I Love Television

Look at this pee stain on my pants. I SAID, “LOOK AT IT!” What is exciting enough to induce my urine to leave its comfortable
home and soak my sexiest pair of GUESS jeans? Just this week’s debut
of Joss Whedon’s newest sci-fi nerdgasm, Dollhouse (debuting Fri Feb 13, 9 pm, Fox). Hold on… hear that pshhhhing noise?
That’s the sound of millions of gallons of urine squirting
uncontrollably from the shriveled members of geeky Poindexters
everywhere—just because I mentioned Dollhouse! It’s THAT
exciting!!

Okay, look down. Is the front area of your pants drenched with
yellow moistness? If you answered “no,” then there’s a good chance you
have no idea who Joss Whedon is and may be starting to suspect I
don’t have the mental capacity to eat mashed potatoes by myself,
let alone write a TV column. But what YOU don’t understand is that Joss
Whedon is an f-bombing GENIUS, man! Yes, he created the wholly
brilliant Buffy the Vampire Slayer! Yes, he created the
nearly-as-brilliant spin-off Angel! Yes, he created the
not-quite-as-brilliant-as-Buffy-but-somewhat-more-brilliant-than-Angel sci-fi show Firefly! And YES, he also created the
somewhat-less-brilliant-than-Angel-but-50-billion-times-more-brilliant-than–Star
Trek: Deep Space Nine musical web miniseries Dr. Horrible’s
Sing-Along Blog! Are you urinating yet? WELL, YOU SHOULD BE!!

So… no pee? Not even a little squirt? Huh. Okay. Wow. All right
then, listen to this! Not only does Dollhouse (whoops, peed a
little) star Eliza Dushku, the hotter-than-hot superhottie who played
Faith in Buffy and Angel, she portrays a character named
“Echo” who belongs to a gang of kinda-sorta secret agents (nicknamed
“Dolls”) who have their personalities erased so they can be imprinted
with brand-new personas. Say, for example, that a certain mission needs
the talents of a brilliant scientist who knows kung fu; with a flip of
a switch, Echo becomes a cross between Stephen Hawking and Bruce
Lee—with boobs!

Need a change of underpants yet? No? Then I shall continue! So after
StephenHawkingBruceLeeWithBoobs finishes her mission—whammo!
Echo’s supervisors erase all traces of her memory, and until another
mission comes along, she’s sent back to… the Dollhouse! (Ugh. I’m
gonna need a new pair of socks.) BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! As it turns
out, Echo is different from the other “dolls” in that, with each
passing mission, the mind wipes become less and less effective. That
means at some point she’s gonna get sick of doing everybody’s dirty
work and start kicking some urine-soaked ass! DOLLHOUSE!

Still dry, huh? Well… FINE. Don’t watch what will surely be the
awesomest show of the season… see if I care! But when everybody
else is over at my place watching Dollhouse and filling my
living room with reeking liquid waste? DON’T COME SWIMMING TO ME!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE BRAZILIAN HIGHLANDS

Season premiere! Man, why can’t it be the Scottish Highlands so they
can lop each other’s heads off with swords?

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

In this Valentine’s Day episode, Liz tries to woo the dreamy Jon
Hamm! (Back off, hag! He’s MINE!!)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

Debut! Echo (Eliza Dushku) is hired to be a hostage negotiator. A
sexy hostage negotiator, right? That’s a good Halloween costume.

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Titled “No Exit” (perhaps from Sartre’s play?), this episode is
bound to be another LAUGH RIOT!!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

The always-hilarious Alec Baldwin hosts, with an appearance by
creepy teens the Jonas Brothers. Uggh!

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15

8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE

Season premiere! The contestants almost get killed in Switzerland,
because the country refuses to get involved. GET IT?!?

10:30 HBO EAST BOUND & DOWN

Debut! Danny McBride (Pineapple Express, The Foot Fist Way) stars as
a disgraced pitcher who returns home to teach phys-ed!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 16

9:00 FOX 24

Tech expert Chloe takes on geeky Janis (Janeane Garofalo) in a
computastic nerd-off!

9:00 NBC HEROES

Nathan is investigated by Homeland Security, and—hasn’t Obama
fired those guys yet?

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Twelve contestants from the top 36 perform, and viewers are finally
allowed to start voting their asses off!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18

8:00 HBO THE WITNESS

An Oscar-nominated documentary featuring recollections from Reverend
Samuel Kyles, who was with Martin Luther King Jr. when he was
assassinated.

9:00 ABC LOST

Ben figures out how to get the Oceanic 6 back to the island, and it
involves “kicking” and “screaming.”

Thanks, but edible underpants aren’t as absorbent. steve@thestranger.com