I Love Television

SPACE! THE FINAL FRONTIER! (In which to tap some booty, that is!)
And yet? Not a single scientist, astronaut, or president has stepped
forward to say, “America must be the first country to have sex in
space—and we will do so by the end of this decade. My fellow
Americans, we choose to send two hot people into space to boink (and do
those other sexy things) not because it is easy… but because I am
hard!” (My sincerest apologies to the ghost of John F. Kennedy.)

But seriously, did you get a load of all the phony-baloney
hullabaloo over last week’s 40th anniversary of the moon landing?
Kaaaaaa-SNOOOZE! Three hot dudes fly up into space, hop around on a
dusty rock, and return to Earth without even having a circle je…
sorry… without “digitally pleasuring each other”? And just so
they could collect some stoopid rock samples?? Dude… most boring road
trip EVER!

That’s why it’s imperative that we beat the Russians in the “great
space-sex race.” The Russkies already have a leg up on us in sexual
exploration (i.e., their brilliantly conceived mail-order-bride
program)—so it’s just a matter of time before they’re circling
the Earth and making hot commie love… right over our heads! Word of
advice, my friends: If the Bolsheviks beat us into space? WEAR A
HAT. (Preferably one with a wide brim.)

Answer me this: Why are our Congress and scientific community so
lukewarm on this obviously awesome idea? It’s not like there isn’t any
precedent! Take Captain Kirk from Star Trek for example: The
purpose of Kirk’s five-year mission was “to explore strange new
worlds,” and that’s exactly what he did. Of course, back in the old
days, the word “worlds” was street code for “alien va-jay-jay,”
which was why he was always in such a rush.

And speaking of sex treks, there’s a new 13-episode series debuting
this week exploring the necessity of intergalactic nether-grinding, and
it’s called Defying Gravity (ABC, Sun Aug 2, 9 pm). Ron
Livingston (Office Space) stars as a hunky astronaut who, along
with seven other sexually active hotties, is blasted into space on a
six-year very mysterious mission. Complicating matters is the
fact that everything they do on board the spaceship is monitored and
they are required to wear (get this) “a libido-suppressing device.”

WHOOPTY-WHOOP PLAYA… WHAA-AAA??? Now, I can go along with the idea
of being sent into space for six years with absolutely no clue of why
I’m there—but to be placed in close quarters with seven
equally throbbing roomies and be forced to wear a futuristic
chastity belt? OH, HELL NO! HUMPY DON’T PLAY THAT!

In fact, the near-constant space sex is the ONLY reason I’d agree to
go on a trip like this! The way I see it, my odds for getting laid are
multiplied by seven under such a scenario. Sure, at first they may be
able to resist my considerable charms (aka “penis”)—but
eventually? I’ll be visiting Uranus in no time. (Wait… what?? Stop
thinking filthy thoughts! I was talking about the planet Uranus,
you dirty bird. According to Kirk, they’ve got the sweetest alien
va-jay-jay.)

THURSDAY, JULY 30

9:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE

Two of the final six dancers are eliminated; panic ensues at the
judges’ table when they lose their supply of Thorazine.

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael’s brilliant “paper and pancake” luncheon fails
miserably—because these plans always do, right?

FRIDAY, JULY 31

9:00 FOX MENTAL

An injured construction worker can only recall a different
accident—one that happened 100 years ago! Bum-bum-BUUUUUMMM!

9:00 SYFY EUREKA

Longtime rivals from Area 51 challenge the citizens of Eureka to an
alien-versus-human bowling tournament. Bring… it… on, freaks!!!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1

9:00 NBC FACE THE ACE

Debut! Poker amateurs take on the masters for a chance to win one
million smackers.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 2

9:00 ABC DEFYING GRAVITY

Debut! The eight astronauts gear up for their long space flight by
smuggling in boxes of condoms (and space lube!).

9:00 VH1 MEGAN WANTS A MILLIONAIRE

Debut! A reality-TV skank gets to pick from a pack of clearly insane
and inexplicably desperate millionaires.

MONDAY, AUGUST 3

2:30 am COM KENNY VS. SPENNY

Tonight’s challenge: “Who can piss off more people?” Any way I can
jump in on this action?

8:00 TLC JON & KATE PLUS 8

“Kids, we’re camping in the backyard tonight! Yay! Because daddy is
bringing home one of his whores.”

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4

8:00 FOX HELL’S KITCHEN

Tom Green and other F-list celebs are served cold, oily
sausages—which, believe me, is all they deserve.

10:00 FX RESCUE ME

A filthy, potty-mouthed gal shows up at the firehouse looking for a
date, which for these guys is actually a step up.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5

8:00 ABC WIPEOUT

It’s “fan favorite” night, where viewers get to relive their fave
contestants resplintering their spines.

10:00 TVLAND HOW’D YOU GET SO RICH?

Debut! Joan Rivers meets kajillionaires who went from poor-paying
jobs to stepping on people with poor-paying jobs.

Rockets at full thrust.