I Love Television

Dear Editors of This Newspaper: While it may be tempting during
these times of economic crisis to think of TV columns as “expendable
content,” I would like to remind you of one thing: I AM UN-FIRE-ABLE,
BITCHES!

Sure, these are tough times! Sure, you have to lay off nonessential
members of your workforce! Luckily for me, I’m the MOST
essentialist—and here’s the proof: According to the latest
Nielsen survey of TV usage, the average television viewer is now
watching 151 hours of TV each month… and that’s a NEW WORLD
RECORD, biznatch! In 2008, we were only watching a measly 146 hours per
month—but thanks to the global financial meltdown, people no
longer attend stupidly frivolous movies, concerts, and restaurants, and
are now sitting at home on their sweet and juicies, eating pork rinds
and WATCHING TV.

THEREFORE: If America is watching this much TV, then they need
someone to tell them what to watch, right? And if your newspaper
doesn’t have someone telling them what to watch, where does this leave
your newspaper? UP CRAP CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE, THAT’S WHERE! So go
ahead. Cut this column—because you’ll be cutting your own fiscal
throat! Then when you’re forced to sell your beloved paper, I’ll snap
it up for pennies on the dollar, change the name to the I Love
Television™ Periodical Gazette, and then laugh and laugh and
laugh while you huddle in a cardboard box underneath an overpass,
desperately licking the spoiled, scant remains from an empty can of
beans. Get it? Got it? GOOD. Now give me a raise.

Oh, and before I forget, here are some interesting things coming on
television this week:

• Siegfried & Roy: The Magic Returns (ABC, Fri March
6, 9 pm). This special 20/20 episode documents the triumphant
return of animal trainers Siegfried & Roy as they mount a comeback,
over five years after Roy was mauled onstage by a tiger. (This time he
may want to lay off the Eau de Fried Chicken cologne.)

• Breaking Bad (AMC, Sun March 8, 10 pm). This awesome
show (returning for its second season) will bump up your monthly
TV-watching time to 152 hours—but it’s worth it! A mild-mannered
chemistry teacher catches terminal cancer and turns to meth production
to pay the bills. (Not a bad way for ailing newspapers to make money,
either… just a suggestion.)

• Dancing with the Stars (ABC, Mon March 9, 8 pm). This
season features the clubfooted talents of Belinda Carlisle, Lil’ Kim,
David Alan Grier, Denise Richards, and other nonessential former
employees of the entertainment industry.

• Castle (ABC, Mon March 9, 9 pm). Remember the hunky
and funny Nathan Fillion from Firefly? He’s back as a sex-hungry
mystery writer who teams up with a hotsy-totsy police detective to
solve crimes and have sex. Tonight’s episode: “The Case of the Missing
Boner. Oh, There It Is… in Your VAGINA.” See? If the networks let me
title the episodes, TV watching would probably increase to 152,000
hours per month! Another great reason NOT TO FIRE ME!

THURSDAY, MARCH 5

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Pam and Jim have an uncomfortable double date with Phyllis and Bob
Vance (of Vance Refrigeration). Oh god… is nudity involved?

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK

Liz tries to manipulate a pregnant teenage doughnut-shop employee to
give up her baby… and a dozen crullers.

FRIDAY, MARCH 6

9:00 FOX DOLLHOUSE

Echo is imprinted with the personality of a safecracker—and
hopefully she’ll find the combination to make this a successful
show.

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Three episodes left! May I put in a request for these episodes not
to SUCK?

SATURDAY, MARCH 7

9:00 BBCA ASHES TO ASHES

Debut! A spin-off of Life on Mars, a female detective is shot and
wakes up in 1981. Totally tubular! (Except for the gunshot wound.)

SUNDAY, MARCH 8

9:00 SHO THE L WORD

Series finale! To find out who murdered Jenny, the entire gang is
tossed into jail by cop/lesbian heartthrob Lucy Lawless!

10:30 HBO EASTBOUND & DOWN

Kenny compiles his best major-league moments on DVD (though he may
want to leave out the time he called New York “JEW York”).

MONDAY, MARCH 9

9:00 ABC CASTLE

Debut! Sexy mystery writer Castle (Nathan Fillion) denies being a
serial killer, but admits being a serial porker.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

The top 12 finalists perform for the first time—keep that
liquor-and-gun cabinet locked!

9:00 ABC PRIMETIME: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Hidden cameras show what normal people do when faced with ethical
dilemmas, and unsurprisingly, it ain’t pretty.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11

8:00 NBC THE CHOPPING BLOCK

Debut! A bunch of inept cooks compete to impress a dickish Limey
chef. Why does this sound familiar?

10:00 COM SOUTH PARK

Season premiere! Cartman, Kyle and a poop-ton of poop jokes return
for a poop-tastic 13th season!

There but for the grace of a paycheck go I.