I Love Television

You, sir or madam, are a lazy sack of crap. OH! Did I hurt your
feelings? Did I make you angry? Well, I’m not worried about
retribution, because you’re too much of a lazy sack of crap to do
anything about it. You’re too lazy to stand up, you’re too lazy to
punch me in the piehole, and I’d wager you’re too lazy to stop reading
this column. GO AHEAD! SHUT YOUR EYES! Ha! I knew it! Even your eyelids
are fat and lazy. Truth be told, I’m surprised your lungs work,
considering how they are (a) fat, (b) lazy, and (c) sacks of crap…
YOU FAT, LAZY SACK OF CRAP!!

Okay, now that I’ve successfully erased every ounce of your
self-esteem, let’s get to my actual purpose, which is to “scare you
straight” (a technique learned during my brief stint in federal
prison). But instead of scaring you straight out of the burly
arms of an amorous cellmate, I will be scaring you straight into the arms of… $UCCE$$!

See, the reason you’re a revolting disappointment is because you
lack one thing: GUMPTION! Your gumption level is embarrassingly low
and can only be remedied by a syringe full of “inspiration.” And lucky
for your lazy crap sack, I’ve found this inspiration… on
television.

The inspirational TV show is called Canal
Livre—and okay, fine, I’ve never actually seen it,
because it’s from Brazil and I don’t “sprechen ze Brazilian.” However!
I did read an AP report on the program and its host, and both sound
AMAZING.

So Canal Livre is a wildly popular true-crime show, hosted by
state legislator and former police officer Wallace Souza, who is famous
for televising the bloody murder scenes of dead drug lords—and
arriving there long before the cops. How is he able to consistently
scoop the police and all the other media outlets? GUMPTION, MY FRIEND.
Well… that, and he allegedly hired hit men to kill the people who wound up on his show. BUT THAT’S GUMPTION, TOO, RIGHT?

According to state investigators, Souza also moonlights as a drug
lord when he’s not being a legislator or television host (GUMPTION!),
and according to police intelligence officer Thomaz Vasconcelos, at
least five of the murders Souza has spotlighted on his program “appear
to have been committed to get rid of his [drug dealing] rivals and increase the audience of the TV show.”

ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!? This guy has got gumption
squirting out his bottom hole! (At this point it should be noted
that Souza denies all charges and is innocent until proven guilty blah
blah blah blah blah, yeah, whatever.) But can you imagine how
successful America’s Most Wanted would be if host John Walsh had
the gumption to HIRE ACTUAL HIT MEN? Not only would our country’s crime
rate plummet, but AMW‘s ratings would skyrocket, AND John Walsh
could sell me pot for cheap!

So are you listening, John Walsh and YOU? I’m not saying you have to
kill people—however, is it going to kill you to hire someone to kill people? YOU LAZY SACK OF CRAP? (P.S. Don’t kill me.)