Saying this is not going to endear me to my sisters in the industry,
but there are a lot of crazy chicks doing sex work. After much
observation, I’ve formed a hypothesis about why some sex workers become
crazy and some don’t. Some of them were unstable before they got into
the game, but some of them had their lives go off the rails because
they made one big mistake: They had no exoskeleton.

What does that mean? It means that in the amorphous world of sex
work, you do not have the social guidance of the dominant culture
telling you how to structure the hours and days of your life. And
that’s fine—if you can create and adhere to your own framework,
regulating for yourself how you spend your time. If there are no
schedules or deadlines, then often the dull duties that make life run
smoothly get blown off. It’s hard to maintain emotional equilibrium
when your power gets shut off because you forgot to pay the bill, mice
infest the garbage you didn’t take out, and the toilet overflows. The
more stressed you get, the less able to deal with responsibilities you
become, and pretty soon you’re living in a motel on Aurora Avenue.
That’s the extreme end of things, of course. But it happens.

Sex work is also a world that rewards highly stylized, artificial
behavior. It can be fun to play the sex kitten. But you need
time as your everyday self, too, or you get off-balance and forget how
to interact with people when you’re not wearing high heels.

Thus, your exoskeleton is something outside the flexible-to-a-fault
underbelly of sex work. It’s something you’re emotionally invested in
that requires you to keep order in your world, and something where
you are your truest self. It can be another job you’re
passionate about, or school, or a serious and active commitment to an
art. (Note the keywords on that last one: serious and active. As in:
You’re accountable to other people for making something happen on a
schedule. Sitting in bars talking about the masterpiece you’re
going to create won’t keep you sane.)

Sometimes a partner can be an anchor, if he/she has a
well-structured life and you’re committed to matching him/her. And
sometimes the responsibility of parenthood keeps people focused
in a blurry world—but don’t count on it. Too often, I have
seen parents take kids with them into la vida loca. You’re
supposed to provide stability for your child, not vice versa.

I’ve used all these systems to define my days, and I’ve seen other
successful sex workers do likewise. Over time, I’ve learned to create
my own stand-alone structures in an unstructured world. I have my
little routines I’m very firm about, and sometimes people kid me about
them. They think it’s because I’m a dominatrix that I’m so
wedded to my ways. They don’t realize that me disciplining myself is
what enables me to play at disciplining others. recommended

14 replies on “Control Tower”

  1. As a former sex worker, I would agree with all of this. I would also add that a lot of women who get into sex work initially are young and are suddenly making giant wads of cash for the first time in their lives. It’s really easy to spend that unwisely, and to slide into a party lifestyle because (a) you have tons of money to spend on going out to clubs, doing drugs, whatever, and (b) without that outside anchor, you’re likely to mainly draw your friend pool from your fellow sex workers, and if everyone’s young, party-oriented, and a bit irresponsible, it can all spiral out of control pretty quickly. I hate to feed into that whole “sex workers are all drug addicts,” because that’s patently untrue, but for those who are or who have that potential, the cash-steeped, night-oriented world of sex work can be a trigger.

  2. Actually, this is great advice for just about everyone: I’m not a sex worker but there’s a pretty strong dichotomy between my work and home life and you’re right, it’s keeping a structure going that helps maintain sanity. Particularly true for freelance workers in any industry. Great column!

  3. I have two roommates, both are musicians, and one of them totally falls into that self-regimented column and well the second one, well he REALLY needs to read this article!

    After this column and the video on your blog about how to talk to/confront people I feel like the house may be ready to talk to him about his ‘artistic’ behavior.

    Thank you!

  4. Great column! Something similar holds true for artistic work, writing in particular, where you have – on the contrary – little outside activities and are prone to sink into that fictional world you’re creating. Never to surface again to do the dishes or other mundane stuff.

    As a writer I know and Mistress Matisse’s articles which carry that self-reliant, structured vibe have always served to remind me of the necessity to get in control of the rather uncharted territory my way of life is.

    So thanks a lot!

  5. Perhaps your best column ever Matisse. Well written, succinct, and right on point. Together with your last column (where I personally have the causal arrow pointing the other way) that makes you two for two.

  6. you should write a book about this; i’m pretty sure the canon lacks a practical guide to staying sane amidst a career in the industry (not counting “going pro”), and that void needs to be filled. can i have a 10 page version to hang up everywhere in my club’s dressing room? kthx 😉

  7. I have also dabbed in that field and just like any job, you need to be able to have time to yourself and do things that need to be done. In addition, if you also have clients that are violent or do not care about your safety, then I could also imagine why some workers go a bit nuts. You aren’t exactly working under the best conditions and there isn’t anyone around to regulate the rules.

  8. Time management is a skill one should learn by the time high school is over. I couldn’t have made it successfully through college or any other endeavor without. Discipline is important; personal responsibility is part of the solution for the mess the world is in. This article speaks to the times perfectly.

  10. this actually isn’t a horrible article, but wouldn’t it be more appropriate as a blog entry? For a kink column, this one has a distinct lack of talk about kink, ever.

  11. Dirtytime…

    Here’s a clue: those of us who live in that world know that the two basic points of Matisse’s article above – staying grounded and having self discipline – are key to being able to have a successful kinky life.

    It ain’t all about pushing a needle through a nipple – sometimes it’s about picking up the dirty laundry or having a set schedule for changing the kitty litter.

  12. I recommended this particular column at a recent cartoonists’ award banquet. When it comes to the creative, self-guided, self-motivated freelance business life, if we read this column, we don’t need the how-to books. You’ve said it all.

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