My 14-year-old son just came
out to me. He has a slightly older boyfriend, and they’re going to the
school dance on Saturday night. I am adjusting to a truth I had long
suspected. I am worried, though, that my son will get hurt. We live in
the South—North Carolina—but our town has a gay community
and an annual pride parade. When I asked him if the other students at
school would be cool with him bringing a boy, he said, “Who cares?”
Bullying is not a huge problem at his school.
We have had the sex talk several times, but
I have always assumed a hetero approach. I think my son is too young
for sleepovers with his boyfriend, and I would really like him to wait
a couple more years before he gets seriously sexually active, though I
expect petting and kissing are givens. Any advice?
Still My Son
Treat your son to some of that equal
treatment we gay people are always going on about, SMS, and treat him
just like you’d treat your 14-year-old straight kid. No responsible
parent would allow his 14-year-old daughter—and that’s how you
should think of him for now (more on that in a moment)—to have
sleepovers with her slightly older boyfriend, right? So no sleepovers
for your gay kid. Remember: You can be supportive and be his advocate
without signing off on stuff you wouldn’t sign off on for a straight
child—indeed, it’s the best way to show your support.
What else can you do? You can hover,
scrutinize, interfere—all the crap that parents typically do when
their children begin to date. For instance, SMS, this boy your son is
seeing? Have you met him? Meet him. How much older is he? Find out. Are
they messing around? Ask them. Make sure your son understands that he
doesn’t have to engage in anal intercourse to be authentically gay, or
all grown-up, or out. He can take things slow—he should take
things slow. Encourage your son to date, to hold hands, to make out.
And you should, as awkward as it’s going to feel to say so aloud,
encourage your son, when he does become sexually active, to stick with
mutual masturbation and oral sex for a good, long time—until he’s
sure he’s ready for intercourse, not just anxious for it.
Getting back to the daughter business: You
should also regard your son, at least through his adolescence, as more
of a daughter to you than a son. We tend to be more protective of our
daughters—our straight daughters—than we are of our sons.
Why? A sexist desire to keep our daughters “pure”? That’s a part of it,
sure, but there’s also this: Men are pigs, and people on the receiving
end of male sexual desire/attention are in more danger than people on
the receiving end of female sexual desire/attention. (In
general—individual results may vary.) Testosterone is the crystal
meth of hormones, a badass drug, and men are more likely to be abusive
and violent. The prevalence of HIV among gay men makes the stakes
higher for your son. So don’t allow him to date anyone you don’t get to
meet and approve of, and don’t confuse “being supportive” with “letting
him do whatever/whomever he wants.” Be active, be engaged, and never
stop being his meddling, interfering, hypersuspicious dad.
Good luck, SMS. It sounds like your son
lucked out having you as a parent.
I’ve been seeing this guy for
about two years. We’ve been living together for six months now, and
it’s been REALLY bumpy. We fight a lot, I cry a lot, and it just gets
really messy. To tell you the truth, I’m tired of it. I work two jobs,
and I never get any time to myself because he’s moody and insecure. He
always wants to know where I’m going or who I’m with. He doesn’t like
to do the same things I do, and I’m beginning to think this is all one
big mistake. The problem is every time I try to leave, it always gets
ugly. Ugly to the point that he’s thrown my stuff in the front yard,
broken things of mine, and even called me names. He’s abusive.
As sad as this sounds, and as ridiculous as
I feel, I want to make this work. I want us to be happy. And the thing
is, I know that we can be. When we’re mad, it’s like World War III over
here. But when we’re happy, it’s so blissful that I know in my heart
with him is the only place I want to be. What can I do? People tell me
it’s time to sever ties, but the people who usually tell me this are
the ones who can’t stand him. How can I make a completely unbiased
decision? Am I stupid for believing in a love that feels destined to
fail?
Hopelessly Devoted To Him
This is not a relationship, HDTH, it’s a
hostage situation. He’s a controlling, abusive piece of
shit—listen to your fucking friends, HDTH. When
your boyfriend breaks your shit, he’s making an implicit threat: I
can break your face just as easily as I’m breaking your shit, bitch, so
don’t even think about leaving me. And of course things are
great when they’re great—that’s part of an abuser’s MO. If
abusers were abusive 24/7—if they weren’t capable of doling out a
little bliss now and then—no abusive relationship would last
longer than one date. Like all abusers, he parcels out the good times,
doping you up with a little bliss now and then, because he knows that
these glimpses of how great things could be convince you to
stick around against your better judgment.
The bliss is a con, HDTH, a weapon that he
uses against you, just as much a part of the cycle of abuse as his
tantrums, fits, and threats of violence are. Think of the good times as
rainbow sprinkles on a dog-shit sundae—sprinkles or no sprinkles,
you’re still standing there with a bowlful of dog shit in your
hands.
