can’t describe it, (I think the Bloodhound Gang did in song) but the power and invincibility I feel when I tear ass with head phones on is incomprable.

  11. Tofu is bad for the planet, bad for the soul, and bad for the digestive tract! Down with farting-faux-eco-hippies! Down with soy! Down with fermented soy products! Boo soy! Stupid beans! I hate soy! Tofu is the evil incarnate of communism and dictatorships!

  13. Years ago, after scattering air biscuits all over some department store, I stopped to survey the fruits of my toots. I was surprised and amused to observe that most people, upon detecting the floating foulness, took a second sample, inhaling just a little more deeply, as if to confirm the familiarity of the flatus, or perhaps it’s ingredients, before fleeing the area.

  15. I used to work at a very high end country club and if I had a group of nasty guests I would crop dust their table with SBDs (silent but deadlies) and walk to the back of the restaurant and watch them try to be polite and ignore the stench. But after a employee cafeteria meal of leftovers it was next to impossible.

  17. I fuckin love to fart in public. Especially when the christmas shopping madness is in effect. I love to watch the expressions of the people who smell my next food baby. And they wave their hands and fluff it out more.. It is like an invisible, ass-smell lasso……phew!

  19. Ahh, nothing more fun than blowing out a big one in public – just to embarass my kids. That’ll teach’em to give their mom grief! (Ha – you probably assumed it was the father writing, didn’t you?)

  23. Yes, I’m also sorry about the time I let out a stinker while walking down the street, but considering the open air context, I don’t think I deserved the withering look of contempt I got from a certain Seattle semi-celebrity. Yeah, “Science Guy,” you didn’t need to look at me like I’d been caught not recycling, or something.

  24. I’m an ice hockey goalie, and I love farting when I’m on the ice. I’m not sure why; maybe it’s the dichotomy of the fart’s ethereal nature and the bulkiness of my pads.

  25. I got on the plane to Europe and sat down next to a woman reading her magazine. I said “hey” in an I’m-recognizing-your-existence-and-the-fact-that-we’ll
    be-sitting-next-to-each-other-for-hours-but-I’m-not-the
    guy-who’s-gonna-talk-your-ear-off kind of way. She said nothing, but just studiously ignored me. I was just a tiny bit annoyed, but it really didn’t matter. I got on with my crossword, sudoku, whatever.

    It so happened that a stinky mess stewing in my bowels. I tried to hold it in, but about an hour into the flight I pinched out a sizeable fart. My sense of smell is in decline, so I didn’t really know the extent of the damage until my neighbor started waving her magazine briskly to move the air. She kept waving it and waving it for about three or four minutes, in a passive aggressive statement.

    It was now my turn to studiously ignore her. I just kept focused on my crossword, as if nothing had happened. Part of me was embarrassed, but part of me was happy.

  26. Jay Mohr has, I believe, the best farting story. Double Tree hotel, one set of sliding doors, followed by a short enclosed hallway, then another set of sliding doors into the hotel. He let one loose while walking between the sliding doors. A family is walking behind him, and the little daughter, no older than 5, upon smelling his fart, immediately vomited.

  27. In an elevator!? That’s bush league. Try downing a plate of beef and broccoli and heading for the perfume counter at the BelSquare Macys. The startled looks actually make the trip to Bellevue somewhat bearable.

  29. Ahh the unsuspecting bookstore fart. A classic in flatulent terrorism.

    I love doing it in crowded music stores. Stand infront of a section that should naturally give off its own unpleasant stink, and give it a hand… a little stinky gaseous hand.

    Then move to a section of music that you like and watch as that 16 year old wanders over to check out the new Jonas Brothers album and wonders why it smells like shit… as if there’s any need to wonder…

  31. I have a little fetish about farting, and can usually produce one in a pinch, so to speak. One favorite guerrilla tactic I employ with anoying people, especially kids, is to fart near them on purpose and without any pretense of innocence about it. I love to see the little oppositonal defiant screeming wheemy brats shut up and be owned by my smell. Yes there is a force in nature greater than your pathetic histrionics.

  32. Nothing better then the ‘ol time tested dutch oven. The setting is my GF and I in bed under the thick comforter last sunday morning. Just when I noticed my GF opening her eyes, I used my legs and arms as tent stakes to secure the walls of my impromptu oven. The fart was more silent then not, extra smelly and thick in the way that it hung in the air. I could barely breathe as I laughed so hard – my GF could barely breathe because the poop air was evaporating the actual oxygen. She was pissed until about noon and called me a twat. He he.

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