SPOILER ALERT!!! As you may have noticed, today’s column is entitled
“Five Things I’ve Learned from Mad Men,” which obviously means
I’ll be discussing pertinent plot points related to this and past
seasons of this wonderful show.
“But, Wm.™ Steven Hump-Me!” I hear you cry. “I’m only three
episodes in to the second-season DVD of Mad Men—so could
you please postpone this particular column until… say… July 27,
2010?”
NO, I’M NOT “POSTPONING” THIS COLUMN!! And BTW, I’m FED UP with you
“no spoilers” people who make the rest of us (who watch Mad Men in a timely manner) remain silent while YOU lollygag around eating pigs
in a blanket, masturbating, and watching Mad Men whenever you’re
good and ready! Mad Men requires intelligent and, more
importantly, timely conversations regarding its
content—and YOU are sticking your penis in the mashed
potatoes!!
SO HERE’S THE NEW RULE: There will be one show (chosen by me)
every season that will be designated a “spoilers allowed” show. And
with this show, you will either get on OUR schedule or stick your
fingers in your ears and sing “la-la-la-la-laaaaaa” while we discuss
it!
And while we’re on the topic… TAKE YOUR PENIS OUT OF OUR MASHED
POTATOES!!
So anyway… SPOILER ALERT, as I run down the top five things I’ve
learned from this and past seasons of Mad Men.
(Are those people gone? Good. God, they’re so annoying!)
LEARNED THING #1! “The early ’60s were extremely effed-up,
and in some ways, awesome.” Smoking in elevators. Check. Driving
without seat belts, with a highball sitting on the car seat next to
you. Check. Drugging expectant mothers so they won’t remember the pain
of childbirth. Check. Disappearing from work for days at a time,
without ever getting reprimanded. Check. Copious bottles of liquor in
the office. Check. A notable lack of sexual-harassment lawsuits. Check.
Either coming straight home after work or spending the night at one of
your many mistresses’ apartments. Check. And finally, assuming a dead
man’s identity and building an entire career and marriage on a
despicable lie. Check.
LEARNED THING #2! “Even ugly people look super hot in
tailored clothing.” Look at the men and women depicted in Mad
Men. Now take a look in the mirror. Tsk… tsk… tsk.
LEARNED THING #3! “Sally Draper should be the poster girl for
contraception.” The daughter of Don and Betty, Sally Draper has been
perhaps unfairly referred to as “the Jar Jar Binks of Mad Men.”
However! She does have a lisp, and her near-constant hysterics take up
valuable airtime from Joan Holloway’s hourglass figure or British
people getting their feet amputated by riding lawn mowers.
LEARNED THING #4! “Bringing a riding lawn mower into the work
environment is not always a bad thing.” Especially if a bunch of limeys
have bought and restructured your company, and the hotshot limey trying
to steal Don’s job gets his foot amputated by the previously mentioned
riding lawn mower.
LEARNED THING #5! “People who don’t watch the season finale
of Mad Men this Sunday night (AMC, 10 pm) along with the rest of
us should be forced to eat penis-befouled mashed potatoes.”
Enough said. 
Mad Men seems like it’s clipping through time a bit too quickly. Does anyone really want to see Don in a Nehru jacket? Peggy tripping out of her gourd at Woodstock? One part of the sixties ended with the death of JFK, so I’m wondering if the series should die as well. Maybe they could rewind and give us just one more good season with the reunited team at the original Cooper Sterling?
Steven Humphrey is a retarded turd
i finally got on the Mad Men bandwagon this season. here’s what i’ve learned;
there is NOT ONE single likeable character on the show.
the show loves to be clever; being clever in a tv show is way overrated.
the show is based in the 60’s, I GET IT! it doesn’t need to be beat into the ground the way it does, they need to FOCUS on better stories.
finally, this is basically an afternoon soap getting a prime time spot.
oh and SPOILER ALERT, Don Draper is a lesbian.
The above posters are leotarded, and don’t know a good thing when they see it. Mad Men is obviously TV gold and if you can’t recognize that you clearly don’t know what good TV is.
“Learned Thing #3” made me pee a little in my pants. I never even realized how much I hated Sally Draper.
I absolutely ADORE “Mad Men” for the plot and costumes/sets but I agree with #3. The people are nightmares. I wouldn’t want a single one of them in my house or at my dinner table.
Don Draper is proof that anyone can get away with being abusive, egocentric and unethical as long as you remove your hat in the elevator. He sickens me.
I used to listen to the Beatles and wish I were born in 1946 so I could live through the ’60s heyday. This show makes me thankful I wasn’t.
Great plot though. The 3rd season finale was gripping.