Get a couple of friends to come over when
he’s at work or out of town, box up your shit, and leave. You can’t
change him. Go.
Apropos of nothing, Savage,
you fucking suck ass.
You And Your Column Both Suck
Have I ever claimed otherwise?
And apropos of nothing, YAYCBS, I’m totally
grooving on Garfunkel & Oates right now (www.garfunkelandoates.com), and
everyone has to check them out; Perez Hilton was absolutely right about
Miss California (she is a dumb bitch); Seattle-based artist Kim
Graham (www.kimgrahamstudios.com) is
getting centaur fetishists halfway there; and I recently visited the
University of Georgia in Athens, where the kids asked me to come up
with a dirty meaning for “between the hedges,” which is their football
stadium’s nickname. Off the top of my head, I said, “The boy in a
girl-boy-girl three-way could be described as being between the
hedges.” But upon further reflection, I think the term is a better
description of going down on a woman with a particularly hairy
bush—and the tongue, not the boy/girl doing the tonguing, is
“between the hedges.”
Bravo for your responses this week, Dan. And bravo especially to SMS. The world needs more parents like you.
HDTH listen to Dan please and get out, dump the sick fuck.
I am in an abusive marriage myself and I am working on getting out of this hell before it completely destroys me. It’s been nearly two years now and I am already damaged but I am working on that.
Someone here said Love and fear cannot coexist. You cannot love someone you are afraid of.
It is so true. GET OUT while you can please. There are great normal guys out there.
Good luck to you HDTH and thank you Dan for your awesome work.
You are so dead-on with your responses in your column. I look forward to reading your column EVERY single week.
“Think of the good times as rainbow sprinkles on a dog-shit sundae—sprinkles or no sprinkles, you’re still standing there with a bowlful of dog shit in your hands.”
positively EPIC…and, more importantly, positively TRUE!!!
HDTH, get the movie, Waitress. Fast forward to the hospital scene. Pay close attention to Keri Russell, specifically when she is holding her brand new baby and talking to her husband. Repeat as necessary. After you have this scene committed to memory, go back and watch the rest of the movie. If this doesn’t make sense to you, volunteer at a Women’s Shelter for domestic abuse. I would think 1-2 hours a week would be enough.
Just being out to his parents is going to save SMS’s son a lot of heartbreak. Being out to one’s parents at that age, and having parents that are supportive, means having people with better judgment around you, so you don’t get so heavily invested in people who are, after all, assholes.
When I was 14 and 15 years old, I saw all around me that the people who couldn’t tell their parents they were dating were the ones who had the most terrible experiences. This meant the closeted gay kids, the redneck girls with black boyfriends, and the uber puritan raised girls. Homophobia, racism and sexist religion ultimately meant that the kids all had tunnel vision, they saw their mate as this halo’d creature because they were young and dumb, and since it had to be a secret, there was no one else they could turn to, and their mate had complete control.
So they put up with abuse, physical, emotional, sexual, the whole gambit, because they didn’t know better, and didn’t feel well enough about themselves to confidently say “no, that’s not ok.”
Unfortunately, I was in that crew for a while, with a girlfriend who coerced me and manipulated me and made me feel like shit for a long time.
I guess the lesson is “secrecy is poisonous.” And, of course, “you can BE a dick without actually having one.”
I’m with everyone else, Dan–you really did hit it out of the park this week. The advice for SMS was brilliant and definitely an interesting (and insightful) perspective, and your point about abusers’ MO in the second letter was spot on.
And @ 41: I love the limerick.
The parents can get tested TOGETHER for A VARIETY of STDs. Then tell their kid about it. Getting tested TOGETHER for A VARIETY of STDs is a good idea for the kid and his sex partner. Sexual health checkups reduce ambiguity and can be like anything else they do together.
To HDTH: Dan’s right: DTMFA!!! Your current boyfriend is a controlling, sack o’ monkeyshit, manipulative pigasaurus rex asshole (and for your sake, I hope he isn’t my ex-husband)!
Dump the piece of shit and get on with your life. If you still don’t agree, re-read Ameliorist’s and 4f…sake’s blogs.
Better yet, watch the film Once Were Warriors, and get out while you still can.
Right on, Ameliorist—I can relate. I left an abusive relationship from hell, too.
Have courage, HDTH. I hope everything works out for the better for you.
To HDTH: Dan’s right: DTMFA!!! Your current boyfriend is a controlling, sack o’ monkeyshit, manipulative pigasaurus rex asshole (and for your sake, I hope he isn’t my ex-husband)!
Dump the piece of shit and get on with your life. If you still don’t agree, re-read Ameliorist’s and 4f…sake’s blogs.
Better yet, watch the film Once Were Warriors, and get out while you still can.
Right on, Ameliorist—I can relate. I left an abusive relationship from hell, too.
