Concesssions

Publicists are paid to be excited, I know, but the e-mail entitled
“ALL ABOARD! ‘DISNEY’S A CHRISTMAS CAROL’ TRAIN TOUR ROLLS INTO
SEATTLE” went further. It was glee beyond glee. Unrestrained,
celestial joy. Clearly this mysterious Train du Disney was an
experience so sublime that mere mortals would be lucky to escape with
our lives, because awesomeness is an infection AND WE ALL MIGHT DIE OF
IT. And so I, the brave and curious, RSVP’d, and so the publicist (a
lovely gal—I kid because I love) responded: “Heck yes! Come on by
around 8am so you can sleep in and be prepared to be blown away!!! I am
with the train in Portland and it is AMAZING!!!!!” Exclamation.
Points.

Disney’s A Christmas Carol: The Train, which will visit 40
cities in the next few months (“Christmas in July!”), is essentially a
giant press kit. Only instead of being some papers and stuff tucked
into a Pee Chee folder, IT IS A TRAIN. The film (which comes out
November 6) is, clearly, just what the world needs—yet another
Christmas Carol adaptation (!!!), this time rendered in Polar
Express–style motion capture and starring Jim Carrey in SEVEN
ROLES “including all three ghosts.” Yep. You know you want it,
human!

The first car displays portraits of the cast in their CGI-enhanced
roles: Carrey as warty old Scrooge and pimply young Scrooge,
Cary Elwes (so doughy now!) as Dick Wilkins, Bob Hoskins as Mr.
Fezziwig, Colin Firth as Fred, Gary Oldman as Tiny Fucking Tim.
Video screens show cast members opining, embarrassingly, about Dickens:
“It’s such a well-written book. It’s a brilliant piece,” offers
Hoskins. You don’t say!

The concept art of snowbound 19th-century London is gorgeous (if a
little Thomas Kincadey) and got the corny Anglophile in me all
atwitter. And the raw footage of Firth and Carrey acting together in
their motion-capture space suits is fascinating—evoking weird,
minimalist theater more than multibillion-dollar filmmaking. The
motion-capture technology itself (Robert Zemeckis’s unhealthy
obsession—pull yourself together, man!), thankfully, seems much
improved since 2007’s dismal Beowulf: You can see its potential
for twitchy naturalism and emotional range and fun, uncanny
grotesquerie. And though I’m not quite convinced that those were
lacking in traditional animation OR traditional human acting, I’m
interested to see what A Christmas Carol delivers. Because the
train, really, is amazing. You make a convincing pitch, train! (Oh, and
if you want to go see the train, um, sorry. It’s already in Fargo or
some shit.)

On my way out, I asked the publicist, “Wow, who has the money to do
all this in this economy?” And she replied, “DISNEY!!!!” Hmm. Perhaps Disney pays by the exclamation point. (If so, are you hiring?
Because THEY’RE!!! MY!!!!! SPECIALTYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).