Greetings. I am the noble and ancient technology known as
braiding. Long have my hairy weavings adorned the heads of queens, the
lapels of dandies, the beard of Osiris! What other art so perfectly
captures the act of taking three strands of something, then crossing
one over the middle one, and then the other one over the middle one,
and so on, until three somethings come together as one? None but the
act of braiding.
But, for shame! The late 20th century—with its “rock” and its
“roll”—has conferred upon my burnished reputation a dark,
douche-shaped stain: I have, of late, been forced to publicly augment
the orangey dome of a fool! A fool named Axl Rose. As I, the noble and
ancient technology known as braiding, understand it, this Rose was once
a leader among men, a merry snake god who made love to countless
ladies. Now he is a fat clown. But worst of all, following his fall
from grace, the withered Rose has taken to coating his head in my
elegant twinings! Like corroding ropes of cheese, they sway and dangle
from his aging pate. I shall not suffer such humiliation quietly.
Relinquish your scalpal grip on my follicular children, rogue, or face
consequences most dire! Expect a call from my attorney! Oh, and
Chinese Democracy sucks! 
Your an idiot.
You ARE an idjit, Ji. Your move.
Yep. Whoever wrote this is definitely a douche.
Cocaine also regrets Axl Rose.
Obviously you cannot think of anything else to harass him about……
Chinese Democracy is the finest work to grace the GNR catalogue since Appetite and you sir, are a biased imbecille.
Yeah what a fuckin idiot. So you are writing this from the perspective of a braid? Yeah you’re a genius. That is real wit. Fucking moron.
And this fucking sentence “What other art so perfectly captures the act of taking three strands of something, then crossing one over the middle one, and then the other one over the middle one, and so on, until three somethings come together as one?”
Did someone lead you to believe at some point in high school or something that you were witty? You really think this is witty or something? This was worth writing down? This is the best you got? Christ man. You should be sweeping train stations or something.
funk you to all you hater commenters, get a life, or at least go get laid…Axl Rose has/does/will always give me a very bad case of gas…
Personally, I’m just impressed that Rose is still alive. Seriously.
I’m always impressed that those who accuse others of a lack of wit in sentences such as these “Yeah you’re a genius. That is real wit. Fucking moron.” never offer an alternative to the perceived lack of incisive humor; their diatribes are always so reactionary and humorless.
“And this fucking sentence” apparently doesn’t end since you seem to have an aversion to action verbs and periods. Hulk angry!
You used the word “wit” three times in your rant and yet your post contains none. You used “fuck” as a punctuation mark and yet haven’t made a point.
Clearly, you would braid Axl’s ass hairs if you could and you know it.
The braids are to hide a very obvious and bad hair plug job. The perpetually startled look is the result of horrifying plastic surgery. What once was a hot little heavy metal sex god is now just a washed up age-afraid Gary Busey-ish nightmare. My condolences to GnR.
Once again proving none of the Slog writers are actually intentionally funny. One of the interns crank this shit out?
“What other art so perfectly captures the act of taking three strands of something, then crossing one over the middle one, and then the other one over the middle one, and so on, until three somethings come together as one?”
CLEARLY, this is some sort of subtle reference to the lack of snowplows in the city.
This was absolute genius! Anything dissing axl rose or guns ‘n roses is hilarious to me and just about everyone I know. Listening to chinese democracy is like chinese torture! All these commenters who love axl rose must be butt rockers with a mullet and a popsicle! Why don’t you all take your acid washed jeans and hop in your Camaros and gun it up to 88 mph so the flux capacitor can take all you dinosaurs back to a time where anybody would give a shit about axl effing rose? Huh? Eh? Ohhhhh….