Have courage, HDTH. I hope everything works out for the better for you.
“the ones who can’t stand him” does it occur to her that perhaps they can’t stand him because they see him mentally, emotionally, (and soon to be if not already) physically abusing someone they care about?
Perhaps “he is a shit” is not an opinion but a clear assessment.
My family and friends told me that my first wife was all wrong for me, but did I listen? Noooooo. I almost got married a second time to a woman who would have been all wrong in a different set of ways but then I realized that perhaps I should listen to all those people who know me well and love me. Now I view that almost second marriage as a bullet that I dodged.
I think your advice to SMS shows just how smart you are and how good you are at what you do. It’s spot on!
I’m a big fan of you, your column, your podcasts, and your videos…!
Great advice for SMS, Dan. Hopefully I’ll do the same if my future child turns out to be like me and enjoying my own gender.
@54
There is nothing worse than someone blaming a victim. Than saying that they “brought it on themselves.” I had a man throw me around his house for nearly an hour once. You know how he said it started? He said it was my fault because I threw a crystal bowl in the bathroom on the floor and broke it. You know how that bowl broke? He pushed me into it and it shattered. It did not start because I was breaking things, it started because he was on an abusive power trip.
I had a friend that did not take what happened to me seriously. She thought that by being a strong headed woman who stood up for myself I was ‘asking for it.’ She is no longer my friend. You can be a fucking righteous bitch, there is no excuse for a man twice your size to be abusive. Do you know what it feels like to have someone that strong holding you down? To use every muscle in your body to try getting up, to try fighting back? And being completely and utterly incapable. TO be helpless like that? Do you know how it feels? It is horrifying. Do you know what it’s like to look at someone that you thought you loved and to ask them and yourself “what is he doing to me? why is he doing this?” I shouted at him “How can you do this? You say that you love me?” And he laughed at me, like I was pathetic. And I never went back to him.
It is only an abuser that justifies being abusive to anyone for any reason. Period. End of sentence. She’s trying to see how angry she can get you? So what? Your only choice is be an abusive fuckwitt? Walking away is not an option?
Reality check time, maybe you need some help.
Hilarious that YAYCBS’s insult appears in the same column as two letters & responses that will surely become two of my favorites. Whether the insult appeared with these fine posts was a fluke or intentional, kudos to Dan Savage for showing the full spectrum of his inbox. YAYCBS, your computer and tv are obviously stuck on one site and one channel. Signed, YAYSADC (Yay, Savage and Discovery Channel!)
Completely on-target with HDTH … it’s the classic “buildup-blowup-honeymoon” cycle going on. Honey, if you have to sneak out at 3 am with $2 in your purse and just the clothes on your back, DO IT!!! And if you have to go back and sleep in your old room at Mom & Dad’s, DO IT!!!
Maybe he’s not pounding on your face (YET!) but the toughest scars to heal are always on the inside anyway, and you’ve already got more than you realize. God bless, sweetie – it may be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, but you are ABSOLUTELY worth it!!
I was really hoping HDTH would have left a response saying “I got out and I’m safe now”. I still hope she does.
Oh HDTH, please please! listen to Dan. I fell in love with a guy I thought was a good friend, afterall I had known him for 11 years–that should make him safe, right? When we got together, I had my own place, shared custody of my 12 year old daughter, a car, 3 horses (I was a prof. horse trainer at the time), my own business, etc. VERY VERY long story short, 3.5 years later, I was suicidal, had lost my business, my car, my apartment, my horses and most importantly of all–my daughter, who I was convinced, by him, was better off with her dad, because he was jealous of the attention I gave her. He was very well off, we lived in a very economically depressed state, it ranks dead last out of all 50 states in wages. With his income, he promised to “take care of me.” What a loaded gun that was. He should have just asked if he could buy me. My daughter was competition, as were my friends, my business, my horses and my family. One by one I gave up my posessions, passions, everything that took time away from him, until finally he convinced me my girl would be better off with her dad. One minute I was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to him, the next I was a bloodsucking parasite. I never once in all that time asked him for a penny, even though he forced me to quit working to be available for him and offered to pay all my bills and then renegged. The lowest point was when he told me “you would have done everyone you have ever met a favor is you had just put a bullet in your head before your kid was born and saved her and everyone else the trouble of ever having met you.” His apology? An $800 Coach bag. And some Prada sunglasses. I started to plant seeds with him to move to another city that had a better economy after almost 3 years of this shit because after having all of my resources stripped from me systematically I knew I couldn’t make it on my own in our home town anymore. My daughter was safe and well with her father and step mom, so we moved, and I immediately started planning my escape. After a few months with some decent paychecks, I waited for him to go out of town for a couple months on business and I made a break for it. My parents were on the east coast at the time so I called them to see if they could find me work out there. My mother and stepdad hated this man SOOO MUCH, I had a job interview in NYC within 3 hours!! 10 months later I am free, living alone in NY with a great job, some great new friends, and am finally starting to feel “whole” again. My little girl is still in my home state, and we talk regularly and she is doing fine. I can’t tell you how much damage this man did to me emotionally and psychologically. Some will read this and say “you could have left” and they are right; but it took 3 and a half years because I had no money and no where to go and no way to get there. I played my escape from this guy like a season of Survivor: outwit outlast outplay. HDTH, I hope it doesn’t take this much for you. This is the NUTSHELL VERSION of my story, it gets deeper and scarier than this but I think you get the point. The highs are never worth the lows when he breaks your shit, he’s just warming up before he breaks your face, its a matter of time. Get the fuck out now. It won’t get better. Your friends, family and EVERY LAST PERSON WHO HAS POSTED HERE CAN’T ALL BE WRONG!!!!!! We don’t know your guy, therefore we can’t hate him, but if what your are saying is true, run like hell and don’t ever look back!
With love and best of luck to you sweetheart, you can do this!!
Treating your young gay son like a daughter is great advice! I’ve never heard it put that way, but it is definitely true and I hope the dad takes your advice.
Just want to echo your advice to HDTH, which is spot on. I was in a similar situation once, and excused the nasty behavior by focusing on the good, but I ultimately realized that it didn’t balance out that way at all.
Also, one thing I’d like to add: of course the friends who tell HDTH to dump the abuser hate him. That doesn’t mean they’re problematically biased, it just means that they see what he is doing to their friend and evaluate it rationally, which is hard for her to do because she’s in his thrall.
Good luck, HDTH.
Wow; Dan, I’d been reading your clumn for years in READER mags in different cities, just started reading this site a year ago. The situations and the advice you give; very rational. I love reading comments, espcially on the issues here! The Dad (or Mom)is great for looking out for their kid. I have 4 girls under 10, and hope i’ll be open minded (and overbearing, cautious) when I get to that stage, whether they are gay or straight..they’ll still be our daughters. We also raise them now so they’ll have self worth, etc, because I know there’s scumbags love to control,too. What really made me think was comments #121 and 125; I never saw it like that, wow. Scary stuff for real. My friends/parents didn’t like my first wife either, didn’t listen, more of a mentally abusive relationship, but that only lasted 2 years, before I left her. Yes, there’s light at the end of that tunnel, and like #23, if you got to go..get the hell out!! I’ve happliy remarried-9 years with the girls, but even if I wasn’t..the Bible says “it’s better to eat crumbs in the attic than eat a big dinner with a (fill in the blank)significant other,” or something like that. Don’t be a Hale Berry, one bad relationship to the next, please! God Bless you…
One more thing; what’s helped me get over bad relationships (bisexual, straight, whatever) has been to listen to Sades’ album, “Promise.” It’s like her 2nd or 3rd album, but OMGosh, the whole album runs the gumut of feelings, (denial guilt, etc), and it’s better than throwing yourself out of a window (which I know nothing about).
Once again, the album “Promise” by Sade (all tracks)
Then, counseling (free, if you can find it)
Maybe stay with (caring, non-toxic) friends/family
so you can lick your wounds, and reflect
I wish the best for you; God bless…!
@47 – while her partner MAY be suffering from borderline personality disorder (though I’d lay my cards on narcisstic or antisocial), that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get the hell out of that relationship. Axis II diagnoses are DIFFICULT to treat (some say impossible) and it may be years before he makes any progress – meanwhile, right NOW, he is showing the classic signs of a DV perpetrator revving up to start laying his hands on more than just her things.
I’d let a centaur fuck me*, and I’m a straight guy. Then I’d have him fuck my wife.
I love what this column’s done for me, for everyone. Gives us a place to admit shit like this.
(* would have to have some fur up his back and chest so I could pet him. Seriously. I’d want to nuzzle him like a horse.)
Question. if he came to dinner, this hot centaur, would he shit my dining room? You know how horses love to crap any time, any place.
My first thoughts about “between the hedges” were that it was oral sex with a woman who trims her pubes, since hedges are always trimmed. My second thought as a gay man was “Ick, why did I even think of that?” LOL
Great job, Dan! The advice to SMS was beautiful. I’m not sure what the right answer is to a gentle, guided introduction of teens to the world of love and sex, but maybe this is on the right path. I’m a 30 year old bisexual guy in a committed relationship (with a woman). My teen sexual experience was divided between fairly innocent and parent-visible relationships with girls and hot and heavy, (sometimes anonymous) pet & suck with boys in the bushes. My parents definitely didn’t know about that. But it would have been interesting to have something in between.
@45: I pride myself on not being a pig, but you’ve got to face the statistics: whether it’s environment or genetics, men are more piggish than women. (See @55, +funny.)